Or I'll hear a car door outside and think 'oh Mom's here'. Or I'll run into someone who wears the same sweet pea perfume, or hear a song she liked on the radio, or hear an update about a TV show she liked and be like 'oh I need to tell her' and I have no idea if that feeling ever goes away. Or the doctor asks me for an emergency contact and I almost give them Mom's number on instinct before I remember that someone else owns that number now, it's not hers anymore. (I found that out the hard way one night)

I keep trying to go through my mom's clothes, because. I don't have room to use the closet because her stuff is still in there. And I'd like to use the closet for my own stuff. I've put stuff in space-saver bags, but it's still there, like. Haunting me.

But it feels bad to do it. Feels like I'm replacing her with myself, if that makes sense. Or throwing part of her away. The clothes still smell like her, they're stuff she wore every day. Idk why the clothes more than anything are the like. things I associate with her. They smell like her perfume (the sweet pea scent from bath and body works LOL, it was her favorite).

I know she'd want me to do it, but I also. can't stop thinking that she'd be a little sad, and it's killing me. Like. I'll pull out a shirt and be like 'oh man she wore this all the time' or 'i remember she liked the color of this one' or 'this was the one she wore on days she needed to dress up at work'.

"I remember when she bought this" or "oh I helped her pick this one out" or "this one was a gift from so-and-so'.

I was planning to donate some of it, but I also worry it's just going to end up in a landfill, and that makes me sad, too. I do want to keep a few things that I might wear, or... honestly keep a few that were her very favorites. But I know I can't keep everything, and even just seeing some of it is enough to make me lose it. And I feel like I'm going to explode but I don't know where to go with these feelings sometimes. Like... seeing everyone around me w their parents makes me so jealous. The other day I passed a family in the park that was a grandma, mom, and itty bitty baby, and it just took everything out of me because I know I'll never have that. I've always wanted to have a kid, and to be able to share that with my mom. And now I can't. And it sucks.

I don't really expect anyone to read these or say or do anything, I think I just kinda need to get some stuff out there in order to start moving forward. I haven't had anywhere to talk about this stuff (I'm in therapy, dw LOL) but. i've toyed w the idea of doing a grief-centered blog or something. I want to be able to talk to other people who get it, I think. It's been a weird, complicated, lonely process since I don't have any family left, I've been living alone, I started the grieving process during the fucking pandemic.

Idk. I miss my mom (+ my dad sometimes ig /j /j), and sometimes I don't know how to express how big that feels in a way that other people can understand. And I wish I could, and it frustrates me that I can't. Idk if any of that makes sense. I want to do some kind of art about it, or writing, or SOMETHING but i'm worried people are tired of hearing about it, or that I'll just look like I'm asking for attention. And while i guess i do want people to see it, mostly i just want to find a way to express this feeling that gets it out of my head, and I've not been able to find that outlet yet.