#halbrand angst

"Who told you that? The elf?", you spit out, the blood running through your veins seething with anger. "Just a few days have gone by since he was detained in one of our cells, and now he is being hailed as a long-lost king? Do you even listen to yourself?"

"Sister-"

"Don't 'sister' me right now."

Míriel takes a deep breath, resting her weight on the table with both arms, and lowers her head as if she needs a moment to avoid lashing out on you in the same manner you are currently displaying.

"Listen. A marriage like this would rekindle and strengthen the bond between the people of Middle-earth and our kind for generations to come", she explains, her voice calm, but you know her well enough to notice that she has to pull herself together.

"Very well, go ahead and marry him then", you counter and give her a challenging look, the one you have been giving her since you were children. "Why should I be the one to suffer?"

"As the Princess of Númenor, it is your duty to prioritize the welfare of your people over your own!", she yells at you now, her nostrils flaring. You'd be lying if you said you didn't flinch a little when she raised her voice. Usually, it takes longer to unsettle her.

Elendil, who is standing at the large doors to the room, also seems a little shocked. As the two exchange a tender look, however, Míriel's features relax again and she straightens up, slipping back into the role of the wise, majestic Queen-Regent of Númenor.

"I won't accept no for an answer", she tells you, all calm and collected again. No trace left of your loving sister whom you loved so much.

"You have held me captive within these castle's walls for longer than I know and now you wish to ship me off like that?", you scoff in disbelief, crossing your arms in front of your chest, trying to mask how much she's hurting you right now.

"You wanted freedom. Here I am granting it to you."

"This is not freedom", you express your words through gritted teeth, your eyes burning with tears as your words have no effect on Míriel. "You think you can still control me like a child. But you no longer hold any power over me. I won't let you dictate the course of my life."

To emphasize your point, you grab the unassuming tiara adorning your head, smaller and thus in stark contrast to your sister's, and forcefully hurl it to her feet. Several small diamonds come loose and the sound of them scattering around the marble floor makes you shiver.

"I don't care who he is", you say angrily, your hands clenched into fists at your sides while Míriel only looks at you in shock, her eyes wide. "I won't marry someone I don't know, let alone love."

With these final words, you turn away and walk towards the door, which Elendil quickly opens for you. On his face, you clearly see that he feels sorry about how this whole situation expired. But you don't need his pity.

You stomp out angrily, holding back your tears, your pulse pounding in your ears. You have never told her what you think before. You have always done what she asked of you, been a good little sister because you can only imagine the burden she is carrying. But today she has crossed a line.

When you turn around in the hallway one last time, catching a glimpse of Míriel through the closing door, you see Elendil carefully approaching her to comfort her. From this perspective, she looks exhausted, hurt even. But all you feel towards her is anger. You can't help but roll your eyes and release a heavy breath of air from your lungs.

Undoubtedly, that is the reason why she wants you to marry Lord Halbrand. Because her heart is already taken.

You think back to times when you would have been overjoyed, when you would have been genuinely happy for her. You two would have lain on soft pillows and talked about everything, every little detail. Now, you can find none of these feelings inside of you.

Completely lost in your thoughts, you walk through the large halls of the castle, your home. A home that feels much more like a prison. With your head low, you turn a corner and suddenly collide with a hard wall. Caught off guard, you stumble back until a hand closes around your wrist and holds you tight.

You forget to breathe for a moment when your gaze meets his.

"Whoa there. Where are you headed, my lady?", Lord Halbrand asks you in surprise, a gentle smile on his face as he holds you close, his touch on your skin burning. As soon as you notice this, you break free from his grip and take your distance, smoothing down your dress, which he only comments on with a frown.

He is the last person you want to talk to right now.

"Are you all right?", he asks you with concern in his voice, making you realize that you haven't given him an answer and just stood there in silence. In fact, you don't really have anything to say to him. You just wish he would go back to Middle-earth where he belongs.

"Yes", you finally answer, coldly and curtly. "Now if you'll excuse me."

You walk past him, your shoulders almost touching, and listen to your own loud footsteps echoing through the halls as you walk down the corridor.

"Your demeanour leads me to believe that the Queen-Regent informed you of our plans", his voice calls after you, suddenly bringing you to an abrupt halt.

Our plans? That means they have been talking about this behind your back for who knows how long. You were deemed to lose from the beginning. As always.

"She did", you say, slowly turning around and towards him. He hasn't moved from the spot where you left him moments ago, but his presence fills the entire hallway anyway.

The way he stands there and looks at you, as if you were fragile and pitiable, makes the anger inside of you boil up once more and you walk towards him. Instead of taking a step back, however, he takes one towards you so that he is now towering over you with all his height.

"Listen to my words: I don't know what exactly you hope to achieve with this.. marriage. But it will never happen. I will not marry you", you tell him clearly, emphasizing the last words by poking your index finger into his chest. You don't give him time to answer, but as you turn around you notice the knowing grin that plays around his lips.

You decide not to respond to this and move away from him entirely. As soon as you turn into the next corridor, you finally feel like you can breathe again. At least as much as is possible for you within these walls.

You haven't been able to breathe properly in here for a long time.

You walk to your room, two guards posted on either side of the massive doors, and let yourself through without a word. Once inside, you find your way directly to the balcony, which overlooks the entire city and the harbour. The wind blows through your hair and creates a sad smile on your lips. From up here, you can hear nothing but the wind, the people frolicking down there nothing more than tiny black dots. A single tear finds its way down your cheek and you don't bother to wipe it away. Rather, you are amazed that you can even cry at all after all the tears you have already shed here.

You don't know if it is at that moment, or before, when you threw your crown at Míriel's feet, but you make a decision.

With a goal in mind, you go back inside, into the huge room you call your own and search through several closets until you find what you are looking for. You swap your beautifully ornamented dress for a more simple one, get rid of all your jewelry and put your hair into a casual updo. On the way to the door, your own reflection briefly looks back at you from the mirror across the room and you pause as you look at yourself.

