#gmariam19

The Falcon is fast approaching Ajan Kloss, and Finn could not be more nervous, more relieved, and more excited to be returning. They have been gone for almost six months, but it feels like far longer. Six months of traveling, of training, of missing the one planet he'd actually started to call home. Six long months of missing his friends—Rose and Kin and Jannah, even BB-8. But especially Poe.

It is Poe he wants to see more than anyone, that he needs to see. To touch, to hear, to simply be with. Finn knew when he left that he was going to miss Poe, but he hadn’t been prepared for how much. He hadn’t expected the lonely ache, barely relieved by their occasional holo-calls. And he hadn’t expected the rush of feelings every time they did talk, sometimes for hours in the middle of the night. It took him several months, but he’d finally come to realize and accept those feelings. He loves learning about the Force and has every intention of continuing his studies, but he loves Poe even more. Going away had shown Finn how much he wants to be with Poe, not traveling across the galaxy chasing Jedi lore.

Rey sets the Falcon down in a nearby clearing, and Rose is there to meet them, her smile wide as she hugs them all close. Finn is disappointed to learn that Poe is in a meeting with several new Senate representatives, but he understands. Poe has been leading the Resistance—what remains and has been repurposed—all on his own since Finn left. Which is also something Finn missed, being a part of something so much bigger than him. Right now, he and Rey are the only ones learning about the Force. Rey hopes to find others, but Finn wants to stay on Ajan Kloss, to strike his own path with the Force while returning to the Resistance.

Instead of waiting impatiently, Finn visits with Rose and several others in the new building that had gone up not long after he’d left. It’s a basic pre-fab, not nearly as much as they need, but better than the cave they had started in, and Finn is glad that Poe and the others finally have a real base of operations. He wonders what it will be like, to return now and stay; he’s been living off a ship with Rey for so long he hardly remembers what living planetside with other people feels like anymore. He’s looking forward to it.

After a quick tour, including the quarters that had been set aside for him, Finn heads back to the Falcon to get his things. He hears a shout behind him and turns to see Poe striding across the large clearing. They both speed up until they crash together in a warm embrace. Finn is struck hard by the memory of their first reunion, back on D’Qar after the firefight on Takodana. There is the same feeling of relief, only now he is relieved to be home. And it is wrapped with all the other feelings he has developed for Poe since the fateful day they met.

“Welcome back, buddy!” Poe murmurs into his neck, before stepping back and holding him at arm’s length. “Stars, it’s good to see you! You look…” He shakes his head, his eyes warm and full of wonder. “You look like a real Jedi.”

Finn rolls his eyes. “It’s only been a few months, Poe. I’m not ready yet.”

Poe runs a hand down the long robe Finn is wearing, smiles softly. “It’s been six months. And you could’ve fooled me. You look amazing.” Poe pulls him into another embrace. ”Kriff, I missed you. Almost didn’t think you’d come back.”

Finn feels his world shift. Poe missed him too. But Poe didn’t think he’d come back. Which makes Finn even more determined to stay. He pulls back and grins at Poe.

“Good thing I’m staying, then,” he says, and Poe’s eyes go wide.

Just like that, Finn can’t wait any longer, can’t hold back. He’d thought about what he would say, what he would do, when he saw Poe again, except he’s now forgotten it all. His nerves, his instincts, his heart—something takes over, and he wraps his hand around the back of Poe's head to pull him into a deep kiss. He closes his eyes and hopes he's not wrong about this, that he’s not making the biggest mistake of his life. They’ve been dancing around it since before he left, and he’s ready to finally move forward, together.

Poe kisses him back, really kisses him, and Finn feels his heart rejoice, that this is finally happening after wanting it for so long. It is perfect, the feel of Poe pressing against him and wrapping his arms around Finn's waist. This is what was missing from his life over the last six months, the love he feels and pours into his kiss, so that Poe feels it too, and knows that Finn has come back to stay.

There are scattered whoops and cheers from around the clearing, which would be embarrassing if Finn cared about anything but their kiss at that moment. But too soon Poe breaks away, slowly and reluctantly, eyes wide as surprise and confusion vibrates through the Force; something is wrong.

"Poe?" he asks as Poe takes another step backward, his face confused as he touches his lips. "What's wrong? Did I…because I thought…or I hoped…" He can't even frame the words, the sudden fear in his chest threatening to choke him.

"Finn," Poe says, shaking his head. He glances around, notices more than a few people are still watching with big grins and even another smattering of applause. He grabs Finn’s hand and pulls him behind the Falcon. Finn watches warily, a sick feeling settling in the pit of his stomach as Poe starts pacing, then stops and stares at him. "What’s going on? What was that?”

