#glumshanks

(Evilized)Glumshanks: *screaming*

————

“What is the MATTER with you?! Hold still, Glumshanks!”

Off camera, the troll says, “Sorry, Lord Kaos.”

“Is that thing even on?!”

Tilting the camera towards him, he replies, “Uhhhh… technically, yes.”

“Good!” Kaos takes a moment to clear his throat, and then:

“Hello, fellow evildoers! By the time you see this, I, KAOS, will have hatched an ingenious plan to liberate you from your miserable existence here in Cloudcracker Prison! And I will do it with THIS! My evil frequency modulator of EVIL DOOM! OBSERVE!”

He flips a few switches and presses a few buttons on its control panel.

“With this device, I will tunnel my way through these walls and free ALL of you, the Doom Raiders. Then, obviously grateful, you will hail ME as your new supreme leader and help me complete my glorious plan for the ultimate domination of all Skylands!”

A hearty evil laugh distracts him from the machine’s massive increase in power.

“Uh, Lord Kaos! Are you sure it’s supposed to be this loud?” Glumshanks frets.

“SILENCE, FOOL!” Kaos shouts. “Of course I’m sure.”

The frequency modulator thingy appears to be doing its job too well. The camera very quickly shuts off, cutting to a test card with the evil genius’s face taking up most of it. He cackles, reveling in the attention this bunch of miscreants is giving him. They all appear unimpressed.

“WELCOME! Welcome, Doom Raiders, to my ultimate evil war table OF DOOM!”

That last word echoes throughout the room. The following moment of silence is broken by Candlequin, who’s been working on a balloon animal.

“THAT’S really what you’re going with?” she asks, perplexed.

Wolfgang slams his fist on the table. “Enough with the games, little man! What do you want from us?”

“Relax, friends! Now that I, KAOS, have rescued you, you are now all under my protection! Here in my new hidden lair, complete with holographic camouflage! Show them, Glumshanks!”

The troll pulls the lever, which from the outside gives this base the appearance of a fun bouncy castle, then an igloo.

“I know what you’re thinking- ingenious!”

The Chompy Mage’s puppet begs to differ.

“Fat lot of good your ‘protection’ did the Gulper!” Wolfgang snarls.

”To be perfectly fair, that soda-quaffing slug’ll follow you anywhere if you set out a vat and some sponge cake,” Candlequin notes, just before the balloon animal- which looks like it’s a round fish- pops. She’s a little bothered, but she picks up another balloon and blows into it.

Wolfgang leans closer to the tiny fellow who freed him and his pack. “Know what else?” He sniffs a bit. “I don’t like your smell.”

“Oh ho! Exactly, Wolfgang! As a chef of great renown, I say P-U, P-U!” Chef Pepper Jack agrees. Unbeknownst to him, the Chompy Mage’s puppet is mouthing his words. “However, I do like the chair.”

Dreamcatcher floats forward. “Yeah! Let’s keep the chair and ditch the creep!”

All the ruffians crowd around Kaos, ready to push him right off the chair and claim it as their own. Candlequin bounces forward, her comically large clown shoes squeaking.

“But wait! I SAVED you! You’re supposed to be thanking me! You haven’t even heard my plan!”

“How old is this fella, anyway?” Candlequin asks, looking closer at him.

“STOP!” commands the Golden Queen, just before they can give Kaos the boot. She’s imposing and lustrous, her golden aura filling the whole room.

“Don’t think us ungrateful for what you’ve done, Kaos. You and the troll may stay. Heh heh… if only to bear witness to MY PLAN to BRING SKYLANDS TO ITS KNEES!”

Even Kaos is a bit intimidated, but he’ll never admit it.

“And believe me, this one’s SOLID GOLD!”

With just one touch, a much smaller chair instantly turns to exactly what she just said. She has to laugh about it.

————

At the center of the base, a hologram of the Chompy Mage is emitted from the center of the floor. Candlequin is playing with some tapers like they’re bowling pins. Wolfgang has some drumsticks on a plate.

“Tell me, what happened to the Chompy Mage?!” the Golden Queen demands to know.

“Oh, you are NOT gonna like this, Majesty. He was totally captured,” Dreamcatcher reports. “Those Skylanders got him. I kinda forgot how annoying they can be.”

“That’s a huge shame. He was quite a comic! I was starting to hit it off with that little puppet of his,” says Candlequin as she tosses the tapers upward.

“You know what that means, don’t you? The Chompy Mage might have left! He could be working for the Skylanders now!” Wolfgang snarls.

Candlequin drops the tapers, dramatically putting one of her hands on her chest. She gasps loudly. “Oh, the HORROR!”

“No matter!” says the Golden Queen. “He already served his purpose by locating all of the Traptanium we need to build my ultimate weapon of infinite power. Our revenge is almost at hand.”

Wolfgang was just about ready to dig in to those drumsticks. “Yeah, about that- this all sounded well and good when we were locked up. But we’ve already lost two of our pack, and I don’t feel like being number three! Maybe it’s time for a little change in management.”

The clown, the chef, and the doctor look towards him in shock.

“Is that so?” asks the queen, just before her staff shoots a beam at the drumstick he’s about to take a bite of, solidifying it into gold.

