#gluttony 2003

i'm rewatching it right now and i have to keep pausing it to get the giggles out bc holy shit

professionally made self-insert fanfic to the core. plot holes like you wouldn't believe. mustang hands you an alchemy ring within 60 seconds of being told who you are and this is never explained. greed is there and still thinks he has a soul and human needs (objectively untrue in the 2003 verse. this man is like 300 years old. never learned how to tie up anybody also). this is also never explained. ed surrendered before the story started and this led to him being on the ceiling apparently. no one else is on the ceiling.

envy has mastered winry's speech patterns and body language despite having never met her in their life just so they could pretend to be taken hostage and watch ed beat up greed and then just beats the shit out of him on their own. not even really trying. then they leave for no reason, which is apparently the only motive anybody has today. for some reason ed chases envy even tho greed was the only one who was actually really doing anything threatening.

pride decides it's murder day which also makes absolutely no sense but g-d i miss ed blaylock as bradley. none of the other homunculi question this, or why they're listening to pride, who only really has authority over sloth. pride also seems to think the philosopher's stone can be gained by doing this somehow. ed actively wants mustang dead. somehow envy knew where the other homunculi were and summoned them through the wall with dramatic hand gestures. lust kinda hits on ed and then i think wrath does also??

sloth jumps team mustang and then just. shows her face. which is juliet douglas's face. no one seems to notice. hawkeye tells mustang it's useless to use fire on sloth and then. tries to shoot her. when this fails she pulls out a second gun and dual wields at sloth while sending the only alchemist present away bc i guess flame alchemy is literally the only thing he knows how to do at all. mustang crawls away. sloth does nothing but stand there and be unaffected by bullets about this.

mustang then teleports downstairs and sets lust, gluttony, and wrath on fire, and when the flames clear up envy is there and the others were in the floor i guess?. sloth reenters pursued by armstrong who i guess is also here now? envy was expecting sloth despite having not had any time to communicate with any of the other homunculi at all and also having not been involved in pride's "hey guys go kill my subordinates for me" meeting. robo-archer is there??? and apparently he's an alchemist too today. gun arm alchemist. also even here there are no state alchemist women. kimblee is also here and everyone is totally fine with that (he does nothing at all for the entire fight).

gluttony and armstrong do what i think is some sort of hopping circle dance which they both seem to be enjoying. lust stabs a table. sloth's new attack style is just "stand still and hold soldiers in my water tentacles and maybe wiggle them a bit". mustang snaps a lot and lust dodges every single one bc apparently she's also the fucking flash?? archer's arm cannon does absolutely nothing to anyone but boy is he firing it in directions.

mustang sees you hiding which btw is the normal response to all this and then yell at you to join in before sloth decides it's wiggle time for him too. you reveal yourself to be green lantern and make a box which uhhhh freezes time?? and then explodes everything which i guess is a win for team good guy (+ kimblee and archer). ed says you did a good job (lol. lmao) and then he and al leave.

the only actual injury inflicted is envy beating greed's ass so hard they knocked him right out of the ova