"What was that?" Finn repeats. "It was me, finally telling you how I feel. I’ve known for months, and I couldn’t wait to tell you any longer."

"You've been gone for six months!" Poe exclaims. "I didn't think you felt that way before you left. And you were gone so long, I didn't think it would ever happen now that…" He trails off, his face falling.

"Now that what?" Finn asks. "Now that I'm back? Poe, I missed you so much. I couldn't stop thinking about it.” He swallows his fear. “About this—about us.”

Poe still looks uncertain, almost gutted, which both confuses Finn and is starting to make him scared and even angry. Does Poe not feel the same? Was Finn—and Rey and Rose and every other person who has asked about him and Poe over the last year, teased him and encouraged him—were they all wrong? Has he ruined everything, particularly their friendship? Because it would break his heart all over again if he did.

"What about Rey?" Poe asks. "What about the Force?"

Finn throws his hands up in the air, frustrated. Why is either one an issue? He's tired of Rey coming between them, had thought Poe was over his misunderstanding and supported Finn training wholeheartedly. Could he have been wrong?

"Dammit, Poe, why do you always bring her into this? It's not an issue. I told you there's nothing between us. There never has been, there never will be, and I wish you would—"

"No, your training," Poe interrupts. "Finn, you're going to be a Jedi—a strong, amazing Jedi! This—" he gestures between them "—is nothing compared to that."

"What?" Finn exclaims. "Are you serious? You're telling me after that kiss, that this is nothing? That you didn't feel anything? That after all we've been through, I was wrong to think you did?"

"Of course not!" Poe pulls at his hair, turning in a frustrated circle. "Finn, I—" He steps forward, takes Finn’s face between his hands kisses him again, and Finn knows that yes, Poe feels the same way he does. But he can also sense uncertainty. Sadness and fear. What he doesn't understand is why. Poe stops the kiss, rests his forehead against Finn's, and he can see the brightness in the other man's eyes.

"Finn, I have loved you for so long," Poe tells him, his voice cracking before he takes a breath. "But I gave up hope months ago, when you left to train. I didn't think you felt the same, and now…” He sighs, but Finn doesn’t understand.

"Now what?" Finn asks. "I feel the same way! So what’s wrong? Are you…are you with someone? Someone else?” Finn steps back, suddenly cold. The thought hadn’t even occurred to him before that moment. He’d simply assumed Poe would always be there, that they would have their chance to be together someday. But maybe Poe has moved on.

Poe smiles sadly. “As if I could ever forget about you. Of course there’s no one else. But you…Finn, you’re almost a Jedi. Everything is different now.”

Finn still doesn’t understand, tries to imagine what might be different. He’d once been worried that his Force sensitivity would come between them, though Poe had seemed to accept it at the time. Maybe that’s what changed. “You're not afraid of me now, are you? I'm still me, I can just…you know, float a few rocks." He doesn’t mention the lightsaber he is working on, or how hard it’s been to meditate with his crystal because all he can think about is Poe.

"I could never be scared of you," Poe tells him, his voice strong and sure. "But Jedi don’t…Finn, does Rey know you're here? With me?"

"Of course she does," Finn says, irritated again. "And leave her out of this. This is between me and you." "Are you leaving your training, then?" Poe asks, shaking his head and looking upset. "Because you can't do that, you are supposed to be a Jedi! You can't stop because of me."

"I wasn't planning on stopping," Finn insists, still confused. "Poe, what's going on? I don't understand."

"Finn, Jedi…the old Jedi weren't supposed to have relationships," he says. "To get married, to have a family. It was part of their training, the old Jedi code." He frowns, because Finn is shocked, and it must show on his face. "I thought you knew that. Don't you know that?"

"I didn't," Finn whispers. "But why? I don't understand. How could anyone forbid something like love?" "I don’t know," Poe says. "Maybe it’s too distracting, or they felt it would complicate things. They took an oath."

Finn stares at him. "How do you know that? How do I not know that?"

"My grandfather used to tell me stories," Poe tells him. Finn can tell from the look on Poe’s face that the memories are strong, important to Poe. "And they were amazing stories, Finn. The Jedi…they were so strong, and compassionate, and wise, and they protected the galaxy for centuries. You have a chance to be a part of that, to bring the Jedi back!”

“But Leia…Leia was a Jedi, she trained Rey!” Finn protests. “And she was married, she…” He trails off as Poe shakes his head.

“Leia never completed her training,” he tells Finn. “She said her path was different than her brother’s.”

"I can't believe Rey didn't say anything," Finn whispers, his heart breaking within him. "All this time, she must have known."

