#harashima

Ko-D Tag Team Championship – Chris Brookes & HARASHIMA [c] (Fantômes Dramatic) vs Shinya Aoki & Junta Miyawaki

If you're on wrestling Tumblr you've probably already seen gifs of Chris Brookes. He's the tall British guy who wrestles like a horny stick insect. But despite being built like a sentient coat stand, he also hits like a truck, due to the combination of his freakishly long limbs and the physics of levers.

Harashima on the other hand, you may not have heard of, which is a damn shame because he's secretly been one of the best wrestlers in the world for about the last 20 years. If Ueno is the modern ace, Harashima is the veteran ace of yesteryear. Think of him as the Tanahashi of DDT, but with better knees and slightly smaller tits. He's in his 50s now, but he must have a withered portrait in his attic somewhere because the man does not age. He's still throwing out poison ranas like it's nothing. The only indication he's on the older side are his pleather trousers, which are straight out of a mid 00s indie show.

Their challengers are one of my favourite odd couple tag teams in wrestling currently. On paper, the combination of a colourful, happy-go-lucky superhero and a gravelly former MMA fighter should absolutely not work. But they both have hidden depths. Underneath the neon orange cape, Junta Miyawaki secretly knows his judo well, and despite being a serious technician, Aoki secretly loves to piss about a bit. Otherwise why would he have joined DDT, the Pissing About promotion? (‘Fork complains about being found in kitchen’ etc etc.)

I'm expecting this one to be 100% My Jam though: by which I mean super technical (Aoki is such a purist in the ring that he rarely wins by submission because he finds it too easy and therefore boring). All four guys are very comfortable on the mat, so expect the gay sex to get very complicated.

Prediction: Chris and Harashima retain

Result I'd like: honestly I'd be very happy with either team winning. I'm just here for the pretzeling! 🥨

Special Singles Match – Danshoku Dieno vs YAMATO (Dragongate)

If I had a nickel for every time the middle aged ace of another promotion had come to DDT to get their face shoved in Dieno’s arse, I’d have two nickels, which isn’t much, but it’s weird that it’s happened twice. 

Having watched Tanahashi Enter the Dieno Hole, Dragongate’s Yamato apparently decided he wanted some of that action for himself. I’ll admit that I’m not a Dragongate watcher, so I don’t know anything about Yamato beyond that he’s well regarded and for a long time was considered the ace of the promotion. Fortunately, @scarskelly has written an introduction to the guy! So go read that!

Danshoku Dieno is also hard for me to introduce, but for different reasons. I am very familiar with him (intimately familiar with some parts of him), but on paper, his character sounds pretty offensive. I think at some point in the past it probably was: afaik the whole joke was originally “lol he’s gay and he likes to kiss men, yuck”. But at some point in the intervening years, he’s morphed into an absolutely beloved icon of DDT: a sort of gay high priest who bestows his blessing on men in the crowd by kissing volunteers before every match. It’s genuinely lovely to watch! He's the heart and soul of the promotion.

Dieno might not be for you and that's okay. To be honest, he’s not always for me, depending on the particular match. But it would take a whole essay by someone other than me to properly dissect the cultural background and ethical implications of his character, so I’ll keep to explaining his kayfabe lore, which is surprisingly intricate:

At some point he will try to sit on your face. This is called Nightmare and is to be avoided at all costs

His kiss/liplock is a debilitating submission hold - opponents sometimes pass out due to its sheer power!

However! One of his weaknesses is if you kiss him first! But watch out! You must be true of heart and sure that your kiss is sufficiently powerful. 