Nothing is left of the little girl who once had dreams and pursued goals.

Taking another deep breath, you open the door and step out. The guards bow, as they always do when they see you.

"I'm going to pay a visit to my father", you explain to them, which they confirm with a short nod. They are about to follow you, but seem to remember that you are now allowed to walk around without guards constantly at your side, at least within the castle's walls. A change that hasn't been in effect for very long.

Nevertheless, you quicken your pace once you are out of their reach, afraid that they will decide to follow you after all. On your way, you make sure to avoid the maids and other guards, hiding behind corners, holding your breath. When you finally arrive at the stairs to the tower that lead up to your father, you stop hesitantly. But it only takes a moment, remembering your conversation with Míriel and all the other terrible events of the past, for you to regain your strength and turn away. With quick steps, you take the next set of stairs that lead down.

As you arrive in corridors that lead to the kitchen and staff facilities, you pay close attention to every little noise. Your heart is pounding so hard against your chest that you feel like it can be heard echoing throughout the corridors. You put your shaking hands against the spot where your heart is and try to calm yourself down. You've never tried to break out of this prison before, you always thought you were here for your own good. But you know better now. The thought of the outside world, which you have encountered so rarely in your life, scares you beyond belief either way.

Your sister's words still roam around your mind, making you clench your fists, until you gather up all your courage. Finally, you make it out of one of the doors, out into the fresh air that greets you lovingly.

However, you have no time to linger and quickly move forward, with careful steps as not to alert anyone. As you walk, you pull a cloth out of the corset of your dress that you had previously hidden there. In one swift motion, you pull it over your head and hide your face behind the fabric, only your eyes visible now.

With these safety measures in place, you make your way to the harbour, away from the castle. The entrances for the staff are guarded, but because of your disguise they let you pass. Once you slip past them, you are immediately surprised by the number of people walking through the streets. The sun is already setting on the horizon and the warm light of lanterns illuminates the alleyways.

With a gentle smile, you watch as two children whirl around, holding dolls that they chase each other with. You follow the mass of people who probably want to celebrate the end of their day in one of the taverns. The closer you get to the center of the city, the market square, the louder and more crowded it becomes. You hear them talking, laughing with each other, arguments are being settled, some young girls dance in the middle of a crowd of people who happily watch and applaud.

Despite the positive and joyful atmosphere, you are overcome by a feeling of sadness and sorrow all of a sudden. These people are your people - and you never get to see them. They don't get to see you unless they enter the castle, and that is something only a few people are allowed to do, reserved especially for the nobles and those of higher rank. But what makes you even sadder is the fact that very few of them even care for you. You are second in line to the throne. Once your father leaves this world, Míriel will be their Queen. Accordingly, interest in you is quite low. You are not even sure they would recognize you if you took off your disguise.

The sad truth is that they wouldn't, and that hurts more than you thought. And these are the people you are supposed to give your life for.

Suddenly everything becomes too much for you. Your ears are ringing, your heart is pounding, your whole body is shaking. No matter where you look, there are crowds of people everywhere. You feel small, constricted, helpless. You are carelessly pushed to the side, shoved forward. Your feet are stepped on, no one apologizes. You try to break out of the crowd, but your head is spinning and you no longer know which direction to go. Your breathing is getting faster and louder by the second. Nobody notices, nobody shows even the slightest hint of interest in you.

When you feel your legs giving way beneath you, you are suddenly grabbed by the arm and pulled into an alley.

You are terrified when you realize that you cannot defend yourself, your body is completely frozen and does not listen to your commands. Only when you feel a gentle hand on your cheek - the cloth must have come loose in all the chaos - and look up do you let out a breath that you didn't even know you were holding in. Lord Halbrand is standing in front of you, his face painted in concern as he looks you up and down.

"What are you doing out here all alone, Princess?", he asks and quickly grabs a hold of your shoulder as you start to drift away again, your legs no longer able to hold you upright. Exhausted, you lean against the stone wall behind you and close your eyes. You don't like that he sees you like this. On the other hand, he just saved you and prevented you from fainting in the middle of a crowd.

"I.. don't know", you whisper in defeat and it takes all your strength to admit it.

"What were you even thinking?", he says quietly, more to himself than to you. It feels like he doesn't want to scold you, but on the other hand he also does want to.

You look into his eyes, his face bathed in warm light from the soft candlelight of the lanterns around you. The wounds that are covering his skin have slowly healed, but even in this dim light you still notice them. Only now, when staring at him, do you realize that he is distracting you from all the noise and hustle, faded into the background.

"Come. I'll escort you back to the castle", he finally offers, his hands still on your shoulders as if he doesn't dare let go of you, afraid that you'll drift into the darkness at any moment.

Once again, you don't react and only stare at him, making the worry on his face deepen. In the meantime, you just can't wrap your head around how a Southlander like him, a low man, who barely knows you and who you've met with nothing but hatred, is worried about you while the people around you, your kind, are far away from even remotely caring about you.

"Can you walk on your own?", he asks, and when you finally nod in agreement, he lets go of you. But not for long, because after he puts the cloth back in its place to cover your features one of his hands wraps around yours and holds it tightly in his grip as he pulls you behind him, up several steps that lead further away from the cheerful scene.

You are grateful that he doesn't ask any questions, doesn't want to know why you were out here in the first place.

"Thank you."

That makes him pause for a moment and his hand applies a little more pressure on yours. In response, he turns to you with a gentle smile and lowers his head in resignation.

For some inexplicable reason, your heart suddenly skips a beat. He doesn't seem to notice the change in your face, however, and walks on. Together you make your way through the winding streets and you are amazed at how well he already knows his way around. You have to admit that it also hurts. After just a few days he's already more familiar with this city than you are.

You can already see the entrance to the castle when Lord Halbrand halts in his step, forcing you to stop as well. Turning to you, he steps closer and lifts your hand. Then, he gently places his other hand on top of it.

