when gideon pulled you aside at caleb’s and your housewarming party, you didn’t know what he was going to ask. but he looked over his shoulder several times, as if he didn’t want caleb to listen.
„you okay?“, he asked in a hushed voice.
you blinked. „what?“
„are you okay?“, he repeated, looking down at your neck.
oh, fuck. you put a hand over the skin there. you had applied make up over it, but the way gideon inspected the bruises there it seemed to have worn off.
„you can tell me. he’s my friend, but I’ll fucking kill him with my bare hands if he ever hurts you“, gideon whispered. another quick glance over his shoulder, then his gaze was on you again. you grabbed his arm.
„everything’s okay, gid“, you said.
his eyes roamed over your body, as if he could look right through the dress. he didn’t seem convinced.
„they’re not bruises“, you kept going. „he left hickeys. while we … you know.“
gideon blinked. then his cheeks pinked and he stared blankly at the ceiling. „fuck him. and fuck you too for making me worry.“ he put his hands on his hips and looked at you again. „what are you guys – fourteen?“
„thanks for worrying about me. I’m very glad to have you on my side.“ you hugged him tightly. he patted your back.
„hands off my fiancée, bitch“, caleb’s voice rang out from behind you.
„you’re the bitch“, gideon retorted. „take good care of her.“
caleb wrapped his arms around your waist from behind, nuzzling your neck. „that’s exactly what I intend to to.“
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⋆. 𐙚˚ after you lose caleb in the explosion, gideon takes good care of you
after the explosion in which you lost josephine and caleb, gideon was there for you. no one knew caleb like you did – but he came close. gideon was calebs best friend, and his heart was shattered the same way yours was.
gideon was there the day of the funeral. he let you cry on his shoulder. he held you as tight as he could when you broke. and he let himself break with you, too. you clung to each other in those times of grief. you supported each other. and after all those months … the lines between the two of you started to blur. at first, it was a goodbye kiss – one he seemed to give you almost instinctively. he leaned down to you, pecked your lips and said: „see you tomorrow.“ completely stunned, you stared at his back as he was leaving, burying both of his hands in his pockets, while you touched your burning lips.
he had kissed you.
he really had kissed you.
it kept going like that. after a while you both found into a routine. you spend all your time together, but it was no longer filled only with grief. something else was blooming between the two of you, slowly sprouting and growing stronger each day. there were more kisses after that first one. more and more and more … until you spend your first night together. gideon conquered your body, and while your soul was still broken, you could still succumb to the pleasure he gifted you. you gave him the same back, moving under him, clawing to his back as he hissed and the veins on his neck started to show.
„come for me“, his hoarse voice was in your ear, while he moved inside you. tears streamed down your face when your climax washed over you. „good girl. such a good fucking girl“, he whispered and kissed your tears away.
it was afterwards, when you stood to open up a window, that you saw a shadowy figure outside. a shadow which was more familiar than your own.
„baby?“, gideons voice sounded behind you. you looked over your shoulder, your smile a little shaken.
when you turned to look out the window again, the shadow was gone.
⋆. 𐙚˚ you’re keeping your distance from gideon … but he’s not having it
after the anniversary of calebs death, you kept your distance from gideon. the image of those petals on the bed were too present in your mind. there was no logical explanation for this. suddenly, a „what if“ awoke in your mind. what if … no, you couldn’t even finish the thought. instead, you fully focused on your work. you investigated wanderers, fought fight after fight until every bone in your body ached. and for the first time since the explosion, you accepted the invitation of your colleagues from the association and went to a bar with them. taras smile shone in the flickering lights, nero had surprisingly good dance moves, and simone urged you to take shots with her. tara pulled you on the dance floor and you let loose. you twirled around, again and again, and then … there it was again.
the shadowy figure.
right there, across the bar.
you stopped in your tracks, in the middle of the dance floor.
someone walked in front of the dark figure and when that person crossed … the shadowy figure was gone.
„no!“, you exclaimed. you stalked across the bar, right to the spot where that person just had stood. then you took a right, in direction of the emergency exit. you were almost at the door when someone grabbed your arm. you inhaled sharply, as you lifted your gaze and saw directly into … gideons dark eyes.