Poe steps closer, takes his hand. "I'm sorry," he says, his voice cracking. "Maybe she doesn’t know. But I can’t take this away from you. Finn, you are all I've ever wanted, but the galaxy needs the Jedi far more."

Finn pulls him forward and kisses him again, and Poe returns the kiss until Finn stops this time. "And you are all I want. But this isn't over, Poe. I'm not giving this up."

"I won't make you choose," Poe protests.

"You won't have to," Finn tells him. One more kiss, then he turns away. "Because I made my choice a long time ago."

The meeting ends, and everyone slowly files out of the new command center. Except Finn. Finn, who had missed the holo-call with the representative from Akiva. Finn, who looks both apologetic and apprehensive. Finn, who Poe misses so much but can’t bear to look at right now, because he is so close to the tipping point. He begins gathering his things, waiting for Finn to speak first, half hoping he doesn’t.

“Look, Poe, I’m sorry,” Finn starts. He’s said that a lot lately. He’s been working hard, Poe knows that. They all have. Finn is learning about the Force, he’s helping Jannah’s company settle former troopers still surrendering across the galaxy, and he’s trying to be the co-general he said he would be. Only he’s gone more than he’s not, and Poe is usually a general on his own. He misses those first heady days and weeks when they really did lead together, make decisions together. Celebrate every small victory together. He sighs, his earlier anger dissipating into the smothering disappointment he feels most of the time now.

“It’s fine.” Poe turns away, sensing that Finn wants to say more, but Poe would rather avoid the confrontation that’s been brewing for weeks. “But I’m tired, so I’m going to turn in. Big meeting coming up.” He didn’t want to go to Akiva to help set up a peacekeeping force, but perhaps it would be good to get away, and at least he could see Wedge and Nora.

“Wait,” Finn says, and Poe can hear the other man’s frustration, which only adds to his own. Finn is standing in the middle of the room, his shoulders tense, his eyes uncertain. “I want to talk. We need to talk.”

“We?” Poe echoes, turning around with an air of exasperation. He’s been having an even harder time than usual controlling his quick-trigger responses, at least when it comes to this. To Finn. “What do we need to talk about?”

“We need to talk about this trip to Akiva, for one,” Finn replies. “But mostly about us. Why this is happening.” He motions between them. “Why we barely talk, why you’re always so mad at me, why—”

“The trip was already discussed at the meeting you missed. And we don’t talk because you’re not around.” Poe is blunt. Maybe it’s not the whole truth, but it’s the biggest part of it. Finn is simply not there anymore. “That’s why. And I’m not mad, Finn. I’m tired. Literally and figuratively, in every sense of the word.” He’s more disappointed than angry, because this wasn’t how it was supposed to be, after the war.

Finn narrows his eyes, shakes his head. “Look, I’m know I’ve been busy, but you have too—”

“I’ve been doing my job,” Poe snaps. “The one I inherited three months ago when Leia died. The one I thought you were going to be a part of, that we were going to do together.” He wasn’t going to go there, but now that he has, maybe it will help him with the deep resentment that has been building for weeks as they drift farther and farther apart. Maybe he should have said something a long time ago.

“I am!” Finn exclaims. “I am a part of it.”

“Doesn’t feel like it. You’ve spent the last three months doing more Jedi training, more trooper support, than—you know, It’s fine.” Poe waves it away. He suddenly doesn’t want to get into it anymore, it’s too much. Easier to bottle it up, like he has been. “We’ve managed, so let’s just forget about it. I’ve got to get ready for Akiva.” The unspoken alone hangs in the air between them.

The look on Finn’s face is confusion crossed with hurt, which doesn’t do anything to lessen Poe’s frustration. What doesn’t the other man understand? Poe has been handling almost everything on his own while Finn trains and travels and occasionally checks in. Finn missed the entire meeting on the upcoming peacekeeping mission to Akiva, when Poe had expected him to be there. Of course Poe is upset. Then Finn opens his mouth and throws guilt into Poe’s mix of complicated and overwhelming emotions.

“You said you were happy for me,” he says quietly. “That you understood—why I wanted to learn about the Force, why I wanted to work with Jannah. You said you were proud.”

“I was,” Poe says, and Finn’s face falls. Misstep, and Poe feels bad, he does. No matter what he may be going through, Poe doesn’t want to lash out and hurt Finn. “I am—although sometimes it’s hard. Finn, I do understand, but understanding doesn’t make it any easier when half the galaxy is still putting out the fires of the First Order and the other half is riding my ass about what happens next! I’m tired!”

“You keep saying that,” Finn points out. “But I think you mean something else.”

