#gmts

I’m...disappointed, yes, but I also don’t really know how to feel about it. It was something I really wanted, and it would have been amazing, but at least the other people at the assessment centre were really great people so I can’t exactly feel bitter. Plus, there were over 16,000 applications for around 100 places - I got into the final 300! and it wasn’t even a flat-out ‘no’! so that’s pretty cool, I guess. 

Obviously it’s left me in a bit of a bind as far as employment after graduation goes. In a way, it means I have to go completely back to the drawing board and try to figure out wtf I’m going to do with myself - and whilst there’s financial pressure to consider, it’s also...the first time I’ve ever had an open-ended sense of freedom. So in a weird way it’s a relief, too? Yes, I’ll need money, but there’s no deadline to be fretting about. After May 24th, I can do whatever the fuck I please, and that’s a really strange thought. I could travel! I mean I can’t because obligations & ties but it’s theoretically possible. I could teach myself coding! I could write a novel! I could learn a new language! I could spend all my days reading! I could train as a barista! I could live off my savings and volunteer full-time as a special! I could train guide dogs! 

In the meantime, I’ve pulled together a spreadsheet with a good dozen or so job opportunities to send applications in to. It always feels better to do something pro-active in response to a set-back, after all, even if I don’t actually apply for many - it’s the awkward time of year where it’s slightly too early to apply for jobs if I want to start some time between July and October, but I also don’t want to miss opportunities. 

My savings won’t get me very far, admittedly, but it’s better than nothing. I’m really bitterly disappointed about not getting a place on the grad scheme, as it feels like yet another failure to add to my list, and because I’ve frequently been wondering why the fuck I work so hard when it never seems to pay off for me, but it’s not as painful as, say, my Oxford rejection was. When one door closes, another door opens, and all that.