„what the hell are you doing?“ his deep voice was laced with something you were too familiar with: unimaginable pain.
„I’m spending time with my friends.“
he furrowed his brows. „I mean what are you doing with me? you’re ignoring me.“
you took a shaky breath. „we can’t keep doing this, gideon. it’s not fair.“
„to whom?“ he took a step towards you. then another, while you walked back and your back hit the wall. he propped his arm next to your face. „is this about caleb?“
hearing his name still hurt. especially now, that your guilty conscience was eating away at your insides. but gideon deserved the truth, so you whispered: „yes.“
he scoffed. „I know you miss him. I do, too. but us keeping the distance won’t bring him back, okay? so don’t shut me out.“
you shook your head. „what about the petals?“
he blinked. „the what?“
„the petals on your bed. after our last night together.“ you immediately left after you saw them, so scared all of a sudden that fight or flight kicked in.
„I have no idea what you’re talking about.“
your pulse quickened. „there were petals on your bed and all over the floor. the same petals of the bouquet we left at calebs grave.“
gideons brows furrowed even further. he took a deep breath. then he came closer. „baby, we’re both going through a horrible time, yeah? I know that. and sometimes … I still see things. I see caleb playing basketball on the field when I’m playing with our friends. I can sometimes feel his presence when I’m working. but my mind keeps playing tricks on me. and I think grief is making you see things too.“
you inhaled deeply, pondering on his words. maybe … you were imagining things. because you missed caleb so desperately that your mind was making things up that awoke hope in you that the explosion only was a nightmare.
„I don’t know what’s happening to me, gideon“, you whispered and leaned forward, until your forehead was leaning against his chest. his arms closed around you, embracing you in his warmth.
„nothing’s wrong with you, baby. that’s just part of grief. spending time with you helped me. I found solace in you. metaphorically and physically, if you catch my drift.“
that made you snort. you hit his shoulder half heartedly. „you‘re stupid.“
he grinned. „I’m just being honest. also, I miss you in my bed.“ he pushed a strand of hair out of your face.
„I miss you too“, you admitted. he got closer, pinning you against the wall, and something flipped in your stomach.
„I missed you. you missed me.“ his mouth wandered over your jaw, down to your neck. he pressed his lips right where your pulse thrummed. „does this mean you’ll come back to my place tonight?“
you shook your head.
„no? that’s okay.“ he backed away slowly, but you grabbed him and tugged him into the nearest restroom. after you closed the door behind the two of you, you stared at him, suddenly almost shy.
„if you want me, you’ll have to beg me, baby“, he murmured, leaning against the doorframe. „I won’t start anything until you do that.“
heat flushed your cheeks. „I want you.“
„you left me alone. and now you want me back?“
„I do.“
you reached for him, but he shook his head, smirking. „say it again.“
„I want you, gideon.“ he closed his eyes when you said his name. „please. please let me forget.“
„not this time.“ he made a step towards you, grabbing a fistful of your hair, pulling ever so slightly, until you looked up to him. the insides of your mouth felt dry, when he came so close to you you could feel his breath. „I won’t make you forget. you’ll remember every fucking second of me making you scream.“ that was the last thing he said, before he crushed his mouth to yours.
the two of you were colliding. suddenly your back was pressed against the little cabin door, as gideon was pulling your underwear down, while you were freeing his hard length from his pants, stroking him. he got on his knees after a short moment, pushing your skirt up, pressing his mouth down on your clit, sucking hard.
„fuck“, you exclaimed, as he was licking you like a man starved. it didn’t take long for you to pant, the passion rising higher and higher, but then … he stopped. just for him to turn you around and entering you in one swift motion. you let out a loud gasp, feeling all of him inside you.
„I need you to realize“, he said, accentuating every single word with a hard thrust, „that this is inevitable.“ he grabbed your hair again, pulling your head back so you had to look into his dark eyes. his other hand came around your body to find your aching soft spot once more. you moaned, as he fucked you faster. every single inch of your body belonged to him in that moment.