At some point he will sit on the turnbuckle, arse towards the ring, and show hole. Anyone whose face is shoved betwixt his cheeks is briefly rendered unconscious

He isn’t able to move at this point, so he becomes a sort of environmental hazard, like a windmill in a particularly lewd game of mini golf

He employs the advanced wrestling technique of Anal Penetration, which is especially impressive considering his opponent's posterior is usually fully covered

One of his main ways of escaping pins is to grab your dick

His finisher is waiting until your head falls into his trunks (I think his penis may have some kind of magnetic powers?) and then hitting a piledriver

So yeah. Even if Yamato manages to overcome all that, it's unlikely he'll ever be the same again. Also we'll probably see his entire arse 🙏

Prediction: Yamato wins (but at what cost)

Result I‘m hoping for: Dieno wins (as the beating heart of DDT)

Bring Your Son to Work Day Special Tag Team Match - Jun Kasai & Hinata Kasai vs Jun Akiyama & Rukiya 

What’s better than teaming up with your actual real life dad? Why, teaming with your dad on the 1st anniversary of your debut, of course! Not that you’d really know Jun was Hinata’s dad just by looking at them. If you’re not familiar with Jun Kasai, imagine the scariest looking man you’ve ever seen wearing flannel (if you live in Seattle I understand there's some competition). His body is 90% scar tissue and his favourite pastime is sticking skewers in his own scalp. By all accounts, he’s an absolute sweetie irl though, which I guess is something he has in common with his son!

Hinata, you see, is a fresh faced youth who looks about 16 despite being 22. He's a literal babyface. I think it’s fair to say he’s had a bit of a rough start as a wrestler, given he’s yet to win a match (he’s been on a winning team a few times, but he’s never got the pin himself). As a performer, he’s still got a way to go too, but it’s been fun watching him develop! It's early days, but he seems to have an aptitude for bati-bati and shoot style, which is somewhat unexpected! Maybe his mum's an MMA fighter or something.

I’m intrigued as to how this one will go: I don’t think Jun has ever had a match that didn’t involve weapons, and I’m not sure Hinata has ever so much as looked at a light tube, let alone swung one in anger. So however this shakes out it's going to be a new experience for one of them.

Their opponents almost don’t matter – this is the Kasai Family Show – but there’s a nice parallel with Akiyama being a legendary veteran at the end of his career and Rukiya being a young whippersnapper under his tutelage. Rukiya's main notable traits are: a) being angry and b) sometimes wrestling in what look like Spider-Man undies.

Prediction: the Kasais have it

Result I’m hoping for: Hinata gets his first pinfall/submission victory! 

Special Tag Match – Minoru Suzuki & Sanshiro Takagi vs Kazuki Hirata & To-y

This match can be summed up as two grumpy middle aged drinking buddies vs two of the most fucked-up fuckers in the company. And when that company is DDT, that's really saying something.

How does one even begin to describe Kazuki Hirata? Like many of the best things in life, he really must be experienced to be understood. He's so many things: a great dancer, a flamboyant showman, an abject coward, a more cunning strategist than many of his opponents expect, a slightly less cunning strategist than he believes himself to be, a massive JoJo fan… and above all, a deceptively excellent wrestler. If you waft a feather in his general direction he'll probably eat shit and get pinned. If you so much as look at him slightly funny he'll tap out. And yet. He often somehow manages to end up sneaking away with a title. He even won the main K-oD title recently, in one of my favourite storylines of last year.

He's also the owner of endless pairs of sentient glasses which confer a 20% stat buff on the wearer (this is specified in the canon) but also cause the irresistible urge to dance. A classic cursed magic item.

To-y is equally weird but in a different direction. In many ways he's quite a classic puro wrestler, with fierce chops and a cool moveset. However he also happens to be an insane baby. That's not just a metaphor: he literally learned his special technique by watching YouTube videos of a baby being weird. The technique in question is where you hit him and then he makes a weird noise, shakes his head, and becomes invincible. It’s so simple and effective that I think more wrestlers should consider watching strange toddler videos on YouTube tbh. His other special technique is his diving crossbody, but that one isn't quite as effective due to the fact that he chooses to go for it at seemingly random times, unrelated to the current location of the other wrestlers. 

Normally I would feel sorry for their opponents, but one of them is Minori Suzuki. You probably already know who Suzuki is, but in case you don't: he's possibly the scariest middle aged man on the planet. He’s literally one of the pioneers of modern MMA and despite being 58 he could probably still break every bone in your body in about 20 different ways without breaking a sweat. I am fully expecting Hirata to try anything to get out of having to wrestle this match.

