#godyssey

Grover, who is honestly weepier about this than Percy, advises him to drink something which looks like apple juice but tastes like “my mom's homemade blue chocolate-chip cookies, buttery and hot, with the chips still melting.” It makes him feel a lot better, though Grover implies that the stuff would kill him and possibly Percy if either of them drank too much. 

Grover then leads Percy to the back of the house, and we get our first real glimpse of Camp Half-Blood:

Between here and there, I simply couldn't process everything I was seeing. The landscape was dotted with buildings that looked like ancient Greek architecture—an open-air pavilion, an amphitheater, a circular arena—except that they all looked brand new, their white marble columns sparkling in the sun. In a nearby sandpit, a dozen high school-age kids and satyrs played volleyball. Canoes glided across a small lake. Kids in bright orange T-shirts like Grover's were chasing each other around a cluster of cabins nestled in the woods. Some shot targets at an archery range. Others rode horses down a wooded trail, and, unless I was hallucinating, some of their horses had wings.

At the end of the porch, Percy sees The Girl and a man who “looked like a cherub who'd turned middle-aged in a trailer park.” (I must admit, I do like that description.) They are apparently Annabeth and Mr. D.

Percy is surprised to also see Mr. Brunner, who it turns out is actually named “Chiron.”

“Scale? Never heard of it.” —Some ancient Greek artist

"Ah, good, Percy," he said. "Now we have four for pinochle."

He offered me a chair to the right of Mr. D, who looked at me with bloodshot eyes and heaved a great sigh. "Oh, I suppose I must say it. Welcome to Camp Half-Blood. There. Now, don't expect me to be glad to see you."

[...]

She glanced at the minotaur horn in my hands, then back at me. I imagined she was going to say, You killed a minotaur! or Wow, you're so awesome! or something like that. Instead she said, "You drool when you sleep." Then she sprinted off down the lawn, her blond hair flying behind her.

You know, Hogwarts has a much nicer welcoming ceremony. There’s a feast and everything. 

(Also, it should be “blonde,” with an “e.” Just saying.)

Mr. Brunner says that he’s glad that Percy didn’t get horribly killed, as that would have made his tenure at Yancy Academy “a waste of time.” (See, he clearly had no interest in the other students.) Apparently Grover was planted at the school to look out for future protagonists, and when Chiron heard about Percy he murdered the previous Latin teacher and took a job at the school in order to watch him. 

Percy finally cuts to the chase and asks what the heck is going on, and Chiron reveals that the Greek gods are real.

Oh, and Mr. D is one. Specifically Dionysus, god of wine, though he doesn’t like going by that because “names are powerful things” and I still don’t understand why we’re doing this bit. As far as I know, the ancient Greeks weren’t scared of using Dionysus’ name, and it apparently doesn’t hurt him or anything, so...? The point is, Zeus is mad at him, so now he has to spend the next century running a summer camp and getting no rum for his rum and Coke. 

So, let’s talk about Dionysus for a minute. 

“No, I’ve never actually seen a leopard. Why?” —Some ancient Greek artist

He’s actually a pretty complex character. If you don’t want to watch this very interesting 17-minute video, we can summarize by saying that he originally seems to have been a scary god of madness, but over time he developed into a younger, friendlier god with some scary stories still attached to him. The thing is, Mr. D doesn’t fit either of those portrayals very well. I think Riordan was going for the creepy original version (there’s a whole paragraph describing some of his scary stories), but he comes off more grumpy than terrifying. I guess the lack of booze is making him irritable. 

He fits the role of grouchy camp counselor pretty well, though I’m not sure why he hates Percy so much in particular. Unless Riordan just needed a Snape for his Harry Potter bingo card.

"If you were a god, how would you like being called a myth, an old story to explain lightning? What if I told you, Perseus Jackson, that someday people would call you a myth, just created to explain how little boys can get over losing their mothers?"

No, Chiron, he was created to encourage little boys with learning disabilities. Get your facts straight. 

First off: kudos on Percy’s first name, I like that detail. Secondly, I have to question: why don’t people believe in the Greek gods anymore? Mr. D says that Percy will be incinerated if he refuses to, but by that logic, why isn’t Zeus hurling lightning at people until they burn up some BBQ for him? How’d y’all let Christianity take over your cosmic empire?

"Well, now," Chiron said. "God—capital G, God. That's a different matter altogether. We shan't deal with the metaphysical."

Hmm. 

He kicked your ass, didn’t He?

Nah. He sent His kid to do it. 

The adults are still being vague, expecting Sally to have explained things a bit more. Eventually Mr. D leaves with Grover, saying that they need to discuss “[his] less-than-perfect performance on this assignment." Percy asks Chiron a few more questions, and learns that the “Greek” gods have apparently moved Mount Olympus to America.

“What you call 'Western civilization.' Do you think it's just an abstract concept? No, it's a living force. A collective consciousness that has burned bright for thousands of years. The gods are part of it. You might even say they are the source of it, or at least, they are tied so tightly to it that they couldn't possibly fade, not unless all of Western civilization were obliterated. [...] America is now the heart of the flame. It is the great power of the West. And so Olympus is here. And we are here."

*rubs temple* Do I want to try and unpack this? ‘Cause there’s so much to go over. 

Like: what counts as "Western civilization," at a time when globalization is spreading it to non-Western countries? Or conversely, when the West takes on non-Western traits? Are the gods only tied to Greek influences, or influences from the new countries that they come to? If they’re the embodiments of Western civilization, what does it mean that said civilization has been primarily defined by Christianity for so long, and follow up, does that mean Christianity dying in Western countries, ironically, hurts them? 

Don’t get me wrong, having characters as the personifications of cultural traits is an interesting concept. I just don’t think that Riordan plans to go into that as much as he should.

And heck, I can imagine them moving without making it all philosophical. Look at Greece’s economy. The Olympians wouldn’t be the only ones emigrating.

So Percy is kind of freaked out about being included in this “physical embodiment of Western civilization” thing, and finally asks “Who...who am I?" Chiron admits that he doesn’t know, but that in the meantime, he'll help him get settled into camp and also reveal that he’s a centaur.

I mean, the next chapter confirms that Percy knows the myths about Chiron, so he shouldn’t really be surprised.

I wanted to sample an epic but ultimately kinda meaningless monologue for a song, and Rob Liefeld’s meaningless dribble from his comic Godyssey was perfect. Couple that with Linkara’s melodramatic and sarcastic voiceover from his own review, and the sample was almost perfect.

I cut out the wrestler, pitched Linkara down and added a few extra layers, including a vocoded version of the same monologue (think Bill Cipher). I enveloped some of the audio to become louder when certain words came up, and then I drenched everything in reverb and made it boom in both ears.