„do you understand, baby?“, he murmured into your ear. „do you feel this?“
„yes!“, you exclaimed. „yes, fuck, gideon. deeper. please deeper.“
he fulfilled your wish, going so deep it was on the brink of pain. and he was right. this felt inevitable. like both of you belonged right here, together. the climax washed over you so fiercely it almost brought you to your knees. gideon was the one holding you upright, pumping slowly inside you, savoring every second of this, while you closed your eyes and only felt bliss.
⋆. 𐙚˚ you don’t want to feel the pain of calebs loss, so gideon takes your mind off it
a year has passed since the explosion. gideon and you went to the flower shop to get a bouquet and stood at calebs grave, side by side. your throat closed up at the sight of his name, engraved in the grey stone. and as his name burned into your mind, all of the memories the two of you shared rose up inside you. you let out a stifled sob, to which gideon immediately put an arm around you. you shook your head and took a step to the side. immense guilt washed over you, while you looked at the grave of the man you loved so deeply, that a part of your soul died with him in that explosion. gideon seemed to know what was going on, even though he was tense beside you. you kneeled in front of calebs grave, putting the flowers down. soft pink and white camellias, which stood for love and devotion. how utterly hypocritical of you. just a few nights ago, calebs best friend made you whimper until you completely fell apart under him. and now? you cried in front of his grave, as if you weren’t the most shameful, stupid …
„stop it.“ gideons voice sounded stern.
you looked up at him. his body was shielding the sun; it looked as if a halo was around his dark head of hair. „stop what?“
he crouched down next to you. „you’re talking bad to yourself again and I don’t like it. so stop.“
there was a lump in your throat that kept you from answering him. but it wasn’t necessary anyway – gideon cupped your face and softly grazed your skin with his thumb. suddenly your cheeks felt flush, even though they were still wet from the tears. „come on now“, he said. „lets go home.“
back at his apartment, gideon never left your side. he stayed with you, ordered food and even tried to feed you. „open up“, he said in his deep voice, while holding the spoon full of rice and steamed veggies in front of your mouth. just a few nights ago, he said the exact same words to you, but in a different context entirely. you were on your knees then, looking up at him, while he opened his belt ever so slowly. his eyes were so dark in that moment, they almost seemed black. with heat creeping into your cheeks at the sinful memory, you opened your mouth and took the food he offered. „good girl“, he murmured.
„are you doing this on purpose?“, you inquired.
his brows rose. „what exactly?“
„talking to me like when you fucked me.“
now he was the one blushing. „I … sorry.“
„don’t apologize.“ you took the spoon out of his hand and laid it on the table. then you scooched closer to him. „it reminds me how easily you can make me forget. and at the moment, I really don’t want to feel this pain.“
gideons hands gripped your hips as you straddled him. his face was tormented, even though he held you close. „are you sure?“
you nod. „we can eat afterwards. you won’t even have to feed me.“
that made him smile a little. before you knew what was happening, he ripped your dress open, revealing your lace-trimmed bra underneath. there, between your breasts, rested calebs dog tags. the only thing that was left of him and the one thing, you never let go of. gideon raised his hand, softly grazing the cool metal with his fingers. you couldn’t tell what he was thinking. he leaned forward, pushing the dog tags to the side, kissing your skin, kneading your breasts with his hands, making a whimper escape your lips. when he kissed you, all your dark thoughts were silenced – there was only room for gideon and the fire that rose between the two of you. it didn’t take long for him to be inside you. you moved on top of him, riding him hard and fast, enjoying the soft stings of pain when he went in too deep.
„give it to me“, he said between sharp breaths. „just like that, baby. just like that …“
when you came, you bit his shoulder hard enough to cause a bruise. but gideon didn’t mind. in fact, he gripped you so forceful that his fingerprints lingered on your ass long after the two of you were done. you could feel him on you until the next morning when you woke up, stretching your aching arms over your head. you blinked. then you froze, your heart stumbling in your chest.
there were petals scattered all over the bed and gideons bedroom floor. soft pink and white petals, that looked exactly like the ones you had left at calebs grave.
synopsis: after the explosion in which mc lost caleb, she is left heartbroken – and so is calebs best friend gideon, who never leaves her side. but as grief draws them closer, the line between mourning friends and something more begins to blur. especially when caleb comes back, not just alive, but wanting her still.
content: smut, angst with feelings, loss of a loved one, grief, emotional trauma, why pick one when you can have both, friends to lovers, return from the dead, morally gray behavior, longing, guilt, possessiveness
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you had finally convinced caleb to talk to gideon. the two of you stood before his door and the seconds stretched while you waited. when the door opened, gideon took one look at you, then caleb.