"I don't know what you were doing out there", he starts, looking from your hand between his to your eyes. "But rest assured that I'll keep it to myself."

The relief you feel in that moment is indescribable. If your sister found out you had escaped, she would surely reinforce all safety measure to protect you. This feeling doesn't last long, however, when another emotion suddenly overshadows it once he continues speaking.

"A princess like you doesn't belong out here."

He may not notice it, but these words hurt you deeply and make your eyes burn with tears within seconds. Without hesitation, you snatch your hand from him and put some distance between you by taking a few steps back. Your knees still feel weak, but you don't let it show. Lord Halbrand's face meets yours with incomprehension as you do so.

"I know where I belong", you spit out angrily and straighten up. For a moment you actually thought there might be more hidden beneath his facade. Oh, how wrong you were.

With these last words, you leave him standing there and walk the last few meters to the castle without him. Once again, you sneak through the staff quarters into the castle. Although you don't want to admit it, the walls suddenly give you comfort, making you feel safe and protected.

You quickly blink away a few tears and return to your chambers, where you go straight to bed. Even though you are incredibly exhausted and drained, you don't sleep all night. You toss and turn in the sheets, your mind plagued by nightmares until you hear the birds outside singing.

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Annoyed, you slam the door to your chambers shut behind you and lean against it with a huff. Then you slide down to the cold ground and pull your knees closer to you, hugging them against your body.

Once again you tried to talk to your sister. Once again she dismissed your words as if they were worthless.

And that's exactly how you feel right now: worthless. Born into a life that brings you nothing but suffering and pain.

Ever since you were born, you were the one who would never ascend the throne. Who would never rule. And you never wanted to. You would never want to be your sister. But right now, you wish that you were both just born into a normal family, with no wealth or power. At the end of the day, she is still your big sister, the one who has always watched over you. Your mother dead, your father long bedridden - she is the only family you have left.

You miss the times when everything was peaceful. Happy times long gone when two sisters were inseparable. But the years made you believe that this world is not made for anyone to be happy.

You lower your head and let the sadness wash over you like waves finally bringing down a ship, and tears stream down your cheeks. Your body shakes, but you hold back any sobs, crying in silence.

You don't know how long you sat there, alone with your thoughts, the very last tear leaving your eye, but eventually something catches your attention. Something that reflects the light from across the room, lying on your vanity table that wasn't there when you left in the morning. Slowly, you get up and walk over, only to discover a beautiful brooch on top of a small piece of parchment. The design is that of a sun and the brooch is decorated with white and blue diamonds. It's breathtaking to look at.

You glance at the black ink on the parchment and your heart involuntarily jumps once more. The words read: 'Forgive me'.

When you suddenly hear footsteps behind you, however, you don't have time to think about these words any further. In one quick movement, you take an ornate dagger out of one of the drawers and turn in the direction of the noises. What you don't expect, however, is that Lord Halbrand emerges from the shadows behind your bed.

"H-How did you get in here? Who let you in?", you ask, out of breath, your heart pounding. The dagger in your hand is still raised, even as he approaches you. He doesn't say anything, however, just stands in front of you and slowly grabs your hand, which is tightly gripping the weapon. He lowers your joined hands and carefully removes the dagger from your grip, leaning over you to gently place it on the table.

"I was uncertain if my apology would be deemed acceptable, hence I wanted to see you in person to make sure", his soft voice sounds in your ear and sends a shiver down your spine. He is definitely too close to you right now and even though you'd never admit it, it doesn't feel uncomfortable. You look straight into his shining eyes which are not quite blue and not quite green but something in the middle. You swallow because the intensity in his gaze leaves you speechless.

"Get off me", you manage to croak out, sounding anything but convincing. Lord Halbrand notices this too, a smirk playing around his lips.

"I know you don't mean that, Princess. And that, deep down, you have already forgiven me", he breathes in a deeper voice than before and brushes a strand of hair from your face. In an instant, you grab his wrist and stop him from touching you any further. Because you know exactly what his touch does to you. And you simply cannot and do not want to acknowledge that you like what he does.

So far, every encounter with him was exhilarating, thrilling, like you were finally embarking on a long-awaited adventure. He awakens feelings you have kept locked away for a long time, sealed behind thick iron bars. Brick by brick, he slowly destroys the protective walls you have built around your heart.

It scares you.

"Lord Halbrand", you say more seriously now and stare directly into his beautiful eyes while he does not even try to free himself from your grip. "Get out of this room or I will call the guards and have you removed."

At that threat, Lord Halbrand lets out a quiet chuckle and removes his hand from your tight grip with ease.

"Before long, I will become your husband. It's time for you to get used to my presence, my lady", he states and the fury that rises in your eyes at his words is unmistakable. "I am aware that this.. arrangement may not be something you look forward to, but I suggest that you begin to come to terms with it. I fear you have no choice but to agree."

"Don't do this", you plead, and even though you try your best to hide it, your body trembles and your eyes fill with tears. The realization that he is telling the truth makes you feel sick to your stomach. Not wanting him to see your obvious discomfort, you turn your head away, lowering it in the process.

The next moment, however, you are unexpectedly pulled forward and suddenly feel two strong, muscular arms around you. Lord Halbrand hugs you as if his life depended on it. You can't even remember the last time someone hugged you. Especially not like this.

The slight scent of sea salt and smoke greets you and you have to admit that his embrace makes you feel safe, comfortable even. With his arms pressing you against his firm body tenderly, he manages to stop your body from shaking and your head from spinning. Right now, it's just you and Lord Halbrand. No could-haves, no would-haves.

The fact that you are no longer averse to his proximity scares you an immeasurable amount. That is also the reason why, in the next second, you push him away with all your strength, your hands on his hard chest.

"Please, Lord Halbrand. I need you to leave", you almost beg him and when his hand clasps yours on his chest, you look up at him and suddenly feel seen. The way he looks at you is unlike anyone has ever looked at you before.

