#healing work

— Phoenix Moon

Here I sit at the bottom where I live,

A cellar of shadows where the light cannot give.

Wondering how I’ve gotten this low,

Tracing the jagged dark path that I know.

I think back and what I see is violence,

A life built on screams and a terrifying silence.

Heartbreak and cruelty in a relentless flood,

Every man who’s ever touched me, has taken from me my blood.

Now I sit with nothing but memories left,

Of a spirit discarded and a childhood bereft.

Of being a toddler beaten black and blue for singing and smiling,

Punished for joy by a hand so defiling.

The young girl crouching in a corner of the room,

Watching her mom’s face getting pummeled, broken in gloom.

Watching her sister be choked laying unconscious on the floor,

While the devil stood guard at the front of the door.

The child running into a store and hiding in a closet in fear,

To escape a violent drunk man who’s after her, coming near.

The teenager who starts allowing men to do what they want to her,

Trading her body just to feel safe and loved, a desperate blur.

The young woman who has a gun held to her head in the night,

By another man who claims to love her but only leaves her in fright.

A man who loves his addiction more than her life,

Leaving her hollowed by terror and strife.

Then the young mom left alone with two babies, by a man who gets locked away for acts on a young girl.

A mom who tries to keep it together for the children, she tries to not crack and unfurl

You’d think the older more seasoned me would see the lesson and finally learn,

But the lessons are fire and I am destined to burn.

For next she’s violated in the worst of ways, raped.... stripped of all her dignity in a terrifying haze.

A theft of the soul, a profound and dark malignity,

By yet another man who says he loves her destroying her tranquility.,

While dragging her deeper into his own personal hell.

She shrinks internally into a dark eternal shell.

Then I see the older woman who scooped herself up and finally took a chance,

Searching for peace in a forest of men taking a stance.

The woman who once more found herself repeatedly being hit and abused,

Fully used up and taken for a fool yet again being refused.....

That’s the woman here at the bottom. The one with nothing left.

A hollowed-out vessel, of every mercy bereft.

She’s the one here looking up. Trying to believe she’s worth something true,

Through the haze of the black and the ache of the blue.

I get it finally. The bitter truth begins to halt.

I realize it was all truly my fault.

I allowed myself to believe in the wrong people,

I gave them the key.

I allowed myself to be treated this way you see.

I never believed I was worth more than the grime on their shines

I allowed myself to become just anothers perfect sin.

#stonewalls

The times are thickening shadows to surface and face the fire of truth and divine envision. Where you learn about the shadow that is not a recent wound but the one that is sealed into a scar now, a dead grave where memories and bad situations like spirits hurt like it was all about yesterday. Through this reading find out what's stuck within you?

Grief & Guilt are the prominent things that have been touched by light for ages. It's like home to you now that minor mistakes lead to say thousands of sorry and assurance of fixing which creek grief through the guilt of always tipping toeing with your life. There is something that keeps happening and it's a misunderstanding. People never understand what state of say you have when you are speaking, doing and being somewhat. All they have is to judge even the closest ones seek deep analysed explanations that it torns you to shut and zip to head back into the home of darkness because your light is questionable, evidentless, as if you may die out of extinction. What hurts you most is to know how warm your light and love is that only grief becomes the gateway to reach. It's like clouding darkness so when it rains it doesn't hurt rather homes the tears gulped, shrunken heart and lost mind into the gloom.

Lesson : Not everyone is right, good, or the other way around what they chose to be to you is what they are to you! Accept this, Lock it in! And you'll feel that light exists regardless of the gloom. The sky never changes the color no matter what happens within it. Become that sky Untouchable, become a mirror, reflect, and release all the guilt and grief you carry.

Guidance : Write & Burn what binds and blinds you into this loop of shame.

In between always feels risky then standing clear stances, those born with duality and contrasts often come across confused with their own life but can see everything and everyone with a seer like clarity and you are that one. What shadow shows up is endless doubts and heavy on mental illness or unstable mood swings or energy movements through the body. Problematic menstruation and sudden breaks that jerks the depth of your lost being. Sometimes you know what you know and then a reel says something and your mind why aren't you this? And then your family member validates 'Maybe you are not trying enough we know you' Friends saying 'You are all good stop being so negative' Your heart says But I have done all, I have tried all, nothing works out for me, I fit into nothing. No one's perception, aesthetic and type. An outcast who isn't even confined in religion or traditions. Even my answers birth millions of questions.

Lesson : You lack grounds to your truth, self and identity. This could be saturn, pluto, mars influence in 1st house or 12th yet you seem to ignore yourself alot. Like if you like something you think it doesn't matters so what matters let's do that but that's how you allow everyone to betray you, keep you under shade, and back stab you horribly. Because you aren't standing grounds to your own voice, needs, thoughts and emotions. Constantly relying on others for validation and approval or permission.

Guidance : Drink water, sit alone immensely alone not even phones, task yourself to find where your voice is? Is it stuck in your throat? Womb? In someone's hand, or is it just there only for you to listen and reciprocate the responsibility to shape it and stand by it no matter what it is.

Gideon bearing the weight of all those other souls, even though that was never her burden to carry, just because she survived?

Harrow externalizing her guilt by tormenting the one person she is most attached to?

Gideon sacrificing herself because all she ever wanted was to be useful?

Harrow literally suppressing her own memories so she wouldn’t have to bear the loss that would destroy her if she ever fully confronted it?