„what do you want?“ his voice was awfully cold. it had none of the warmth he always saved for you.
„we need to talk.“ caleb didn’t hesitate – he strolled into gideons apartment.
„get the fuck out!“, gideon growled.
caleb turned around, stretched both of his arms out like an invitation. „come on, gid. we both know you want to hit me. so feel free to do so.“
„caleb.“ your voice was a warning. one caleb didn’t seem to care for.
„come on, now buddy. time’s running out. I may pull my invitation back, so you better …“
gideon rammed his fist into calebs face.
„gideon!“, you screamed, but caleb held up one hand, the other pressed to his bleeding brow. blood ran down his face.
„it’s okay, pipsqueak. let him have a little fun.“
„fuck you!“, gideon snarled.
caleb got up and wiped the blood off his face. „no, fuck you, man. you took the one thing that’s more important to me than anything else.“
gideon walked across his living room, then turned on his heel, pointing at caleb. „you weren’t here, so I took care of her. because you left!“
caleb cocked an eyebrow. „is this really the reason you’re so angry at me?“
gideon furrowed his brows. „what other reason would there be?“
caleb shrugged. „I dont know. I thought maybe you were missing me too.“
gideon scoffed. „missing you?“ he shook his head. „fucking hell.“
caleb looked at you. something crossed his face. darkness rose in his eyes, it seemed to consume him. „so you didn’t. that’s why you took her from me.“
„I took nothing!“, gideon shouted.
you couldn’t stand between them, yet you did. you stroked gideons hand. pain tore him apart. you knew that. you saw it, felt his pain every single day the whole year caleb was gone. it mirrored your own. „baby“, you whispered. gideon didn’t look at you, but his grip tightened on your hand.
„I couldn’t function, because I was so broken“, he rasped. „I was fucking broken, caleb. your death – the lie you made us believe, completely destroyed us both. so theres nothing you can say, nothing you can do to take back what you did to us. and if you even think for one second that I’ll let you take her away from me, you’ll find out what grief made of me.“ he let go of your hand and took a step toward him.
calebs jaw ticked. for a moment, it looked as if he wanted to hit his best friend. but instead, he just shook his head. his shoulders sank. „forgive me.“
gideon blinked. „what?“
„leaving you broke me just the same. I didn’t want any of this. it was not my decision. but I’m deeply sorry. forgive me for causing both of you pain.“
you looked up at gideon again. he oozed pain, from his tight jaw to his tense shoulders. normally, gideon was calm. warmth. an anchor in a stormy, chaotic world. but now he was the one needing support. you needed to be his anchor. so you hugged him. you held him as tight as you could, when caleb started to speak again.
„I had my reasons. there are still things I can’t tell you. it would risk both of your lives. but … I need you to know that I didn’t do it on purpose. it broke me just as much, being away from her. being away from you.“ caleb avoided both of your gazes, but it was too late – you had seen the grief in his violet eyes.
„it’s not good enough“, gideon murmured.
„tell me what would be.“ caleb took a step towards both of you. „tell me and I’ll do it.“
„I want …“ gideon shut his mouth.
„what do you want, babe?“, you whispered.
finally, he looked at you. you had both of your arms around his waist, trying to give him the same kind of support he had always given you. gideon raised his hand, his thumb grazing your bottom lip. „I just want you“, he finally whispered. „I want things to stay the same as they were before …“ he looked at caleb. „before you returned.“
„I am back though. so …“ caleb cocked his head to the side. „maybe we should just ask her.“
both of them looked at you. their glances were a weight you weren’t prepared to carry.