“No, I mean it,” Poe replies, and he runs a hand across his eyes, through his hair. He is bone-deep tired, but Finn is also right. There are so many other things he means every time he says it that sometimes he’s not sure which one he’s referring too. So he sticks with the literal. “And Kalonia’s got the numbers to prove it.”

“What?” Finn asks sharply, with clear alarm, eyes piercing Poe’s face. “What do you mean, the numbers?”

“The number of times she’s been on me to eat more, drink more, take better care of myself.” Poe shrugs. “The number of times she’s told me to take a break, or had to—” He stops, not wanting to share everything, not anymore. It hurts, because there was a time when he would have told Finn how he couldn’t sleep, didn’t feel like eating, was tired and angry all the time. Kalonia hadn’t said it, but Poe knew part of it was the let-down from the fighting, his mind and body finally catching up to all that had happened over the last year. The rest is the reality of the present. He holds up a hand when Finn starts to speak. “I told you, I really am tired. And now I have this thing on Akiva. But more than that, I’m tired…of this.” He motions between them, around them.

“What the hell does that mean?” Finn demands. “You’re tired of me? Of us? Of what? I’m not trying to stick you with everything, Poe. I can go to Akiva with you. I’m trying to—”

“You’re trying to do everything you can, for the Resistance,” Poe replies bitterly. “I get it. I’ve done the exact same thing.” He leaves out the part about Leia calling him out on it; it seems he’s doomed to follow in her footsteps in more ways than one.

“But it’s not enough, that’s it? I bust my ass out there, run training courses in the dark, hitting six planets a week to help these troopers, and just because I wasn’t here for a holo-call, you’re pissed?”

“Kriff, Finn—it’s more than missing the damn holo-call!” Poe can’t help raising his voice.

“Then explain it to me!” Finn shouts at him. “Fine!” Poe yells right back, taking a step forward, his hands bunched into fists at his side. “I’m tired of this,” he starts, gesturing around him. “I’m tired of doing this all by myself when I thought you would be by my side so we could do it together. I’m tired of senators, of First Order remnants, of the Hutts, of the lack of funds and the lack of planning and the lack of progress.” He’s shouting now, pouring his anger into it. “I’m tired of feeling like I’m never good enough, like nothing I do matters because no one ever says it does, and hell if I can tell whether or not defeating the First Order made a damn bit of difference when the galaxy is still a kriffing mess!”

“You don’t mean that—” Finn starts, and Poe cuts him off again.

“I didn’t think it would be like this, Finn.” He shakes his head and lowers his voice. “And I’m tired of us—what we’ve become. Of never seeing you, of never knowing if you’ll be there or not. I’m tired of waiting, and watching, and wanting. I’m tired of being alone.”

“Hey,” says a voice behind them, slightly breathless. They both turn around with a guilty start to find Finn walking into the clearing. Poe exchanges a look with Rey, who cocks her head and gets that faraway look on her face that means she’s using the Force. This time Finn rolls his eyes.

“Stay out of my head,” he grumbles, and Poe nods in agreement.

“I told her the same thing,” he says, and Rey gives him an annoyed look before narrowing her eyes at them both.

“I don’t need to read anyone’s mind here to know exactly what’s going on,” she says. “Finn, good job on the training run. Poe, you know what to do.”

And with that she turns and walks away, leaving Poe standing there staring after her and completely speechless.

“You have no idea what to do, do you?” asks Finn in the dry way he has. He’s also got that skeptical look on his face that Poe loves, even when it’s directed at him.

“I hate it when she does that,” Poe mutters. “It’s like she can see the future but can’t bother to tell the rest of us how to get there.”

Finn actually smiles, one of the first genuine smiles Poe has seen in a while. “I think that’s exactly it. So what do you think she sees?” he asks. “What were you talking about?”

Poe turns toward him, tongue-tied. He’s not sure what Rey expects him to say, since she left before they could finish talking about it. Rey thinks Finn has feelings for Poe, but it’s not like Poe can come right out and ask…can he?

“We were talking about you,” he starts, then quickly amends it when Finn frowns. “Well, us. About you and me. Sort of. Rey thinks…well, um…”

Finn looks uncomfortable, crosses his arms over his chest. “She thinks what?”

Poe laughs nervously. “Rey thinks a lot of crazy things sometimes. You know Rey. I don’t know what to think, so I’m gonna ask. Finn, are you upset with me?” It comes out in a nervous rush. “Did I do something wrong? Or do you want to train more and become a Jedi and never talk to me again because I—”

"Whoa,” Finn says, holding up a hand and clearly alarmed. “Never talk to you again? Where did that come from?”