"Your wish is my command, Princess", he nods and lifts your hand to his mouth, where he places a feather-light kiss on the back of your hand before he walks back to the large doors to your chamber, not taking his eyes off you. You also watch him and wait for him to finally leave you.

"Leave out the Lord next time", is the last thing he says before he disappears.

As soon as you see the door slam shut behind him, however, you run over with quick steps. Only when you get there and reach for the door handle do you stop yourself. What has gotten into you? Overwhelmed by the emotions flowing through your body all at once, you lean your forehead against the door in defeat.

After staying there for a while and taking several deep breaths to calm your rapidly pounding heart, you walk over to the brooch that is still shining at you from the table. Carefully, you place the fragile thing in the palm of your hand and examine it when you suddenly hear a whistle.

Wondering where it came from, you step out onto your balcony and see a few ships leaving the bay in the distance. But your attention is quickly drawn to the person standing in the courtyard a few meters below, looking up at you. You don't have to look twice to know that it is Halbrand.

"Give us a chance", he calls up to you and even from this distance you can see the bright smile on his face. Then he turns around and disappears under one of the archways.

Holding the brooch tightly to your heart, you can't believe that a soft smile creeps onto your lips.

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"His Lordship Halbrand has requested to see you, my lady", one of the guards announces as you step out of your chambers the next morning. The mention of his name makes your heart skip a beat and you straighten up immediately.

"Then I shouldn't keep him waiting", you reply gracefully and let the guard accompany you to the place where Halbrand wants to meet you. You wouldn't have expected this to be the inner courtyard, though. And even less that he would be waiting for you there with two saddled horses.

"I hope you had a good night's sleep, my lady", Halbrand greets you with a gentle smile and notices that your steps immediately slow down when you see him with the horses. "Rest assured, Princess. I have consulted with the Queen-Regent regarding this matter. With her approval, I am permitted to accompany you on a brief ride. If that is what you wish, of course."

You pause entirely. You can't believe he convinced your sister to let you leave the castle, and with only Halbrand as your company as well. On the other hand, you've gotten a sense of how charming and persuasive he can be in the last few days.

Smiling, he holds out the reins of a white mare that is standing calmly next to him. Still a little unsure about the whole situation, you take the reins and stroke the horse gently, but don't take your eyes off Halbrand.

"H-How?", you ask him in disbelief. You can't help but think back to how often you have begged your sister to finally let you leave the castle. The fact that she is allowing this now makes you a little suspicious, but you certainly won't question her motives if it means that you can experience freedom once more, even if only for a few hours.

"We have to be back by sunset", Halbrand winks at you and comes closer, making you take a step back instinctively. When he reaches out his hand, you realize that he just wants to help you onto the mare, so you put your hand in his. Once you feel his calloused, rough yet soft hand, a pleasant feeling flows through you and when you sit upon the mare's back, you feel like you could conquer the world. He mounts his black horse as well and together you lead the horses out of the gate.

You turn around, your eyes fixed on the castle and the guards who make no move to follow you. A sense of relief flows through your body at once. Side by side, you make it out of the city and as soon as you leave the border of the capital, you are greeted by vast meadows and fields, grass gently swaying in the wind.

It doesn't take long before you get your horses galloping over the fields. Your white mare is a little faster than his horse, but you hardly even notice. You can only concentrate on the wind blowing through your hair, letting your dress float gently behind you. The air feels liberating and you are amazed at the beauty of nature, the beauty of the island you call home but have seen so little of.

A little later you reach a white sandy beach, the waves calm, seagulls squalling in the distance. The sea suddenly smells completely different from what you are used to and you can't help but smile.

If this is what freedom feels like, you won't ever go back.

Finally, you bring your horse to a stop on the shore, scratching her head, and turn to Halbrand, who stops his stallion right in front of you. Your hair is all tousled by the wind, but Halbrand smiles at you so genuinely that your cheeks flush. Without saying a word, you hop off your mare's back and bend down to bury your hands in the sand. As Halbrand dismounts, you quickly take off your shoes, lift up the fabric of your dress a little, and wade into the shallow water, which laps warmly against your skin.

You can't remember the last time you felt the ocean. As a Númenorean, you are connected to the sea on a deeper level and it feels like, right now, it's showing you how much it's missed you, like you're reuniting with an old friend. The sun is high above you, warming your skin as you close your eyes and enjoy the moment. Then you jump around the water playfully and with so much joy you haven't felt since you were a child.

Until you meet Halbrand's gaze. He is still standing where you left him, the reins of both horses in his hand, watching you enjoy yourself with so much affection in his eyes that you want nothing more than to run to him and fall into his arms, chasing the exhilarating feeling he gave you the day before.

Shyly, you slowly walk back to him through the ankle-deep water, your dress a little wet at the bottom.

"Enjoying yourself?", he asks with a smile, one hand scratching his horse behind the ears as he looks you up and down with sparkling eyes.

"Not exactly princess-like behaviour now, is it?", you shrug, eliciting a chuckle from him that gives you goosebumps and makes your heart beat faster.

"If you want my humble opinion: I think it's exactly how a princess should behave", he replies, the wrinkles around his eyes from smiling making him even more handsome in your eyes. "You shouldn't have to hide from the world."

"I wish I could come here more often", you sigh, ignoring his statement, your mood suddenly burdened by the thought that this moment of freedom will not last long and you will soon find yourself locked up inside the walls of the castle again. Halbrand's expression matches yours, but his gaze lays you bare. Feeling weak, you turn away. You stumble through the sand and finally flop onto the ground on a small dune, neatly placing your shoes next to you. Halbrand leaves the horses in your sight and joins you, sitting just a few meters next to you, your elbows touching.

For a while, neither of you says anything and you just stare out at the waves, which radiate a certain calm.