„baby“, gideon whispered. „tell me what you want.“
your heartbeat fastened, as you looked between the two of them.
caleb, your best friend, the man who was always there, no matter what. the one who took care of you, made you laugh, was your first in every sense of the word. the one person you couldn’t imagine to not love.
and gideon, who shared your grief after caleb died. gideon was there. you both clung to each other in a time of need. and from that, a love bloomed, that grew deeper with each passing day. gideon and you found yourselves in that brokenness and from that you both grew so close you couldn’t imagine life without him ever again.
you loved them both.
you loved them both with everything you had.
you just needed to be brave enough to share the truth.
„I want you“, you said to gideon. his smile was your whole world. and it broke your heart to see it falter, when you looked at caleb.„but I also want you.“ you gulped. „I can’t decide. I won’t.“
caleb and gideon looked at you, then at each other.
„I don’t like sharing“, caleb said.
„your loss. I won’t give up on her. not now. not ever.“ gideon leaned down, taking your face in both of his hands. „I want you too, baby. always have. always will.“ his words were like a promise. he leaned down and burned those words into you with a kiss. he moved his mouth skillfully over yours, grabbed a fistful of your hair, deepened the kiss so you could feel him everywhere.
suddenly, there was a solid warmth behind you. you felt caleb, even before he leaned forward. his lips brushed your earlobe. gideon kept on kissing you, but you felt calebs words just as intense. „I said I don’t like sharing“, he murmured hot against your skin. „not that I wouldn’t do it for you.“ he pressed his lips down on your pulse. „I’d do anything for you. especially after not being able to see you for so long.“
gideon stopped the kiss, still holding you close, but looking at caleb over your shoulder. „you’d do anything?“
caleb nodded. „anything. besides … this is pretty much the only person I could imagine sharing with.“
„fuck you“, gideon gritted out.
„I think I’d rather fuck her.“
gideon snarled. now you were the one who grabbed his face, forcing him to look into your eyes. „what do you want, gideon?“
he leaned his forehead against yours. all the tension left his body when he was this close. „I want you.“
„even if I want both of you?“
he nodded immediately.
„I need to hear you say it. do you still want me, even if I’m being this greedy?“
he opened his eyes. they pierced into your soul. „god, yes. yes, I want you, even if I have to share.“
even though calebs hands were on your hips, you lunged forward to press your mouth on gideons once more. he kissed you as if his life depended on it. caleb wrapped his arms around you from behind, kissing a trail down your throat. a soft moan escaped your lips. caleb bit down on your skin and you whispered his name full of longing, directly into gideons mouth. but instead of withdrawing, he sighed into your mouth, his tongue dancing with yours. heat rushed through your whole body. it was maddening, having both of them so close, when you thought you’d lost them. calebs hands wandered under your shirt, pulling the fabric up.
„is that okay?“, he murmured.
you nodded. „more.“
„I think you forgot something. one little word, six letters.“
„do what she says“, gideon ordered.
„okay, okay.“ caleb took those words very seriously. in a few skilled moves, he got rid of your clothes, until you only wore a panties. you kissed gideon one more time, before you turned to caleb, looking him up and down. „your turn.“
he cocked a brow. then, in one swift motion, he took his shirt off. meanwhile gideons hands wandered over your body, taking your breasts into his hands, kneading them. his touch felt familiar, yet exhilaratingly new. because this was the first time you, gideon and caleb were together this way. something you’d never thought possible.
your fingers caressed the hard planes of calebs stomach, while gideon pressed himself to you from behind. you inhaled sharply, as you felt him hard on your ass. you stretched yourself to feel more of him and gideon moaned.
„fuck“, he ground out while pressing himself harder against you. „I need you.“
caleb hooked his fingers into your panties, pulling them down. he crouched before you, looking up at you through thick lashes. without taking his eyes off of you, he started kissing your knees, then the insides of your thighs. you wrapped one arm around gideons neck from behind, burying one hand in calebs hair, while he kept on kissing your thighs higher and higher.
gideon took your nipples into his fingers and pinched them, until you moaned his name. then, calebs mouth was right there, on the spot that was pulsing in need. first, he kissed you. then, he licked you slowly, and your knees nearly gave out under you. you would have sank to the floor then and there, if gideon hadn’t held you up, tightly pressed against his chest. caleb licked another slow trail against your weakest spot. you grabbed behind you, feeling gideon through his pants.
