#hauntedasswig

It's been a beat since I've blogged but I've obviously just been HOLDING SPACE FOR "FINDING GRAVITY" and now the world is *FINALLY* on my level. The world is also sort of a post apocalyptic shambles but THERE'S ALSO A PAUL TAZEWELL COLLECTION AT TARGET because the only economy is the Wicked economy so why not go down this three hour yellow brick road of nonsense together (before we have to wait a whole other lifetime for the goddamned second act, y'all). There are just so many wigs to discuss in this one. Note: spoilers if you somehow have avoided this 20 year old musical but also care enough to read a wig review of the first act cinema adaptation? I'm not here to judge your life choices; just wigs.

We begin in the vast technicolor poppy fields of Muchkinland where the diminutive inhabitants live in a small circle of huts, presumably in constant opium-hazed slumbers so that they might forget that 90% of them are wearing the same crinkled off-brand Annie Warbucks wig. Actual question: did someone decide for budgetary purposes to save money on this multi-million dollar film ONLY by purchasing every community theater production of Annie's wigs for the munchkins?!?! THIS IS THE ONLY VIABLE EXPLANATION.

Anyway, the munchkins are all celebrating - not because they have been released from the shackles of their sad, ginger-headed, drug-fueled lives - but because the THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD!! CUE THE WICKED WITCH WICKER MAN BURNING PARTY!!! You might be feeling like Mariah Carey about the Wicked Witch right now because "I don't know her!" and all we've seen so far in this movie are 10000000 orphan Annie wigs but don't worry: you have at least 8 more hours of this movie to get so closely ensconced in wicked witchery that you might have your own Target line by the end of it.

But no time for questions now: ONLY BUBBLES! Hey, this one has Ariana Grande in it! Dressed in what can only be described as the Coming to America wedding dress if it were on a very white Barbie, Ariana's Glinda greets the munchkins, who react as if they have been, well, on a ton of opium. Her wig is another matter entirely: a dusty affair thankfully rolled up under a Ms. Universe crown. In comparison to the munchkins' sad wigs, it is adequately "fine" but there's so much more time to explore Glinda's wig horrors. One bold munchkin asks Glinda if she was friends with the evil, dead, witch and the rest his history (and also the other 9 hours of this movie).

We flashback to Shiz University, a place that exists not in time, space, reality, but rather....on the Greek-adjacent leftover sets of Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again? The rules of Shiz are as non-existent as Mamma Mia math: students of LITERALLY ANY AGE can attend, everyone has to wear blue and grey (EXCEPT THOSE WITH SINGING ROLES), and (most of?) the munchkins have to wear orange-swirly sweater vests (to match their orange wigs?!?!) oh, and also NO GREEN PEOPLE ALLOWED, EVER.

Glinda glides in on a gondola of pink luggage, wearing her own pink Shiz uniform (ONLY GLINDAS OR GUUUULINDAS ALLOWED), and a wig that was clearly hexed by the same wigmaster that has been cursing Nicole Kidman for centuries. As with AMC's favorite specter, this wig is a color that does not exist in the living world. It is the ghost of platinum, coated in dust. The texture is brittle and dry, the part at the scalp looks like a magazine flipped open to an ad for Chico's (every day at Shiz IS A CHICO'S KIND OF DAY). The Ms. Haversham of wigs, this is what Halloween cobweb decorations would look like as a wig. THIS WIG IS VERY VERY BAD. Which is a shame because Ariana, like Glinda herself, is very very good.

And then there's Elphaba. This movie gives Cynthia Erivo the reveal she deserves - you may not have known her before but now you and you and you - you're gonna love her. Her wig does not reach the level of divadom that its star requires, but in comparison with Ariana's haunted leftover Rachel McAdams as Regina George wig, it is almost a thing of beauty. The mini braids serve the character well, as does the larger braid; this is definitely the best Elphaba's look gets despite Guuuulinda's later attempts at a makeover.

In this version of Wicked, Elphaba is only at Shiz to assist her younger sister, NessaRose, whose name is the most insufferable part of her character. This wig, like the character is squeaky clean and without fault. This is honestly the most realistic looking wig in the film. Meanwhile: who is this dude playing their dad and why is he (rudely!) not played by Norbert Leo Butz?!?! Anyway, Elphaba uses her ragemagic to combat Shiz's abelism which somehow gets her registered as a student herself?? Y'all the rules of Shiz are as confounding as a Pinot Grigio soaked caftan in Mamma Mia.

Anyway, Elphaba ends up having to share a room with Guuuuulinda and there are many (many!) scenes about them hating each other, only leading to me hating Guuuuuulinda's wig more. Even an ensemble of not so great wigs couldn't breathe life into it. This wig is truly night of the living dead. Side note: I don't know when we're getting another season of Wednesday but this whole section of the movie is another season of Wednesday.

ANYWAY! Jonathan Bailey! GIRL. No longer held back by the constrains of heteronormative Bridgerton storylines, girlfriend is just living her best life and dancing DICK FIRST through this movie. Also: basically all choreography in this movie is dick first?!?! The whole of Oz leads with their pelvis. I'M NOT MAD ABOUT IT. I'm also just not mad about Olivier Award Winning Jonathan Bailey and how much damn fun he is having in this movie. HIS WIG IS EVEN FUN!! He clearly made a deal with the wigmaster to dusty up Ariana's cobwig and give all the extra volumnizer and bounce to his own. GET IT GURL. Male wigs, as we know, suffer from rear taper but there is none of that here because, as I said, Jonathan is not concerned with the rear but DICKFIRSTDICKFIRSTDICKFIRST.

Bowen Yang's face says it all: ARIANA'S THIRSTY WIG IS ONLY BRINGING JOHNNY DOWN! THANKUNEXT. (Also Bowen's wig is fine, who cares, his glasses do all the talking). Also I assume that both Bowen and Cynthia's glasses will be arriving at a Moscot near you imminently.

NessaRose's wig somehow gets curlier (whenever a character's hair gets curlier and/or blonder we know she is about to crack but we'll have to wait for the second movie for that). Also: SPONGEBOB'S wig is ok!!!

AND THEN! Ariana's haunted wig attempts to makeover Cynthia's and the results are as horrifying as you would assume. THIS WIG WAS NOT MEANT TO BE UNBRAIDED. Also: Ariana's constant hair flips only showcase how awful her wig is. NO!

Anyway, Ariana eats allll the scenery in Popular (girl understood the assignment, she is good!) and then gives Cynthia one fossilized flower - makeover complete! HUH. Please get Cynthia to the Wonder Woman island of fishtail braidology stat - this wig was not meant to be unbraided!

I just realized that I neglected to discuss Michelle Yeoh's wig. I may be in the minority here but I kind of think she is miscast - she can't sing!!! AND I LOVE MICHELLE YEOH!! They didn't even give her any cool fight choreography to balance out her lack of musical ability - missed (Shizzed?) opportunity!! Anyway, her wig is probably the most whimsical of anyone's in the film and I LIKE THAT!! Also Jeff Goldblum's is essentially the same wig, but tapered not stirred. I'm also not sure Jeff Goldblum was made aware that he was even filming a movie. I assume this is how he just leads his life?

In the end (of part 1), I definitely cried at the 4 hour rendition of DEFYING GRAVITY but I also weeped endlessly over this haunted ass wig!!! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT ARIANA DID TO A WIGMASTER TO BE GIVEN THIS!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!