#godnight

this is actually so unserious i can't i feel like shit and i cannot take it seriously ong

i genuinely feel like vomiting even though it isnt that bad and i have never had a justified shitty feeling in my life but i still somehow always feel like shit.

today should be great, actually. two new episodes of separate franchises i LOVE came out today, and i got the new heartstopper book, i finally got my hands on the crk braverse cards, and i went to the mall and Michaels. everything should be great!!!!!! literally the only thing that went wrong in my day is so stupid and i genuinely cant believe it lead up to this

me and my friends are in a summer camp together, which yay!!! and i really wanted to go to my friend's house with them today, but my mom said no because she thought my friend's mom wouldn't have wanted me to go. That isn't a big deal!!!!!!!!!!!! and she apologized!!!!!!!!!!! and let me go shopping for comicon!!!!!!!!! literally i should be doing just fine!!!!!!!!!! and yet i feel like shit!!!!!!!!!

after all of this, i was calling my friends whos house i wanted to go to, and, get this, im mad because she hung the phone up kinda abruptly. BECAUSE SHE HUNG UP THE PHONE. and its whatever, but im somehow convinced she hates me or smth after that.

AND THEN!!!!!!! i text her after and ask if they're playing minecraft. she says yes. i say ill get on soon. she says they're playing on a server im not on. and now im convinced she extra double hates me or something.

HWY AM I NAUSEAS OVER THIS. OUT OF ANYTHING I COULD GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHY IS IT THIS?????? I HAVE FELT LIKE SUCH SHIT FOR THE LAST WEEK, AND THIS IS THE THING THAT MAKES ME CARE???? I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH, IM SO STUPID, WHY DO I FEEL THIS BAD OVER A FUCKING MINECRAFT CALL IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF IM SUCH A PETTY SPOILED LITTLE BITCH AND I CANT DO ANYTHING FUCKING RIGHT GODDDDDDDDDDD

its so fucking stupid i swear it doesnt even matter i should even care but here i am sitting here with my stomach cramping like i just drank an entire bottle of spoiled milk and i feel so tired too as if im not the most privileged little bitch on earth who just gets to do nothing all day and not worry about a single bill or anything and just get to think about myself i swear im going to become the worst person ever someday omg this is why nobody likes being around me its because im fucking insufferable and nobody wants to be near me because i just make myself the victime when all i do is be terrible to everyone around me jesus

actually what am i sayig people are around me and its just because im making them like me by lying to them and someday thats going to crack and all my rotten mushy bones can be on display and they'll be stuffed into a sack and thrown into a lake because thats just what i deserve

i hope everyone around me never has to see or talk to me or be near me or breathe the air ive breathed ever again because i know im charring whatever im around because im a fucking forest fire that just takes and takes and takes and whenever i get the more i want its never enough and i just make everything even worse christ i should just be executed publicly for the jury to watch because i dont even deserve the prison sentance jesus

god i cant even vent right this started about my day and then i just made it all about myself because everything has to be about myself and i cant let anyone around me have anything because im selfish and terrible and cant do anything

i feel like theres so much more for me to say but whatever i dont even know i still feel sick and i know that im doing all of this for attention everthing i do is for attention i can never let anything be about people around me i cant even let two other people being around eachother be about them it always has to be me memememememe because i cant let anyhting come to those around me

i feel like im going crazy too because everyone tells me im so good and im so nice and helpful and smart and i know its just lies im telling them for attention because i need everyone to love me or i might just die but i know they dont love me and i think thats fine as long as i can keep them loving the version of me they like.

god im like a show dog who bites, im violent and terrible and i cant stand myself every time i look in the mirror ive never been a man im just a little girl who wants everyone to belive im big and strong when really all i've ever asked for was some form of validation even though ive never done anything to deserve it.

i hope whatever god is out there is getting a real good laugh. giving me everything i ever want and then dangling contentment right beyond them on the next rung of a ladder ive been climbing since i was 8.

i think something probably died in me at some point. theres something in there thats missing and that gets more and more obvious with each passing day because i think they know and they can tell that theres something wrong with me but they dont want to point out because they know im a biting mess that would try to use everything i am against them

everyone around me definitely knows actually. im not subtle. its really obvious that i dont know how im doing this and i dont want to do it even if i think i do and i know i have to because holy shit if it isn't nice to have someone love you even if you (and them) know its so so so fake.

jesus up to 1k