„I want to feel you“, you whined.
„fuck, yes.“ after a few seconds his warmth was back – and you could finally feel him. all of him, hard and hot, directly on you. his cock twitched and he moved slightly, entering you only with his tip. both of your breaths hitched. you couldn’t stand still, caleb was still eating you out, so you squirmed – and gideon sank in deeper.
„fuck“, he grit out. he slung one arm around your neck, pulling you closer to him. „you feel heavenly.“ you arched your back, and he entered you fully. both of you moaned in unison. calebs hands wandered up the back of your thighs, until he squeezed your ass. gideon started fucking you with his cock, while caleb kept licking you.
„just like that!“, you exclaimed.
„you like that?“, gideon murmured against your ear. „you like two guys giving it to you real good?“
„yes! yes, I like– ah!“ caleb sucked down on you, hard. you grabbed his hair so firmly he let out a groan.
gideon kept his arm around your throat, with just enough pressure. you almost couldn’t breathe. almost. calebs hand landed on your ass, hard enough to leave a print. it was too much and yet not enough.
„more“, you whined. „both of you. more.“
caleb grazed your clit with his teeth, slapping your ass again, while gideon pulled you closer by the neck. his thrusts grew erratic, even deeper than before, and there wasn’t a thought in your mind except one.
„I love you“, you exclaimed when stars burst in front of your eyes and the orgasm washed over you with so much force, you could hardly stand up. but caleb and gideon were both there to catch you.
„I love you, too.“
they both said it when you came undone. after you sank to the floor, all the bones in your body seemed like liquid. you all lay there, caleb propped up on one arm, looking in awe at your face, gideon nuzzled in the crook of your neck.
„things can stay this way“, you murmured.
„they can“, caleb replied softly, pressing a kiss to your temple. „but it’s not only up to us.“
gideon didn’t move an inch. he didn’t say anything either.
„still angry at me?“, caleb asked.
„fuck you.“
„pretty harsh for someone who’s just had the best orgasm of his life“, caleb retorted.
gideon looked up. „how would you know anything about my orgasms?“
caleb grinned. „I just know it, big boy. there’s no reason to deny it.“
„baby, couldn’t you pick someone else? like … anyone else?“, gideon asked, without taking his eyes off caleb.
„no“, you replied with a smile. „we both know somewhere deep inside you, you love him.“
gideon gave up and nuzzled your neck again, grumbling something incomprehensible, that almost sounded like „unfortunately, I do“. caleb kissed your temple again, and heat flushed your cheeks. a song of both of their names filled your head.
caleb. gideon. caleb. gideon. caleb. gideon.
both of your loves.
both of their souls.
all of you, at the end of something. and a new beginning right in front of you.
⋆. 𐙚˚ gideon realizes what you and caleb have done
a/n: sorry for the angst! it’s going to get better soon.
rain was pouring outside and the patter against the window woke you up. for a moment you were confused, not quite knowing where you were. then there was a different sound – a bang on your door. you sat up, rubbing your eyes, suddenly aware of your aching body. another bang at the door. then another one.
„please tell me you’re there“, a familiar voice sounded from the other side. „please, please, please …“
still half asleep, you opened your apartment door. gideon was leaning against the frame, dark hair tousled, a worried look in his eyes. „thank god“, was the only thing he got out before his arms were around you. he held you for a few seconds, keeping you close to his chest. you realized how ragged his breath went.
„what’s wrong?“, you asked hoarsely.
„you just disappeared on me at the bar. there was a fire. I was in the hospital and …“
„you were what?!“ you let go of him, looking him up and down to see if he had any injuries.
