#grumpy godot

Dear @godbender​,

I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes!

Love, Stella

[x] Alastor Moody x Alice Longbottom (you’re a sadist and an addict, Sarah; I’m assuming this is the “canon” version)

Who’s more dominant: Alastor, but only just.

Who’s the cuddler: Alice.

Who’s the big spoon/little spoon: Alice is the big spoon/jet pack.

What’s their favorite non-sexual activity: Arguing over work/cases, reading books in the same room, drinking each other under the table.

Who uses all the hot water: Alice for sure.

Most trivial thing they fight over: Moody’s fondness of hiding the top-shelf liquor literally on the top shelf.

Who does most of the cleaning: Alice, but it’s better than it used to be. Things are clean, not hospital-clean. 

What has a season pass on their dvr/Who controls the netflix queue: “What is a netflix?” Alice is absolutely more technologically inclined than Alastor. 

Who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working: They own their own place. Alastor would definitely be more likely to stop-gap solution it away. Alice will get it fixed.

Who leaves their stuff around: Alice, actually. Moody learned the hard way when tiny hands started making grabs for things that grab back.

Who remembers to buy the milk: They’re both still terrible at remembering to eat.

Who remembers anniversaries: Moody? Dates? Pfffft. He’s gotten better since Kia started sending Howlers three days before any major event. 

Who cooks normally: Neither. Moody is actually a better cook than Alice, and that’s saying something. 

How often do they fight: They bicker constantly but that’s just part of their relationship. They have blow-out fights sporadically but things rarely stay bleak for any long period of time. He’s got a great kicked-puppy face and she’s a pro at apologizing just enough to make him feel guilty. When she cries it’s game over. Fighting is foreplay.

What do they do when they’re away from each other: She keeps herself busy, he pines/sulks/bickers with everyone around him/is generally a four year old. 

Nicknames for each other: Sir/brat. 

Who is more likely to pay for dinner: Alastor.

Who steals the covers at night: Alice, constantly, incessantly, forever. 

What would they get each other for gifts: Anything that bites or shoots poison or scuttles about when no one is looking. Anything with sixteen locks and a stinging hex worked into it. Anything that causes blindness or sores or pox. They especially like stealing various dark artifacts to add to his ever-growing collection. 

Who kissed who first: Alastor.

Who made the first move: Shit— Alice? Probably? Does flirting count as a move? She generally makes the first move.

Who remembers things: They both do. 

Who started the relationship: It was kind of a mutual happenstance. 

Who cusses more: I don’t even think I can answer this. I have no idea. They both belong on a pirate ship. 

What would they do if the other one was hurt: Raise hell and maim anyone who stood in the way. 

Who is the dirty talker: ALICE. 

godot: we can discuss your rack if you'd like

stella: is this going to devolve into "how many euphemisms can godot think up" again

godot: do you not want to talk about your mammaries

godot: your chest pillows

godot: your baby feeders

godot: your human udders

godot: your pleasure mounds

godot: your convenient shelf