im grayromantic but im not satisfied with it at all. i spend so much time wishing that i had a romantic partner to do things with. and i know I'm grayromantic because I've only had a crush once in my life and I don't have a celebrity crush. its the one thing i feel sure about in my life. the only part of me that I'm not constantly doubting. but i still feel so incredibly dissatisfied and hate being alone. I'm not sure if this is from a lack of strong friendships or what. i don't know. I'm just really annoyed at this point
(and im demisexual i think because i have thought about that kind of stuff, but I'm also sex repulsed? i don't know. i thought i was ace but then i thought back to my old crush, which was this guy who i was pretty good friends with. i thought about *that* stuff with him and it wasn't gross or uncomfortable.)
anyway, i used to have a squish on this one dude and daydreamed about doing romantic things with him, but the squish is long gone and now i feel so- again- dissatisfied. i close my eyes and try to imagine myself with someone but i immediately reject my friends because they're hot, sure, but they're my friends and that's weird imo. then i realize i don't have anyone that i see being in a relationship with, or even cuddling and holding hands with comfortably. again i don't have a celebrity crush so i cant really daydream about anyone. so i just listen to music which kind of gets rid of the stress but that's besides the point. the point is, I'm grayromantic for sure, but I'm so tired of waiting, and it hasn't even been that long. i want to find my effing soulmate and it's not helping that i keep on reading cute gay fics. im sorry its an addiction at this point 😭
and listening to wholesome one direction songs which makes me cry, i cry too much