#go for

life wasn't exactly fair, to everyone but for isabelle for a few years, it seemed like it decided to punish her enough to drive her off the edge way too many times. and it was on the edge that she found out how to find enjoyment during the fall, the adrenaline rush, the time-stopping one-of-a-kind situation, the light striking over her head, and the heart-stopping, no need for resuscitation. all this was metaphorical, of course, all she ever did was write and sing a couple of songs about her broken heart but a musician gotta live its art; that something her father said to her quite often, and although now she realized he meant it as inspiration she did took those words quite literally to her heart. jae simply represented every single one of those things, time and time again she'd look at him and think "it's not fair, not fair to him, not fair to me". neither of them deserved to be used as recovery for one another, although she wanted it and she wanted it badly. especially when he'd say things like that, things that would sway her off her feet and always make isabelle react the same way — close her eyes adoringly and breath, sign, smile... nothing about them and what they were doing was fair. and it hurt how complicated it was and how fucked-up she felt whenever she thought about it. was that all she would ever be? broken? was that all that she was ever gonna do? take those words, twist it and make it about herself? to dwell on her pieces, laying on the floor while jae was brushing himself to catch them every time and she would always yell, warn saying "no, you'll hurt yourself". mostly he was saying this because he was drunk and over his head, the thought that he might be doing it to get into her pants wasn't something that exactly bothered her either... at least someone was trying to. but no, no one would say that so easily without meaning it and she somehow knew he did. therefore making the situation even more unfair, she wanted too badly to believe him. " i- thank you, jae. " there wasn't anything else that she could say, that she could express, not without compromising herself too much; not without possibly dangering him in the process. at this point, there wasn't anything about jae that she didn't appreciate, that she didn't look to and thought how much she wanted that, how much she felt that was right not only in him but for her too. can you do that? see a person and be selfish enough to say you want them? perhaps that was the reason they spent too much time together, the reason why this friendship was so constant and so important for her, she couldn't deny the growing intensity of things between them but she would, because she had to. " that's one of the nicest things someone has ever said to me and i can't believe you're the one who did it. " isabelle said that as a confess, the voice cracking and almost not making pass his ears but she could tell they did because there was a silence that longed in the air, not a bad one, nevertheless still a bit sad. " you're too good for me, i think. maybe even for anyone! " she quickly regained her cheerful polished posture, slapping the table with an effort to make sure she was serious about the compliment and grinning affectionately towards the boy. the truth was there, somewhere, she knew jae was far from perfect just like she wasn't the best either but within those cracks, they could be able to do so much, with so little, and just imagining what they would do with more was eventually what scared her to the bones.