#hais

listen. i have been trying to explain this to people for years. and even as a child. when my parents would tell me to like ‘thank people’ for like gifts or something. my brain would be like. ‘but why? i don’t like it.’ never understood the concept of not hurting someone else’s feeling until much later. and every single time i was invited to hang out with people or to go to a party. i would say ‘i don’t know those people, i can’t talk to them’ and everyone would say ‘but just try and get to know them’ and i could never explain that i just can’t. i don’t wanna go up to them say “omgg hiii long time no see!! last i saw you was xxxx”. like i know mannerisms. i’ve spent years copying them trying to look and act neurotypical. but like i cannot fake insincerity. and that’s why i ended up being ‘that one friend of those people who’s mean and rude’. and whenever people would do this, i would look at them like i was half amused and half just shocked/confused. because here i was standing next to some of my closest friends and suddenly they’re best friends with someone else. in a matter of seconds. and it used to give me such a whiplash. like how did that happen. how can you do that?? i can’t. it’s one of the reasons why i can’t form friendships that easily. because people go from insincerity to friends. they’ll be all ‘yeah yeah omg let’s make plans to hang out or party’ and then spend time and get closer. and for me. i literally cannot do that. i have to actually be interested in you as a person to be your friend. i can’t pretend to be your friend and then be friends with you. what kind of fucked up NT logic is that. but i’d always be the one standing in the corner or helping people with food or setting up the music. i can lie just as well as the next person, maybe even better. but i can’t be fake. i just. it’s so hard. how can you just switch characters like that. but nOoOOo. i’m the one who was a bitch. like actually i was hyperaware of all the fakeness that i was surrounded by. i can’t do insincerity just like i can’t do small talk. small talk is fucking weird man. with people my age it’s usually. ‘omg so what are you studying and where are you studying” and majority of the people i used to hang with would say they were studying business *insert eye roll*. and then you couldn’t stop me from telling them how their so-called business men idols could choke and die for all i care. and then from there i would go on about how systems are fucked up and minorities suffer from that and literally not a single person could keep up with me. because they would be like ‘whatever, ananya’ and just change the topic. and then after that they didn’t like me and i was mean and blunt and whatnot. so i mean. who’s really the mean person here.