[ 🪞 ]ㅤ.ㅤwhen have they looked at their reflection and hated what they saw ?
[ 📿 ]ㅤ.ㅤwhat superstition or ritual do they cling to ?
[ 💭 ]ㅤ.ㅤdo they believe they’re worthy of being loved ?
@hawklines sent this meme.
ㅤwhen have they looked at their reflection and hated what they saw ?
not after fights. not after failures. not even after the worst days hawkins ever handed her. the moments deena hates her reflection most are the moments she catches someone else in it.
the tilt of her jaw when she's angry. the sharpness of her voice when she's hurt. the stubborn refusal to let things go. grief is a funny thing. people always warn you about forgetting. nobody warns you about remembering too much. sometimes she looks in the mirror & sees the man who taught her survival before teaching her fear. those are the days she struggles to hold her own gaze.
because she loved him. because he hurt her. because both things can be true. because sometimes the hardest inheritance isn't money or property. it's resemblance.
what superstition or ritual do they cling to ?
deena knocks on wood. every time. it doesn't matter if she's joking. it doesn't matter if she doesn't believe in it. she does it anyway. because she grew up in a town where missing children returned different. where monsters existed. where the impossible kept showing up on her doorstep demanding to be believed. eventually superstition stops feeling silly. it starts feeling respectful. but the ritual she clings to most happens when she's alone.
there is a cassette tape. old. repaired. precious. her mother's voice lives inside it. on difficult nights, deena listens to it before she sleeps. she tells herself it's nostalgia. comfort. habit. the truth is far uglier. some part of her still believes that as long as she can hear her mother's voice, she hasn't completely lost her.
do they believe they're worthy of being loved ?
ask deena on a good day & she'll tell you yes. ask her on a bad one & she'll laugh.
there are entire graveyards tucked beneath her skin. barb holland. the mother who left. the father she couldn't decide whether to mourn or resent. every person she failed. every person she couldn't save. love requires vulnerability. vulnerability requires trust. & trust has always been a language deena speaks with an accent.
the cruel part is that she finds it very easy to love other people. she can list a hundred reasons why they deserve patience, forgiveness, understanding. when it comes to herself, the list gets much shorter. so the answer is complicated. deena believes she is capable of being loved.
she just isn't always convinced she'd survive being abandoned again once she is.