„I’m fine. I just breathed in a bit too much smoke, but everything’s alright. but then tara told me she couldn’t find you anywhere. I was so worried something happened to you.“
slowly it all came back to you.
the night at the bar.
gideon and you in the bathroom.
the smell of smoke. and then … that dream. caleb who claimed you again and again, whispering in your ear how torturous it was for him to see you with his best friend. the dream in which you thought of gideon – even though you were with caleb again.
gideon softly grabbed you by the shoulders and looked you up and down. then up again. he stiffened, his eyes on your neck. suddenly he furrowed his brows. „where’s that from?“
his fingers grazed across your skin.
„what?“ your voice sounded two octaves higher. gideon closed the door and turned you slightly so you could look into the silver framed mirror in your hallway. and when you saw your reflection … you pressed a hand to your mouth to stifle the cry rising in your throat.
there were marks all over your neck and cleavage. in the exact same spots, where caleb had bitten and sucked your skin in your dream.
it was as if someone poured icewater all over you.
the petals.
the shadowy figure.
the marks.
suddenly, you came to the realization that your hopeful assumption was, in fact, becoming true.
„caleb is alive“, you breathed, so silently that gideon looked at you confused.
„what?“
„caleb“, you said, louder this time. „caleb is alive.“
gideons breathing stopped completely for a moment. „are you … I mean … how is this possible?“
you shook your head. „I don’t know. I only know that … he was there. he has to be the one who got me out. I … we …“
horror rose in gideons dark eyes. again, his fingers grazed your skin where caleb had marked you. „this was him?“
shame filled your entire being as you slowly nodded.
gideon clenched his jaw. „you wanted this?“, he asked further.
„gideon …“ your voice broke. his hand sank and a muscle in his jaw ticked. „I thought I was dreaming. I often dream about him. you know that, I told you about that.“
he huffed out a humorless laugh. „as far as I know, dreams don’t leave love marks on your body.“
„I … it was real. I know that now.“
he put his hands on his hips, staring at the ceiling. „so you’re not just telling me that my best friend faked his death. you’re telling me that you – what? fucked him after you were done with me?“ he looked at you again, and this time you could almost taste the pain in his eyes.
„I didn’t know!“, you exclaimed. „I told you I thought something was weird. I told you about the petals. but instead of believing me, you told me that it’s all part of grief.“
„because I thought it was!“ he was walking a few steps, then came back to you. he looked as if you had just broken something inside him. „I love you.“
your breath caught in your throat. „what?“
„when caleb introduced us years ago, I told him. I said to him: if you’re not gonna worship the ground she walks on, I’ll do it. and he very clearly told me to back off. which I did. I kept my distance and loved seeing you both happy. until he broke us both completely.“ he sauntered over to you, his eyes darkening. „since then, I have fallen for you each and every day. I can’t imagine my life without you. I love you. and I thought … I thought maybe one day, when the grief isn’t as present in our lives anymore, you could love me too. but this?“ he shook his head. „this isn’t love. love isn’t running back to the person you thought you lost. love isn’t fucking another man while I worry about you the whole night. and if you dream of him, see him, feel him … what do I even do in your life?“
gideon took your heart and broke it into pieces with his words, and you couldn’t suppress the sob leaving your lips.
„he’s not just another man“, you cried. „I love him. I always have. I thought … I thought he meant something to you, too.“
„he did. otherwise I wouldn’t have spend the last year crying over the loss we both faced. but this? I don’t enjoy being played with. I don’t care why he left and I don’t want to find out.“ he turned and wanted to leave, but you grabbed his wrist.
„gideon, please. don’t go“, you whispered.
he hesitated for a moment. you looked at his rising and sinking shoulders.
„I can’t do this“, he rasped.
then he left without another word. after the door closed behind him, you sank to the ground, your whole body shaking. you hugged your knees, leaning your forehead on them, while tears ran down your face.
you wanted to say it back, you realized.
you loved caleb, yes. you always had.
but when gideon left … he took your heart with him.
⋆. 𐙚˚ you miss gideon and get a nightly visit from caleb
you went to work. you went home. you cried. you slept horribly. then it began again. work. home. crying. bad sleep.
you tried to reach gideon, but he didn’t pick up. he didn’t want anything to do with you – that was more than clear. it was as if someone put a knife directly through your chest. a feeling you were way too familiar with.
the next night, you were half asleep … when caleb returned. you didn’t know how he got into your apartment – but you heard his footsteps in the hallway. a noise you had known for years. there was a part of you that still hoped, this was a dream. the other part longed for him, missed him so much your soul was broken into pieces.
the door opened. you squeezed your eyes shut. the bedsheets rustled. he sat on the corner of the bed, reaching for you. a slight touch on your arm.
