#hdigh?

Jeez, what a ride that tour opening was. I'm still gobsmacked and struggling to find words for what was running through my mind. I honestly was totally thrown off by the setlist. Not so much by the choice of songs, but more by the order, because in my humble opinion they sonically didn't exactly fit or sit right after each other, and felt a bit like too much "emotional stacking." So much so, that at one point I literally wrote a message in my gc saying, "What in the bipolar set list is this? Does he need a hug? I feel like I need a hug. Christ, this feels depressing." But then as the set moved on, I clicked and it started to become clearer and clearer in my head what was going on. Or at least, what I think was going on and what was/is the reason behind the order. That said, I have been in his rollercoaster for a loooooong time. Basically as long as he has, so it is, quite frankly, absolutely impossible for me to not see his lyrics through the lense of a young boy who fell crazily in love with another young boy, and grew up in an industry that didn't see their queer love as marketable enough, especially not to young female fans. Fast forward a decade and a half and we look back at a 16-years long journey of closeting, hiding, masking, battered self-confidence, and a single long-term, deeply meaningful relationship that happened (or had to happen) under massive external constraints, leading to cycles of tension, separation and reconnection, internal conflict and identity strain, and ultimately to the acceptance of the relationship as the one and only real shit, even if it primarily exists (or has to exist) behind closed doors. And exactly this is the storyline, that I get from the song choice and order of this setlist. The narration of his journey through lyrics, symbolism and a resilience that I can only bow to in awe. All these songs have their meaning on their own. They were all written at different points in time, with a different purpose, but looking at the lyrics, and the song order, they paint a flabberghasting coherent storyline. I won't even try to write a whole essay, but I hope that my jumbled thoughts will make sense with bullet points too.

Lemonade -> Industry, "she" as the external controlling force We have the topics addiction, dependency, blurred reality and emotional manipulation. "Bitter" and "sweet" at the same time, a sense of loss of control and slipping into escapism/delusion. It's a whole dynamic where the narrator is complicit but deeply uneasy. This is our starting point. The "here" in How did I get here? The entrapment that led to revisiting and working through the different stages of his journey.

On Fire -> the sudden, life-altering connection. The introducing of the relationship. This is the spark that set everything in motion. "I was complacent / comfortably jaded", "You came and erased it", "Got everything I wanted but today I feel worse"

WAOYF -> domesticity enters the chat, but also the conflicts that come with a relationship, especially a relationship in the closet; arguments, frustrations, tension, friction, suppressed communication. These conflicts are not a one off, they're a recurrent issue: "So, I've come ready for a war." But still, even if it's a rollercoaster, "When it's good, it's really something," and it's totally worth fighting for. This is were the strain begins.

OOMS So far we had the external conflicts, now we're stepping into the internalisation of that conflict. Almost a self-destructive drive, expelling "the demons" by repressing them-> "putting them where I won't see them" ; we also see a bit of identity conflict/hiding parts of yourself -> "I am only half of what I think I can be”, but all led by a certain recklessness to "feel alive" even if that recklessness might lead to disaster.

BTM -> move from self-rejection to self-recognition. We see personal change and growth, moving from fear to acceptance even if the external pressure and scrutiny is still there "You're so quick to judge" "I used to hide behind a smile” -> years of masking for the sake of the public vs. private identity, but "I've woken up from my sleep" -> clarity that it's not a "me" or "us" problem but a systemic one.

Saturdays Now we have the direct connection to BTM: "Nobody stays the same / some things change" enter identity shift and evolution. Now we're dealing with the consequences of that change and looking at the aftermath. "you walked out the door" "you’re not here anymore" "I’ve been wonderin’ about what you’re up to" "things we used to do" "my heart might be broken" Now we're talking peak separation. Physical absence but physical emotional presence. Basically it's trying to cope without the other person in a state where the longing remains, the connection remains, and only the presence is gone

Angels Fly Oh my beloved. So, we had conflict, a lot of it, but what we have even more is unfinished love, and this unfinished love deserves and needs reconnection. Not to fight, not to repeat the same cycles they've been through before, just to be there. Because:

Shit, maybe I miss you

Broken Bones -> Introspection and personal growth enter the chat. "I broke my bones... I'll do it all again" "Nobody said it's easy" "Danger's got a sweetness" "I've always loved the fight" "I'll do it all again... with you" This is not moving on. This is choosing the same person again. Willingly and with full knowledge what it entails. An absolute conscious choice. So... how are we holding up? Already in trenches? No? Well then let's open the door for

Defenceless Because admitting that I miss you and I'd go through everything again just to be with you isn't enough: -> "This is me, handing myself over on the golden plate, perfectly knowing the stakes and the consequences."

Just hold on The circumstances are still shit, but it's only a chapter that ended not the whole book. This is about perseverance and not giving up when things fall apart But also the subtle plea to please be on the same page when it comes to the question "do we continue or let go?"

Lazy After all that emotional drainage we're now entering a new state of mind. I call it the disassociative episode. We established the circumstances are shit, we established there's nothing I can do, nothing I can say to make me not want you, so let's just ignore everything, sing lalalala and not deal with any of this right now. Because either way...

Sunflowers ..."Something's always getting in the way." So we might as well just escape together, avoid stuff together, because it was never us the problem, it was always the circumstances.

Lucid -> the situation isn't resolved, it's still overwhelming. But with enough detachment it'll be alright. We'll be allriiiiiiiiiight - sorry. Wrong husband.

Jump the gun And we continue with the sleeping / dream references. "No time for sleeping when your dreams are wide awake" -> but here we're coming back from the dissociation and back to their original issue: existing just in certain moments/under certain conditions, not risking to move too fast. It's the tension between desire to act vs. the need to hold back.

Imposter that tension comes with doubts. "Is it really happening?" - are we really pushing through? Now, seriously? After all this time? And do I even deserve it? -> this is the picture perfect internalised effect of the whole shebang: imposter syndrome tied to identity and intimacy

Sanity "Now I got myself out the way, Healing what is left of my brain" Enter self-preservation. This is choosing stability over intensity, as in "I’m choosing myself, even if you're mad at me, because if I don't I wont survive this crap and then everything was in vain."

Kill my mind -> but, hey babe, even if I chose myself, there's just no way to let you go, because you're a fucking menace but bloody addictive. I, I can ease the pain, Just a little taste. You know I love you, babe - whoops, again wrong husband. Basically: to hell with logic, this emotional/physical intensity overrides everything either way.

Face The Music -> now that we settled that I can't get rid of the feelings for you if my life depended on it, I'm choosing the relationship while actively avoiding consequences. This is the conscious acceptance of the cycle, as in “We know what this is. We know the cost. We’re choosing it anyway.”

Silver Tongues -> bit of a justification for choosing it anyway. This is real, this is ours, nothing else compares because "when I'm with you I'm so much happier."

The Observer -> coming back to just how much scrutiny they're under and how the system enforced the secrecy.

The Answer -> This is moving from external constraint to internal acceptance. even if all circumstances were different, the outcome would be the same, I just know it. No longer "can we do this? should we do this?" but "It is what it is, regardless of everything else."