#goodbyeletter

I am writing this letter because I have a few things I want to say to you. These are the beautiful things I want to share before you left this earth.

Your presence would give me a sense of happiness that nobody else could give me. A euphoria like-feeling of my best friend next to me, in my space, sharing the same experience. Nothing else mattered. I never felt the urgency to look at the time, or worry about the next occurence.

The memories I replay in my head are unfathomable to my grief.

I would wait until you get off of work so we can go for a walk, smoke some green and laugh. I would greet you with a big hug while in your one hand was pure leaf iced tea. Lemon flavoured.

And then when we were 7 years old and our mom's were our lives, we would find a way to defy that setting and have a sleepover. We found eachother randomly having matching hamtaro pajamas. And we were so grateful to have eachother. Not understanding what gratitude was quite yet. To my surprise, waking up next to you was even funny too. You had moved around so much while sleeping and when i woke up, you were sleeping sideways on the bed.

Fast forward to your impact on me on present day.

Since we obviously had to have matching orange nike running shoes, it hurt me when you weren't there to wear them anymore. It hurt me when we never went to the gym together like we planned. We would never get to have Starbucks again. These are the little things, which made you smile, which remind me of you. Being reminded of your initial planning of getting sober and beginning a fit lifestyle is what motivates me some days to go to the gym. And even when my motivation fades, as it does, your encouraging words might be already replaying in my head.

It's not fair to your memory or to myself that I only think about the pain and suffering in this situation. You've made an incredible impact on my life and for that I am grateful. Here are the following things that I am grateful for for you.

You and me, together we lit up every room we were in. You showed me what it takes to be a friend. I'm thankful for all the blurry memories we shared together. One's that I hold private in my heart, because they are too personal to share on any platform. Having a friend that is as beautiful on the outside as on the inside is one of the things I hold especially meaningful to me. I am proud to have known you. But my heart aches as I will never get to see what you could've been, what you should've been. I am pleased to have shared your last few months with me, but I also feel guilty because of that.

But I was young and naive like you. One day, when I am not so naive, and when I burn this letter, you will still be in my thoughts. But in a way that will help me to move forward, to make new memories. I will learn to let people in, so they can enjoy the friendship I will be ready to give them. And I will accomplish great things one day, because I will have learned what hardship is. I would have conquered the greatest hardship of all time.

Dear Little Brother,

If you’re reading this letter then that means Katniss made it home instead of me. I just want you to know that’s ok. I mean, it kinda sucks for me, but that doesn't matter really at this point. What does matter is that her winning doesn’t have to suck for you. Not for long anyway. You can grieve for a year, and let me go. Be sad if you want, until the next reaping. And if you’re not chosen, then have to stop moping. Because if she’s alive and you’re not going into the Games, then you still have a chance to keep your promise to me. You still have a chance to be happy.

I mean it, Peeta. You deserve to be happy. I know you would never wish for me to die. But shit happens, and sometimes there’s nothing you can do. Just because you’re all sensitive and in touch with your emotions and crap doesn’t mean you can’t go after what you really want. And I know you want Everdeen. You have since before you could tie your shoelaces properly. That’s ok. You’ve always been the one to take after dad the most. But don’t follow in his footsteps. Don’t let your opportunity pass you by. And for the love of God, don’t fucking settle. Especially not to make mom happy. If you want to marry a wild Seam girl and have a dozen brown barefoot babies then just do it man. You deserve the life you want. You probably deserve it more than anyone.

BE HAPPY. I don’t care how you do it, or how long it takes, or even how much happiness you find. Just find a way to do it okay?

Love you and all that crap,

To the Perfect Guy i once loved, You were my ride or die, literally.

I loved you so deeply, with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my ego & my pride. I am blindly in love with you.

Thank you for making me realize that i can love someone this much.

Thank you for making me realize that i can choose someone i love over my pride & ego.

Thank you for making me realize that i can accept someone’s flaws unconditionally.

Thank you for making me realize i can do anything to make someone happy. Thank you for making me realize that i can fight this much for someone i love so dearly.

Thank you for showering me with all your love. Thank you for always making me feel cared for. Thank you for making me feel like i’m the most precious thing you’ve ever had. Thank you for always being so kind to me all the time. Thank you for always making me your number one priority even above yourself. Thank you for always believing in my potential. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for always trying to make me happy. Thank you for always giving me your 100% effort.

Thank you for all the beautiful memories.

Thank you for always thinking about my needs.

Thank you for always trying to make everything perfect for me.

And to the other side of you,

To the Narcissist I once loved,

You take control over all things in my life, but you meant no harm you said. You push me to the breaking point over & over again, and call me crazy for crying, shouting, screaming for being horrifically emotionally abused, but you meant no harm you said. You accuses me of emotions that you are intentionally provoking, but you meant no harm you said. You lowered my self esteem by always picking my flaws that i wasn’t even aware of in the first place, but you meant no harm you said. You act like you’re going to punch me and get offended that i am scared that you really are going to punch me one day, then you threatened me to break up because i’m scared for my well being, but you meant no harm you said. You asked me to do things for you because you are making my mistakes as leverage, but you meant no harm you said. You make endless demands and force me to obey everything you said, but you meant no harm you said. You call me filthy names and told me that’s the truth, but you meant no harm you said. You almost made me lose my sanity by always accusing me for something i repeatedly said i didn’t do, but you meant no harm you said. You made me stressed and depressed, i feel my body is going to burst, almost fainted, and cold shiver down my spine, but you meant no harm you said. You made me believe that the problem isn’t the emotional abuse itself, but instead my reactions to the abuse, but you meant no harm you said. You made me choose between you and my job, then threatened to break up with me if i keep my job, but you meant no harm you said. You force me to take oath in the name of our God for every little thing i do and did, but you meant no harm you said. You made me kneel and apologize to you for something so insignificant, but you meant no harm you said. You robbed me off my freedom of self, but you meant no harm you said. You made me believe that every problem in your life is because of me, but you meant no harm you said. You don’t allow me to expressed what made me upset and instead of apologizing you find a way to make me feel bad about it, but you meant no harm you said. You made me believe that no one will ever love me because i’m so unlovable and have a twisted mind, but you meant no harm you said. You frequently comment about what i’m wearing and how i look until i become obsessed with my appearance, but you meant no harm you said. You gave me the silent treatment so that i’ll be miserable waiting for you to give me attention, but you meant no harm you said. You made me risk my own welfare, but you meant no harm you said. You made me believe that it is abusive of me to object to you behaving abusively towards me, but you meant no harm you said. You brainwash me into believing that my life would be hell without you, but you meant no harm you said. You train me to put you on a pedestal and me at your feet, but you meant no harm you said.

But I am not the person I once was.

You destroyed me over and over again, but i keep building myself back up into someone you will never have the honor of getting to know.

"Damn, how to say this-- I like you--!"

The very exact words I uttered that day

I don't know if it was counted as a confession

More like a crappy pun, honestly

Never thought I'd do that

But, guess what--

I just did!

For you, and for my self-satisfaction

It's been a year--

A year of pretending to be your friend

When in fact, I'm not

And I apologize for that

Don't worry,

You can forget about it

Just how I'll forget this shitty feelings of mine for you

No big deal, really

I liked you

And it'll stay in the past