"As a child, I was very sick. An unidentified illness that was brought over from the continent. Despite having overcome it, I remained in a very weak state, requiring assistance with everything. I was not allowed to go out neither were people allowed to see me for fear of infecting me again. I was always surrounded by guards", you explain, your voice strong, but you have to pull yourself together not to sob. "Míriel was the only one who stood by my side, who made my time a little more bearable. Since our father.. has fallen sick, my sister feels even more responsible for my safety and, just like him, doesn't let me go out. She says it's for my own good and I once believed that, a long time ago. But now I doubt her concern is rooted in anything else than her own fear of losing me."

As soon as the last words leave your lips, you feel free. Free from the burden of not being able to tell anyone. But saying it out loud makes it feel so much more real. Still, pride fills you that you didn't shed a single tear. Halbrand, who was hanging on your every word, looks at you not with pity or sadness, but with a smile.

"Thank you for confiding in me. I can hardly imagine how hard that must have been for you", he tells you, speaking as if all of this is no longer your present. Maybe it's not right now, but it will be once you return.

"I have been wondering why you were locked up inside your whole life", he mutters to himself and takes a handful of sand, letting it trickle through his fingers. "And despite the prospect of freedom, you are against this marriage?"

His words hit you harder than they should, because you have to admit that you haven't given it a thought since yesterday.

"It's about her treating me like I'm a commodity that can be sold for a price", you answer, anger rising inside of you at the thought. "Either she keeps me here and risks a war or she finally lets me leave, with the ulterior motive that I at least bring some added value to Númenor. Besides, no one ever said that I would come with you once we were married."

"You think she would keep you here?", Halbrand asks, astonished. When you nod, something like determination paints his features.

"I won't allow that."

"I fear none of us will have much say in this", you sigh, exhausted and defeated, absentmindedly playing with the sand now as well. "I'm sorry you have to put up with a princess who knows nothing about this world, let alone has seen anything-"

"Don't say that", Halbrand interrupts you firmly, his eyebrows drawn together as if it physically hurts him to hear such words coming from your mouth. "You are perfect in my eyes, Princess."

You are glad he can't see the way your heart has started beating faster. What he can see, however, is the blush rising to your cheeks, which you quickly try to hide by turning your head away, pulling your knees closer to you.

"I feel like no one has ever told you how beautiful you are. In every way", he continues and you are startled when you feel his hand on your chin, gently turning your face back to him. You find it difficult to look at him, his eyes are looking at you so intensely that you no longer know which way is up and which way is down.

"Lord Halb-"

"What did I tell you about the Lord?", he chuckles, shaking his head at your cute behaviour. He loves the colour of pink your cheeks have taken on and how your eyes search his for any sign that he is lying, but you find nothing but the truth in them.

"When I told you that a princess like you doesn't belong here, I meant that a princess like you, who should be a queen, doesn't belong on this island, isolated from the world", Halbrand whispers, his hand moving from your chin to your cheek, where he gently strokes your heated skin with his thumb. "You belong in the very middle of it."

"N-No. I could never be a queen, I was not born for that", you explain, confident in your own words because it's all you have ever heard in your entire life; you would never be queen.

"I will make you a queen", he replies and the conviction with which he says this, the affection that resonates in his words and his features, makes you believe in his words. You desperately want to believe them.

"I promise I will not go without bringing you along", he assures you, holding your face in both of his hands now, his face so close to yours that you only have to lean forward a little to taste his lips. Halbrand notices this too, his gaze wanders to your lips and back to your eyes, which meet his almost pleadingly. As soon as you slightly nod, he connects your lips in a gentle but longing kiss. You gasp, never having been kissed before. Your heart feels like it will jump out of your chest at any moment, the sound of the waves blurs with your heartbeat and your hands get lost in his hair.

The kiss only lasts a few seconds, both of you having to catch your breath, but you don't want to let go of him. You have no idea what this man, this inconspicuous King of the Southlands, is doing to you, but you don't want to think about it because all you know is that you finally feel like yourself again, a feeling that seems so familiar yet unknown.

"I promise I will make you a queen and if it's the last thing I do", Halbrand tells you once more, leaning his forehead against yours before leaving a gentle kiss on the side of your mouth. Smiling up at him, you waste no time to wrap your arms around his neck and connect your lips in another kiss.

When the elves left Númenor you were one of the few who remained. You lived in seclusion for a time, not wishing to aggravate the men who had cast your people out. Then, when their newest king arose to the throne and tried to bring back the old ways, you reappeared in their cities.

It was in those very cities that you had met Sauron, although he was known as Halbrand at the time.

He was found adrift at sea alongside Galadriel, the commander of the northern armies, and brought to the shores of Númenor by Elendil, one of the few people in all of Númenor that was not against your presence there.

You had little reason not to trust the outsider when both the famed Galadriel and your dear friend Elendil seemed to put their faith in him, a misjudgement you all soon paid for.

In his time in Númenor, Sauron had grown all the more trustworthy and, although he claims to have never once lied to you, everything he did was shrouded in deception.

All of it was a lie… every single thing.

Every moment you had shared from the tingle you felt as your fingers brushed against his to the time you fought at one another’s sides on the battlefield.

You hated him. Well, you should have.

He was the first man you’d ever loved. The first and, perhaps, the last. In all your years you had never met another like him. No one had ever made you feel the way he did.

How were you supposed to hate someone you had grown to love more than any other?

The first time your lips touched it felt right. It was as if not a single war or power could drive you apart or overcome the feeling of being in his arms.

Maybe it had all been a spell. A trick cast on you by the damned sorcerer — the Dark Lord himself.

You wish it had been a spell. Then perhaps it would not have hurt so much when you found out the truth about him.

Galadriel had pieced it together first and come to you to warn you of her findings but it was you who first confronted him.

He told you he was trying to save Middle Earth and he wanted you by his side, to bind him to the light, but he knew nothing of the light he spoke about. He was disillusioned, truly believing he would be the one to save Middle Earth from doom.

His lust for power had overtaken him and clouded his mind.

You would never suppress the people of Middle Earth to bring order, you wouldn’t become a tyrant.