Sanshiro Takagi is scary for a different reason: he's the boss (and founder) of DDT which I think gives him an unfair advantage. Imagine if one of the tennis players at Wimbledon had the power to fire all the others! Talk about a power imbalance. Get the union involved I say. For some reason he is also Stone Cold Steve Austin, which is treated as perfectly normal. I thought I was having some kind of hallucination when the glass shattered and a middle aged Japanese man wandered out to pounding techno. 

Anyway this match probably is going to be very weird and might break the world record for the shortest match if To-y can't stop Hirata from tapping out as soon as Suzuki even looks as him.

Prediction: Suzuki & Takagi win (and Suzuki turns Hirata into a fine red mist)

What I'm hoping for: go on Hirata. Pin Suzuki. It'd be so funny, even if it would probably be the last thing you ever did.

Ko-D 6-man Tag Team Championship – paleyouth (Takeshi Masada, Yuya Koroku & Daichi Sato) vs Strange Love Connection (KANON, Viento Levante & Yukio Naya)

Remember those Exciting Youngsters I talked about in part 1? Well three of them are in the recently formed faction paleyouth (who you know are youths because of their casual disdain for capital letters).

Takeshi Masada is a self-proclaimed babygirl who used to be weird, lonely and sad, but now is mainly just weird and only occasionally sad. He’s not lonely any more because he has his own faction so they have to be friends with him! (He also imprinted on a puppet called Bunbun, but I'm not sure that's exactly a mark in the “doing well” column.) Yuya Koroku is like if Kushida got really into joshi gear. And Daichi Satoh is the world's coolest 17 year old. Seriously, it's really unfair just how good he is for his age. Someone tell him he should be writing bad poetry or pathetically trying to impress other teens by reading Camus in public instead (purely hypothetical examples of course). Or maybe he's finding time to do all that as well, I don't know.

Anyway, their challengers are Mao's goons! Kanon is Mao's smooth, round, cuddly boyfriend. Viento Levante is a lucha skeleton (who's actually Keigo Nakamura in a mask but everyone agreed not to talk about it like that scene in Spider-Man 2 or the end of the Hannah Montana movie). Yukio Naya is mostly Large.

Like most DDT 6-man tags, I'm expecting this one to be fast and frenetic from start to finish. Think a Sims-style cartoon dust cloud with limbs flying out, until suddenly the bell rings and apparently someone won, but you were busy helping yourself to another slice of pizza so you missed it.

Prediction: genuinely not sure! SLC win maybe?

Result I want: paleyouth retain (they're my favs!)

Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship Clusterfuck  Delayed Entry Battle Royal

You can keep your IWGP heavyweight title. You can keep your Stardom red belt. You can keep your AEW World championship. There's only one true contender for the most prestigious title in wrestling: DDT's Ironman Heavymetalweight title. It's a 24/7 title, which means all you need to win it are the champion, a ref, and the element of surprise. This also means it changes hands approximately once every 2 minutes. By the time you've finished reading this post, there'll probably be a new champion. In fact, Wrestle Universe has this disclaimer on the match listing:

There have been so many title reigns (over 1,800 and counting) that cagematch can't fit all of them on the page. I would highly recommend reading the “List of champions” page on Wikipedia, especially the inanimate objects section. I discover something new every time: e.g. today I was delighted to learn that some unspecified yakitori has held the title not once, but three separate times. On at least one occasion the title was won by the belt itself. But I think my favourite title change is when a bus was champion and the driver told a wrestler to stop bending the windscreen wipers, which the ref counted as a submission. Anyway, this title is where the silliest stuff in DDT happens, which is why it's automatically the best title.

The stakes are especially high this time of year, as I believe the holder of the title will get a year's travel pass for the Shinkansen!

As for the match itself, it's a “time-delayed entry battle royal”, AKA “it's a royal rumble but if we called it that then WWE would sue us”. Unlike US rumbles , the Japanese version usually has pinfalls and submissions too. It's bound to be a clusterfuck, so I'll just give brief run down of all the announced participants:

Yuki Ishida [c] – sumo enthusiast in the middle of a quarter-life crisis. Recently lost his luscious locks in a hair vs hair match! 

