#greybae

She's great, btw, and asked me what it is that I would like to gain from therapy and damn that's one of the nicest things someone's done for me, just being considerate. I really have to think about it though, cause I'm not entirely sure myself. I'm writing for posterity to remind us to do that when we're properly sober and thinking correctly and/or just to refresh on any ideas that pop up rn.

I'm gonna say there are a few things that I'd like to really chew on and process. One of them is to work on my resentment. I love Toby but he represses all of us massively for fear of getting any of us or any of his outer fam emotionally hurt. I honestly hate being squashed back into headspace all the time. It isn't like cramped or anything and there are plenty of people in here sure, but I want to actually build outer community and friends and be SOCIAL. We're a little more co-con atm than when it's usually just me here, plus we're high which is a huge fucking relief, so I'm not as pissed off as I've been usually as of late, but it Durant erase how I feel with we're sober and I'm being pushed away from front. BUT, we've been consecutively working on it for a couple years now and doing half decent, we just really do need to call in backup to help figure this shit out. Those couple of years HAVE shown major improvements, it's just the world as it is atm is terrifying for a lot of us, but mostly of all for Toby, who is almost ALWAYS host having to face the horrors of living on this bitch of an earth. And I want that to be the reminder to myself not to be harsh on him specifically cause he's our emotions guy and that's an extremely important piece to our actual collective existence. Like we all have separate emotions of our own obviously, but his JOB is to house that shit so everyone can be able to fucking survive this stupid ass soul sucking fuck shit somehow.

Toby wants this friendship to work out so fucking much with this guy Liam, right? So DESPITE the fact that the man is also a severely avoidant shit talker who PROBABLY has issues with Toby he won't say to his face, Toby wants to be friends regardless cause the guy made him feel nice and he's close friends with Nina and is actually really good to her. I get the latter point, we all have strong protective feelings about Nina here. But what the fuck tbh, what the actual fuck? I gotta explain something first about Toby which I feel like is glaringly obvious to everyone EXCEPT this guy: Toby likes to show interest in what other people like and what other people introduce him to in order to form better bonds. That's like basic human connection, right?

TELL ME WHY, when Toby decides to show of that he found a Papagen avatar in VRC, this asshole goes and says something along the lines of it's not really his vibe and it's like a bottom trying to be a top. This man has chosen a papagen avatar as his latest of a string of personas which no hate cause Toby has roughly like 7 or 8 personas himself, but has a papagen and then Toby being the little boy stuck in a grown body that he can be sometimes wants to show off that he's paying the fuck attention and look he found one too that is his aesthetic and it's cute right? And this bitch ass bitch decides to say it doesn't suit him.

BITCH I'M GOING TO ACTIVELY FIGHT YOU. You sit around being shitty about other ppl all day in your dumbass British way and can't even confront people who get on your damn nerves and talk shit about them out of earshot and then to YOUR SUPPOSED FRIEND tell him that the avatar he chose specifically cause YOU introduced it to him isn't fitting for him like he's a bottom trying to be a top.

Did you FUCKING LISTEN to that sentence before you let is spill out your fucking dumbass face hole? He was excited as shit to show you something you two can share appreciation for and you told him "don't" WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR GODDAMN PROBLEM.

And I get I'm reactionary, I get it I'm so opposite of anything Toby would ever say or do cause I'm the one who gets shit done while he's busy having the 700th mental breakdown of the week after a lifetime of masking and fawning and placating Literally Everyone in his LIFE and you are just so careless in your responses you don't even fucking THINK. You don't KNOW HIM. You don't seem to CARE to know him! Great you're a good person to his sister and we all appreciate that awesome but fuck you and your stupid need to be judgmental of literally everything and everyone around you. Where the fuck is the self awareness? You complain and complain about E V E R Y O N E it's so fucking annoying. Everyone has a right to complain about whatever they want and sometimes it's even cathartic to commiserate but holy fucking SHIT SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO SAY sometimes! I don't know why we unblocked you. I don't know why HE unblocked you. I should make my own quest account so I can go there without your goddamn bullshit.

But that would probably guarantee that I personally never have access to a sibling relationship with Nina. And what the fuck is the point of being so pissed off and wanting an actual life if the sister that I ALSO GREW UP WITH since the body was like TWELVE never acknowledges that I'm her brother too. I'm her FUCKING BROTHER TOO

Nina and Michael will never understand. That's what Toby fears, that somehow HE'D be rejected if the rest of us have too much time fronting. What about us? What about ME motherfucker? I'm a fucking person too I want to FUCKING LIVE. I want to talk to them I want to actually FORM LASTING RELATIONSHIPS. Go FUCK yourself! Goddamn I'm not supposed to be ur crier. Toby cries all the time and I've never been afforded the fucking luxury. I'm just pissed off always and no one else ever steps in to fucking HELP ME. Toby isn't the only one in here and he isn't the only one who needs help and community, I DO TOO! Fucking HELP ME.

And fuck that guy Liam too I hate his ass for the stupid shit he does to our emotions. I thought he was cool and the fact that Toby so DESPERATELY wants to hold onto this friendship NOT EVEN for his own sake is fucking INSANE to me. It's fucking wild how he'll let people walk all over him and for what? For a nice heatpat or whatever the fuck? For validation? For a brief feel good something or other that will NOT last. I'm fuming I'm so mad. I'm so pissed off cause as soon as he logged off, the MOMENT he logged off he went right to crying. He was upset cause when Nina left for the night, Liam ended up not even paying attention. He was off doing other shit not even participating in the fucking conversation with other patrons not being like actively a PART of the rest of the night! What's the point then? Why was Toby trying so desperately to keep him involved in the goddamn conversation if he was just gonna fuck off anyway. He gave him an out when Nina left saying oh it's real late where you are you should go too but no he wanted to stay and then didn't even PARTICIPATE.

Noey kins Usagi Tsukino

Greyson kins both Knuckle Bine and Mollymauk Tealeaf

Frelly kins my own OCs, Lock and Lenta

I, Toby, of course kin Link and Kirby lol

So I got us back on track for volunteering with Pride VR cause I know for a fact it would be great for ALL of us to have a space where we have a sense of fucking purpose, you know? PLUS, on a more selfish note, I want to be social with other people like us. Fuck the fear we're gonna LIVE goddamn it! As shit as it is in this bitch of an earth right now, we HAVE to take the little victories and opportunities to create fucking COMMUNITY. He wants to isolate and that's never done anything good for us. Like this isn't a judgement on him cause it's legit, like that shit is terrifying and I'm glad I'm not fronting At All Times to have to face it cause look what it's done to him? Toby is a fucking shell of his former self and still finds the strength to be kind and friendly. He just wants everyone to be fucking happy like damn. I woulda burned so many bridges by now! Yet still he persists, and by proxy so do we all.

The body is so fucking tired but still can't sleep yet and HOPEFULLY getting ahead of it with a gummy will fight the stupid ass insomnia that's got a PAINFUL chokehold on our nonexistent DICKS rn and we get to sleep BEFORE 3 am, fuck your very much. 4 at the latest, but creating goals and getting shit done is what I do. Tomorrow, maybe an actual shower, imagine that! If I'm still in front when we wake up i don't think I'll be too mad, but Toby is terrified of that shit so who knows. If I'm going to be around way more then I'll just make friends with everyone in the meantime, yeah? ;-)