He smiled as you held your dagger to his throat but in the deepest depths of his menacing eyes, you could see the man you loved trapped inside.

Halbrand and Sauron may have been one man but they were so very different from one another. Although you knew not to be so hopeful, a part of you suspected that Halbrand had not only been a false persona but a part of who he had once been before his path into darkness.

You did not shed a single tear, not in front of him. Not as you fought him after your confrontation, not even when you awoke with a bloodied head and not a single trace of him.

He could have killed you that day yet he chose not to, he chose to let you live. For what reason you were still unsure.

Only after you were sure he had left did you cry. Galadriel held you as you crumbled, falling to your knees as you wept. You couldn’t breathe for your chest was so tight, so heavy.

Everything had been a lie. Everything.

Every touch, every whisper, every smile and conversation. All of it had been just another part of his plan.

He said he had never lied to you but if he truly loved you as he said he did he would not have left you there. He would not have forsaken you to return to his path of evil.

You weren’t enough to deter him from his chase for power. You weren’t enough.

It wasn’t until years later that you saw him again. You fought through an army to reach him — to kill him.

He was in his armour, his figure towering over those around him. With a wave of his hand, he dismissed those who stood nearby to protect him, leaving only the two of you.

You readied your weapon, fingers gripping the hilt of your sword as you waited for him to make the first move. It was easier this way, you didn’t have to see his face.

He just stood there, watching you from under the dark armour that adorned his head.

“Fight me, Sauron.”

His fist clenched, that was the first time you had called him by that name.

He took a breath and just as you thought he was moving to draw his sword, he reached for his helmet.

It was only when you saw his face again that you realised you couldn’t kill him. Not when he looked at you with such a softness in his eyes, something that should be foreign to a being such as him.

Then, your swords clashed together like waves against rocks. He moved the same way he always had, with determination and strength, a tough foe.

When the fight came to an end he had you pinned to the floor with his sword to your throat, mirroring the way you had threatened him the day you found out who he really was.

You had expected him to slice your throat the moment he felt the painful sab of your dagger piercing through his side where you had wedged it through a gap in his armour. Instead, he faltered.

With a frustrated groan, he pulled away from you once again, seemingly as unable to end you as you were unable to end him.

You wished he had killed you and ended your suffering then and there. After all, you’d rather die by his hand than have to live on and one day watch him fall. Despite everything he had done, you still loved him.

As the battle outside came to an end he reached out, grabbing your wrist as he forcefully pulled you along. Not that there was any need for the force, you would have followed him willingly had he asked.

Perhaps you were a fool to think there was still a chance you could get through to him but you knew you had to try.

The battle was long since over and your people were likely still searching for your body, expecting you to have perished in the fight.

When he was without his armour it was almost as if Halbrand was standing in front of you, not Sauron. It was still hard not to keep the two separate in your mind.

He barely winced as he cleaned the wound you had given him, dabbing a wet rag across his skin to rid himself of the blood — his blood. Not many had drawn blood from him, few had ever had the chance.

“Did you ever even care for me?”

His head turned back towards you ever so slightly but he still did not turn enough to meet your gaze. Even through the hair that fell over his face, you could see his eyes were not looking your way. It was as if he simply could not bring himself to do so.

“Sauron.”

There it was again, that name. He had always taken pride in his names but when you called him that one it made him feel something he couldn’t understand.

Even you noticed it. The way his fist had clenched earlier and now the look of unease that crossed over his face.

“I did.”

That was his only reply, two stoic words of confirmation. It hurt more to finally hear them than you thought it would.

“Then why?”

Finally, he turned to you with crossed brows and those soft eyes he only seemed to adorn when he was with you.

“Am I not enough for you? Will you always choose power over me?”

His eyes grew colder as he listened to you speak, Sauron taking the reins once again to hide the hurt he was trying so desperately not to feel. “And you? Will you always choose to destroy me? To kill me? Will you never join me? We can save Middle Earth together.”

“You want to rule, not save.”

“And what is so bad about that? Is it wrong to want to rule?”

Just listening to him talk hurt more than you could explain. You wished for nothing more than to go back to before you knew who he really was, back to your time on Númenor. Back to when you first began falling in love with him.

“You’ve hurt people, killed people. People I loved, including yourself,” you paused for a moment only to continue again when his brows furrowed once more, “I loved you, Halbrand. I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone before and you betrayed me. You killed the man I fell in love with the moment you told me your true name.”

Sharply, he stepped closer and your breath hitched in your throat at the quickness of the action.

“I did not kill him. I am still him, part of me always will be. I did not deceive you, I only withheld the truth. Were you not the one who told me our pasts do not matter? That we have all touched the darkness?”

He was growing desperate now — desperate for you to understand. He hated the way you looked at him, he wanted you to look at him the way you used to. He missed the way you used to see him.

“We are soldiers, we have all done bad things but you… you have hurt so many…”

“Yet you still love me, do you not?”

Your mouth started to move but no words would form.

You knew you couldn’t lie to him for it was obvious enough from the fact that you were here with him now. You could have protested as he dragged you away from the battlefield, you could have tried to kill him again. He hadn’t taken your weapons, after all.

However, you hadn’t done any such thing. You left with him willingly and your hand hadn’t once strayed to clutch your sword.

His fingers were so gentle when they tapped under the bottom of your chin, lifting your head up to look at him again when your eyes strayed.

It was wrong. Everything he was doing was wrong. He was Sauron, he was the greatest evil in all of Middle Earth, yet here he was treating you — his enemy — as if you were something precious.

Without words, you nodded. You did still love him, no matter how much it pained you to admit it.

You truly had meant what you said back then, the past is the past, and if he had given up his quest to dominate Middle Earth to be with you maybe you would have left it in the past.

Again, your head fell as tears began to prick at the corners of your eyes.

“I hate you,” you spoke as you stepped closer, hitting your fist against his chest, “and I hate that I still love you.”

