Okay so I kind of need to vent and I need a sounding board for some things. If you're interested in giving advice, or if you're just curious about my life, keep reading... So there's this guy in math class. Let's call him Jake. He's super sweet, he's funny, and he's a good student. We started talking a few months ago because he sits in front of me. It started off where he would constantly turn around and glance at me, and in turn I would smile sheepishly, and it was just cute. Then he started turning his whole body in the chair so he would sit sideways during math lessons, in order to be able both look at the teacher AND talk to me. Okay, cute. We talked a lot - some was joking, sarcastic flirting, and we also just talked about life and stuff. It felt like a good balance. Then he started with the physical touching. He'd put his hand on mine, brush his hand on my hand, etc. Twice he touched my cheek and twice my head. Once he was bold enough to put his arm around me in a friendly way as we were leaving class. I was fine with all this. I felt - and still feel - some sort of attraction to him, but I'm not sure what it is. It's definitely neither sexual nor romantic attraction, but it's some combination of the two. Anyways: Several times in the last few weeks he's asked me if I had any plans, and when I responded that I didn't, we just kind of left it at that. In other words, I could tell he was trying to muster the courage to ask me out, but he wasn't doing it. Finally I asked him to join me to see a movie that I have to see for school anyways, this Friday night. He said yes, and although we never officially called it a "date", it's pretty clear that's what it is. We exchanged snapchats a few days later and have been talking pretty much incessantly for the last week. Like I said, I have some sort of positive "more-than-just-friend" feeling towards him, but I don't think it's concretely romantic or sexual. Anyways, he's super sweet and we're both a lot more forward via text than we are irl. But while he says super cute things, I'm a little worried. Below I'm going to go through Simeon of what he says and analyze it with what worries me: - "you're perfect/you're so beautiful/etc" Okay, yes, this is nice to hear. It gives me butterflies every time. But here's the thing: I'm NOT perfect. I don't need to be perfect, and neither does he. The use of the word "perfect" kind of raises a red flag, because perfection isn't the goal. Also, in all of our conversations he mentions how beautiful I am. Again, no problem. I think he genuinely means it. But I want to develop a relationship by learning about him, not healing about my attractiveness. He doesn't like talking about himself, and whenever I try to mention him, he changes the subject back to me. - "I'll never find anyone like you, you're so unique" Okay yes, on one level this is true, but... no. He's 16/17. I'm not "the one", I'm nothing special, he will find plenty of other girls that make him feel this way throughout his life. I promise. I guess it all just seems so extreme. - "whatever you want - all I want is for you to be happy" He says this a LOT. He needs to bring his own needs to the table in this potential relationship. Obviously partners should care about each other's happiness, but it raises some concerns - for his sake - if he just gets happy seeing me happy and that's all. I feel like that would turn into a relationship where I'm dominant instead of equal, and I don't want that. Now, I get it. It's the honeymoon phase (even though we're not officially in a relationship). It's where you find out that someone you thought was was out of your league, likes you back. (Apparently he had his eye on me since we were in class together last year, and according to him we talked once. But he thought that a girl like me wouldn't want to talk to him). In 7th grade, I can't say I was too different when it came to the guy I liked (which is probably why I scared him off). I should clarify that I don't think he's trying to trick me or be abusive or anything. I'm sure he's just excited and inexperienced and doesn't know nearly as much about relationship dynamics as I do (not because I have dating experience, but because of my blogging here). But through my work in social justice, I've talked a lot and advised a lot of people about their relationships. Even though it's easy to be excited and infatuated, if I were giving advice to myself, I'd definitely raise those red flags. I want nothing less than the best for me and 'Jake', but I feel like there are some issues. I know this isn't how relationships should be, even though I've never been in one. I know people will likely tell me to just talk to him, but that's easier said than done. Plus, he's so infatuated with me that I feel like such criticism - when he was only trying to be sweet - would just crush him. Which, yes, is another bad sign if I can't even bring problems to him. Now, a separate thing: if we start dating. I'm not sure I want to start dating. While I love the idea of having a boyfriend, there's a guy that I'm going to be seeing this summer in Spain. We hooked up last year and we've kept in touch all year, in the hopes of hooking up again and going even further this time. It would really suck if I got a boyfriend less than two months before I see him, when I've been looking forward to this all year. But obviously I can't just tell jake that - "hey, can we postpone our relationship till the fall so I can hook up with this one guy?" So that's another issue. What do I say if he asks me to be his girlfriend? Any tips? Advice? I have a study date with him tomorrow and the movie date on Friday. This isn't a complete list* so I'll probably add more later, but that's the main stuff. *this post doesn't take into account: - my sexual assault - my unclear sexual/romantic orientation - the race/class difference between us (he's a lower class Latino guy and I'm an upper middle class white girl) - not that this would hinder the relationship, but there are things I'm going to have to consider and be sensitive about. I'll talk more about these in a future post.