Yuki Iino – extremely loud barrel of a lad with insane hair who looks like the front half of a centaur. Currently a tag champ in Noah!

Toru Owashi – semi-retired giant with a passion for lucha libre that sadly is not matched by his agility (he is trying!)

Akito – underrated technician who gives off chill bike messenger vibes. Also happens to be one of the bookers

Soma Takao – his main/only character trait is edging the crowd by pretending to take his shirt off, which pisses me off to an unreasonable degree 

Fuminori Abe – expert mat wrestler and part-time Buddhist priest (!). Loves Battlarts and comedy in equal measure (same)

Naomi Yoshimura – big strong boy who looks like a cool henchman from a video game. Thighs 4 dayz

Masami Inahata – DDT's most recent signing! I haven't got a good handle on his personality yet, but he seems to be enjoying himself 

Super Sasadango Machine – masked powerpoint enthusiast (there are literally dozens of us). Will often pause proceedings to deliver his slideshow

MJ Paul – immoveable clown who may or may not be an alien. Looks like he's auditioning to be one of the Joker's goons

Ilusion – tiny rude evil bug man festooned with belts (not all his). Surprisingly deep voice for an insect 

Yuni – literal teenager who's somehow a grizzled 9 year veteran already. Does a good flip

Given the belt can change hands at any point, the match itself is little more than a serving suggestion. There's just as likely to be a title change after the final bell which will render everything null and void, so it's generally recommended to just sit back, enjoy the ride and don't try to follow what's going on or your brain will hurt.

Prediction: Hopes will be kindled and then dashed. Empires will rise and fall. SSM might do a powerpoint. There's no way I can call this one.

Result I'm hoping for: it's anyone's game, but Ishida needs some positives after his close shave, so I'm hoping he'll manage to cling onto the belt against all odds

I'll update if I find the others. I'm sure they must exist but I think possibly the wrestlers themselves are the only ones who have the images? Probably some of them have been in instagram stories and I just didn't think to grab them before they disappeared. Maybe Sumi or Dieno will post theirs for their talk events.

As a bonus, from the photographer, an unused Bunbun image:

And the bookmarks you can buy at the exhibition:

Kimihiro = 50.7 kg / 111.7 lbs

MAO = 66.0 kg / 145.5 lbs

GM Imabayashi = 39.3 kg / 86.6 lbs

Ref Matsui = 34.9 kg / 76.9 lbs

Ref Kiso = 42.4 kg / 93.4 lbs (Kiso was pleased to hear he beat Matsui)

Koroku = 43.3 kg / 95.4 lbs

Matsunaga = 55.6 kg / 122.5 lbs

Junta = 60.4 kg / 133.1 lbs

Masada = 57.7 kg / 127.2 lbs

Naomi = 57.8 kg / 127.4 lbs (Apparently he's lost 20 kg in grip strength since he cut weight, which is about 44 lbs)

Ishida = 41.1 kg / 90.6 lbs (Ishida, tipsy and in high spirits, was too loud and got told off by Naomi lol)

Akito = 50.1 kg / 110.4 lbs

Sanshiro = 43.6 kg / 96.1 lbs

Dieno = 46.7 kg / 102.9 lbs (Dieno used to be at 50 kg when he played soccer)

Hirata = The machine kept having an error whenever he tried to do it, which I guess means Hirata's grip is so strong you can't measure it in measly human numbers!

Shunma = 43.4 kg / 95.6 lbs

Yuni = 34.0 kg / 74.9 lbs

To-y = 62.7 kg / 138.2 lbs (The third strongest!)

Ueno = 56.6 kg / 124.7 lbs

Chris = 63.9 kg / 140.8 lbs (The second strongest!)

Sumi = 38.2 kg / 84.2 lbs (initially there was much confusion because the machine was set to lbs accidentally, making it look like Sumi had a grip strength stronger than anyone there)

Rukiya = 50.5 kg / 111.3 lbs

Harashima = 54.2 kg / 119.4 lbs

Naya = 51.3 kg / 113.0 lbs

fighting beer garden 2024 in shinjuku (day 2)