He wrapped his arms around you and his touch was still so gentle, so careful as you cried against him.

“I know… I know.” Even his voice was quiet and airy, Halbrand’s feelings betraying him as they began to surface.

“I hate you,” you whispered again.

Still, he held you. He held you until he could not bear to hear you weep any longer.

You knew then that you wouldn’t leave him this time. You had made your decision to stay by his side. If anyone could change him — save him — it had to be you.

He was conflicted. He wanted to be Sauron but, for you, he wanted to remain Halbrand. There was a battle raging inside him between good and evil and you knew you would be the one to pull him into the light.

Or, if there really was no hope, you would be the one to finally drive a dagger through his heart before driving one through your own.

Such a typical move of his. Which, in context, is a silent acknowledgement that Sauron is almost defeated, and it touches those deep strings of Y/N's heart that make her cheeks blush. It was obvious that she shared this defeat with him, though to his eyes it remained hidden. 

“You don't think they're proud of what you've accomplished in this, do you?” he taunted Y/N on purpose, outwardly mocking the way she had missed, failed, and fallen, keeping quiet that it was actually him who did all of this. With an impenetrable grin on his face, Halbrand feared that Y\N would seriously back down, obey his deceptive speeches or voice of reason, or anything else that would raise doubts in her faith in him. 

He was seeking devotion, and that devotion was a treasure she would not give him so easily.

“Take off your cynical mask when it's me you're talking to.” Y/N said sternly and rose from her seat, “You wanted me to call you Halbrand,” she took a step toward him, keeping his provocative gaze on her, “so deign not to treat me as if it were Melkor's right hand that appeared before me.” 

“But it is.” Halbrand was gloomy, like an enraged sky before the onset of a rainstorm, and it was almost like he physically exhaled the flames he was diligently extinguishing somewhere in the depths. 

Yet, Y/N kept walking forward, “No, not anymore,” her palm reached his chest and he shuddered, “You were created like Mairon, and there wasn't a single trace on you of what torments you now,” she could feel how his heart pounded out of his ribcage through the thin fabric of his tunic, “The traces will go away if you let them.” She stared at the throbbing vein on Halbrand's neck for a long moment, then looked up at him, “Is it possible for you to let them?” 

Her lips were in such a pleasant, pampering closeness and it made him so angry. It was a desire... something, in this mortal form, that Halbrand had to get used to for quite a while. He ran his hand across Y/N cheekbone the way it was the blade of a knife, not his finger. 

“If all this turns out to be the intention they put in you, my Serena, just to punish me..” he grabbed her neat face, “It'd better not be, because I'm going to be dead pissed.” 

Y\N only laughed at it, “You should know me better than that.” she found his hand, only briefly averting her gaze from his eyes fixed on her, and wove their fingers together, “But instead, you choose to be blind.” 

Whether it was the sweetness inherent in a woman's nature or the the prodding effect of Maiar, Halbrand, yet, wanted to believe that this was how love was functioning. He had only basic notions of this curse, but even that was enough for him to classify himself as one of these poor doomed men as well. This weakness, seeping into him like poison, urged him to give in, to give more than he had, to the one he had chosen (or not chosen), but wanted to keep near him either way. 

He was holding Y/N by the chin when, for the first time, the crystals of tears gathered at the border of her fluttering lashes became obvious to him. Her soul languished in oppressive anticipation for at least a word, his word, to be spoken. 

“I will spend entire years needing you if you ever abandon me.” he said in a low voice, “Will your love be enough not to condemn me to such a fate?” 

The Dark Lord — your Dark Lord — had become a part of your very soul.

You weren’t sure when you stopped calling him by his false name but at some point, Halbrand and Sauron had truly become one in your mind. Or, perhaps, you had found yourself falling for even the darkest parts of him.

Instead of pulling him into the light, he had drawn you to the shadows.

You had become his queen and he treated you as such. He claimed everything he was doing was for you, to bring order to Middle Earth and rule alongside you.

Power was still his one true love but regardless you knew he truly did care for you, in his own twisted way.

Even as you began your descent into darkness, he was kind to you. Always so gentle unless you desired otherwise.

As you lay next to him, watching Sauron sleep so soundlessly beside you, it was almost difficult to picture him as the evil tyrant he was to become.

He looked so peaceful with his hair splayed out on the soft pillow beneath him. His arm was wrapped loosely around you, keeping you close to his side.

He did love you, or he was at least good at fooling you into thinking so, and you wished for nothing more than to live out the rest of your days with him. But, even as darkness grasped at you, you knew what you had to do.

You had never been enough and you never would be. The day you joined him you swore to yourself that you would put an end to his madness if there truly was no getting through to him.

That time had finally come.

So you lay beside him with a dagger firm in your hand. Your heart was racing, the pain of what was to come already too much to bear.

It was more painful than the day he told you of his deception. You couldn’t breathe and, for a moment, you considered dropping the dagger to save yourself the torment of going through with it but this was bigger than you — bigger than the love you had for him.

You rolled over, moving his arm as you carefully straddled his lap. He was still asleep, completely unsuspecting of your betrayal, and tears began to stain your cheeks as you finally raised the dagger over your head.

The dagger came plummeting down and, just as it began to pierce through the skin above his heart, his eyes opened. He grabbed ahold of you, preventing your hands from pushing it any further.

“I’m sorry,” you sobbed, still using all the strength you could muster to push against him.

His cold eyes softened and he leaned up, pushing his lips to yours for a brief moment before letting go of your hands, letting the dagger slowly sink into him.

You cried more now, knowing that at that moment he had chosen you.

“I’m so sorry,” you continued to cry as his hand brushed against your cheek as if he was telling you it was okay.

As his eyes began to close for the last time, you pulled the dagger from him only to turn it on yourself.

This had always been the plan, you knew you could not live without him. When you first walked into Mordor you had already decided that you would not leave without him.

You kissed him again, leaning down onto the dagger you held between you and, as it finally broke through your flesh, a part of you was relieved that it was finally over.