“YEEOWCH!” the werewolf exclaims. “What are you DOING?! I could’ve chipped a tooth!”

Just behind them is a portrait of their liberator, Kaos, clad in a blue suit and sporting a mop of curly hair. But they don’t notice the painting’s eyes have been cut out, serving as a pair of peepholes for Kaos himself.

“What do you see now, Lord Kaos?” Glumshanks, whose holding him up, asks. He’s illuminating this space with a candle they probably swiped from Candlequin’s stash.

“Quiet, fool! Just keep still!” He looks back through the holes. “After all I’ve done for them… If it wasn’t for me, they’d still be locked up! Stupid Golden Queen. I bet she’s not even real gold!”

“Uh, maybe. But it sounds like this ultimate weapon of hers might actually work.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it! Think, fool! If their plan were to utterly fail, they would have no choice but to come crawling back to me, KAOS! There’s only one thing to do, Glumshanks. Initiate OPERATION SABOTAGE!”

The troll can hoist up his boss no longer. They both collapse, along with a bucket.

On the other side, Candlequin’s pretty sure she could make out some teeny weeny voices and a muffled thud coming from somewhere in the walls. “Um, did anybody else hear something?”

————

Now, instead of the Chompy Mage, there’s a holographic image of Chef Pepper Jack, who’s met a similar fate to the former. As the remaining Doom Raiders crowd around the table, Kaos paces around behind them.

“More bad news, my queen. Now, the Skylanders have Chef Pepper Jack!”

The Golden Queen looks very understandably frustrated. Candlequin rides a unicycle all the way over to her. “Awww, don’cha worry, GQ. I’m sure things are gonna start looking up soon…”

The queen shoots a glare at her, prompting her to pedal away before she’s turned into a golden statue.

Wolfgang strums his bone harp and then slams his hand down on the table once more. “Please, Majesty! Let me go after the Skylanders before they make a mess of everything!”

“YES! Get rid of the Skylanders! Finally!” Kaos exclaims, climbing up onto the table. “And I, KAOS, have the perfectly ingeniously evil plan! First, we’ll get-“

Before he can elucidate, the queen shuts him up with a golden pacifier.

“Dr. Krankcase, how is work going on my ultimate weapon?” she asks.

The doctor- whatever he’s a doctor of- perks up. “Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho! Oh, splendidly, my queen! I have constructed the weapon so that it can harness the GINORMOUS energy of Traptanium. Soon, I’ll have it up and running!”

Candlequin rides up next to him on her unicycle, now juggling a bunch of (probably explosive) tealights. “And once we fire it up, we’ll have the entire world dancing on our strings! Not unlike a certain string-puller I’ve worked with.”

“Indubitably!” Krankcase says.

Candlequin takes her chance and flies. “Hey, Doc! What do you call a Skylander who got stranded out in the desert? A DRYlander!”

She can do better, but the joke sends her and Krankcase into hysterical laughter.

The Golden Queen slams down her staff. “ENOUGH! Both of you! Once the weapon is complete, I will have all the gold in the world!”

Kaos, who’s been wriggling around this whole time, is finally able to yank the pacifier out. “Eh? Ah? Gold? GOLD?! That’s it? That’s your big plan?!”

“Of course,” asserts the queen. “What else is there?”

“Oh, I don’t know! Let me think… Oh yeah! How about ruling Skylands as its ultimate evil overlord?!”

The Doom Raiders can’t seem to take him seriously. “What happens to Kaos once he gets pacified? He becomes Kalm!” Candlequin yuks, getting a decent laugh out of everyone else.

“I’d rather have the gold,” the Golden Queen states bluntly.

“EEEEAAAUUGH! NOT EVIL ENOUGH!” Kaos shrieks. “I can’t take it anymore! You’ve pushed me too far! I challenge you to an EVIL-OFF!”

Almost all of the others appear surprised. As for the candle-lighting clown, though…

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” She pants for a second. “Sorry! Sorry! It’s just… the name!”

“Ohohohohohohoho! That is rich!” chuckles the queen. “Please, tell us. What exactly is an evil-off?”

“Don’t play coy with me. I challenge you to an evil duel for control of the Doom Raiders and all of Skylands!” Kaos declares. “Winner. Takes! All!”

He cackles his signature cackle once again… but he’s let his pride get the better of him. Before long, the Doom Raiders are laughing right back at him as he stands immobile on the grass, having been transformed into gold.

“Wow! Not even close!” Candlequin guffaws.

“I want to thank you, Kaos! That was the most fun I’ve had in a long, long time!” says the Golden Queen.

“Yeah! Oh, and don’t worry about the troll,” adds Wolfgang. “He’ll be just fine with us! Winner take all and all that!”

Like a UFO ready to return to its home planet, the base rises off the ground, turning to gold before Kaos’s eyes. The Doom Raiders leave him alone with his own thoughts.

“This is incomprehensible! How could this happen to ME, Kaos?! I actually find myself needing he- hel- he-“

He had no problem saying that word to the Doom Raiders, but in this context, he’s struggling.

tysm ily <3

You're insane /silly /pos

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When they were kids, Kaos promised Glumshanks they would rule Skylands together. Kaos as the emperor, and Glumshanks as his advisor.