#grablife

This afternoon into the evening has been such a dark fog for me. I know it's my PMDD really pulling out my emotions towards the situation I'm currently stuck in. I've been trying to shake it on and off. It was easier when my sister was here earlier, soaking in the time spent with her. Time I'll never get back, time I'll never regret. The reason I am where I am. My mind was distracted. But now I lay on my bed and just feel....I don't know. I don't know how I feel, but it's not pleasant. It's a definite sadness. A deep sadness. Continuously wondering why people can't treat life the way I do; Like you have to grip it with everything and hold tight to the people you realize should be in your life. But I know that's not fair of me to ask. I know most people haven't had experiences that have caused them to have these eye-opening, punch in the stomach, awful realizations. And I don't want them to. You don't ever get to go back to a "before" time. When things were innocently sweeter. When everybody didn't look like they'd leave you as soon as you told them all of your darkest moments and revealed your deepest vulnerabilities. Loving is so easy for me. And it makes me angry. Why do I have to be that way? Why do I have to feel so strongly? Have so many levels of awareness about needing to make sure you do whatever it takes to make things work with the right person. It's painful. Because most people can so easily go their entire lives without ever coming to the understanding that being with someone, no matter where they are in the world, no matter the challenges, is WORTH it, if it's real. That settling is weak and gives a lackluster life. You get one. One life. Why not gorge it with the passion from the person you crave because you're lazy??? I will never understand this. Ever. And it goes along with how I'll never understand running a puppy mill, horse racing, sex trafficking, and pineapple on pizza.