In your dying moments, however, you still wished it could have ended another way — that he could have chosen you sooner.

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It wasn’t long before you started to fall.

Before long he was up and about again, walking around despite the pain that still lingered from his wounds. By then, he already had you. Heart and soul.

He got along with the smiths soon enough, helping them with tips and pointers as they tried to uncover the secrets of mithril.

It was only then that Galadriel began to doubt his motives. She had brought him to Middle Earth with her, after all. He had protested her at every turn, wishing to be left alone to his own devices. She had even been the one to make him a king.

In her blind faith, your own arose. You had little reason to doubt the man who had arrived alongside Galadriel, her guest, and even then he had managed to captivate you in ways you could not describe.

In such a short amount of time, he filled your heart and became everything to you. He was your sun at dusk, your moon at dawn. He was the very stars that flickered in your eyes. All you wished for in this world was to be with him, to live out your days by his side.

It was foolish of you to want for a man, one who would lead a mortal life and grow old far before you. Then again, perhaps a part of you had always known there was something more to him — something strong, something powerful.

He was no mere man. He was one of the Maiar, perhaps the strongest of their kind, and the most destructive.

His web of lies knew no bounds, sprawling and twining until it was so thick you could barely glimpse the deep, dark fire behind it.

His name was not Halbrand, nor was he the rightful king of the Southlands. He was no friend to the elves and he did not love you the way you loved him, no matter how many times he proclaimed it. At least, you knew there was a slim chance of it.

When Galadriel had come to you with her concerns you had dismissed her. It wasn’t because you did not believe her but rather because you did not want to. You were conflicted, fighting an internal battle with yourself as you went over it again and again in your head.

The Southlands did not have an heir. Halbrand was not who he said he was. Galadriel had been wrong about him, you all had.

You knew where she had gone, knew she would have left you only to confront him herself.

By the time you arrived, it was already too late. She had a dagger to his throat and there was this look in his eyes… a darkness you had never seen in them before.

They fought but she stood no chance. She was not prepared to face him, not physically or mentally. His tricks and illusions — whatever he was showing her — it was too much. You saw a tear run down her cheek before she snapped out of the trance and lunged at him again, fury like dragons breath in her eyes.

In but a moment she was on the ground, knocked out cold from the harsh impact of her head against the rocky ground below.

Only then did he look at you and, as if their fight had not transpired at all, he returned to the façade he named Halbrand.

“Princess…” He held his hand out to you as he moved closer. You only moved back so he spoke again, “Please, y/n.”

“Y-you’re him… Sauron.”

His eyes grew icy once again, the darkness within him taking hold and, before you knew what was happening, it was as if all of time had become still.

You were not sure how long you were trapped inside your own mind, living through what he wanted you to see. The conversations you had once had together repeating themselves over and over again, changing slightly each time — moulding into a sick distortion of what you remembered.

Once you could no longer bear it anymore, you started to dream of things that had not yet happened. You dreamt of facing him on the battlefield, plunging your sword through him to save the people you loved.

You killed him over and over again until you could kill him no more.

All the while, he had been on the move, travelling across Middle Earth with your spelled body. You were trapped in a prison of his own making and, although such a thing would have been a feat for any other sorcerer, he kept you under without so much as breaking a sweat.

By the time your eyes finally opened again, you were far from your home.

It was not a cell but rather a home. One normal in all but its own nature. You recognised it, the building and furniture mimicking what you had seen in the Southlands.

Impossible, you thought for the Southlands were nothing but ash now. Yet, here you were and, when you looked through the window, there they were. The Southlands, greener than ever before with hills and fields and farms and life. So much life…

Then, the door opened and you caught a glimpse of the harsh reality behind him before he closed the door tight, as if to seal it from the darkness that resided outside.

“This is not real.”

He simply smiled, almost elegant in nature as he came further into the room. “It is as real as you and I.”

“You did this… All of it.”

His features remained soft as he spoke. “I did none of it. Galadriel is the one who found me and pulled me back to Middle Earth. I did not want this, I wished to be left alone.”

“In the Sundering Seas? Where were you going if you were not to return to Middle Earth?”

He sighed. All he wished for was to get through to you, for you to understand.

“I wanted forgiveness. I wanted to make amends for what I have done. I wanted to change.”

You scoffed, “To change? You will never change. You could have said no, you did not have to follow Galadriel. She put you exactly where you wanted to be. A king, a ruler, a deceiver.”

“I never meant to deceive you. I never meant to deceive anyone. You must believe me, I truly wanted to help.”

More than anything, you wanted to believe him, but you already knew what path he had chosen.

“And now?”

“I do not believe Galadriel and I crossed paths by coincidence. Fate put us both on that boat and fate brought me back to Middle Earth. It is my destiny to rule, to unite the lands.”

Lies, more lies. Although, you were unsure who he was lying to. You, or himself.

You stepped closer to him, hostile in stance. “Unite the lands? You wish to destroy and concur. How many more must die before you are satisfied? How much more blood will you spill to sit on your decrepit throne?”

Only then did his demeanour change once again as darkness consumed him. He raised his voice, all manor of elegance crushed under the wrath in his eyes. “You will see. You will understand and you will join me!”

“I will never join you,” you spat through gritted teeth.

His breathing began to calm but his anger remained. He turned from you and spoke again only after he had reached out for the door.

“In time, you will.”

He did not once turn back to face you, not even as you ran after him but, before you could reach him, the door was shut tight once again. You pushed and pulled and threw yourself into the splintering wood but it would not budge.

His magic was strong. Strong enough to keep you locked away until the day you joined him. Strong enough to rebuild this home and turn it into a well-crafted prison. Strong enough to destroy Middle Earth, in time.

In time, it would all come to an end whether you chose his side or not. Still, you would not break. You would not cave despite the love you still felt in your heart for him for the man you had loved was not real, Halbrand was not real. Not anymore. Only Sauron remained.

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