„don’t pretend you’re asleep, honey.“ his voice was hoarse as whiskey and melodic as ever. you couldn’t believe he was here. couldn’t believe he really was alive.
you jerked up – and there he was, violet gaze fixed on you. „I hate you“, you spit out. then you shoved him. „I hate you.“
he smiled at your words. „didn’t seem that way when you begged me for my cock.“
your body reacted on it’s own – your hand collided with his cheek. the echo of your slap and your breathing were the only noises in the room. you stared at each other, your chest heaving, his smile wiped from his lips.
„you left me for over a year. you let me believe you were dead. and then you played mind games with me and gideon to the point of us doubting reality. give me one reason … one reason not to pull my weapon right now and shoot you.“
there it was again, his slight smile. it was different than the one you were so familiar with. this smile had an edge to it. a different side to the caleb you once knew. „do it, honey. I invite you to.“ the smile faded slowly. his brows furrowed, the violet in his eyes turning cold. „because it wouldn’t hurt less than what you have done to me already.“
your cheeks flushed, angry heat creeping into them. „I thought you were dead!“
„you couldn’t wait for gideon to …“
you didn’t let him finish the sentence. in one swift movement, you grabbed your gun from the nightstand, then you were on him, straddling him, gun pointed right to his head. „one more word and I’ll make sure you die for real this time.“
caleb leaned back on his elbows, looking up at you. „are you sure you’re ready for that, little apple?“
„you have lost every permission to give me a petname“, you snarled, pushing the gun deeper into his skin.
caleb grabbed your wrist, holding you in place. „can gideon give you a petname?“, he sneered. „what does he call you, huh? baby?“ he laughed without any humor. „I heard him call lots of girls by that petname at the DAA, you know. we had fun times together. or rather gideon had a lot of fun. with a lot of girls. there were times where he fucked several in …“
without letting him finish that sentence, you yanked your hand back, ready to strike – but he was faster. in one swift motion, he spun you around until he was the one pinning you down, forcefully grabbing both of your wrists. you held on to your gun, grinding your teeth together.
„stop talking about him!“
„why? I thought you loved talking about him.“
you hooked your legs around his, shoved your elbow up, and managed to throw his weight off you. the two of you tumbled off the bed and hit the floor hard, but you had the upper hand again, with your arm pressed down his neck.
„you don’t even have the decency of telling me the truth. of explaining anything.“ your voice started to shake, so did your arm.
„I couldn’t come back to you.“ suddenly calebs voice was softer. „I wanted to, but I couldn’t. even now … being here is a safety risk for you.“
you tried to wrap your head around his words. „I … I don’t understand.“
„there’s so much I want to tell you, but I can’t. but trust me – if I would have had the choice, I would have never left you. never. I promise you that.“
your grip on him faltered. your shoulders started to shake. even though you weren’t sure this was enough, you started to question whether your anger was right. it was a start, at least.
you gulped. „I still want to kind of shoot you.“
„and I would like to shoot gideon. and you. sooo … we’re kind of in the same boat, right?“
you pressed your lips together, so the laugh didn’t slip out. then you sank on him, not being able to choke him anymore. caleb wrapped his arms around you. your bodies seemed to melt into one in one earth shattering, all consuming hug. it wasn’t like the last time, where you both claimed each other. it was like in the past – with him hugging you so tight as if you were his anchor and he yours. for a second, all of the horrible months of grief disappeared, all your anger, all the pain and you only felt him. the rise and fall of his chest. his heartbeat, steady and very much alive.
„I missed you“, he whispered.
You couldn’t answer. „I missed you, too“, didn’t even begin to cut it. but there was a little voice inside your head, whispering another name.
gideon.
„I’m not the only one you should explain yourself to, caleb“, you whispered.
suddenly he got stiff. „yes, you are.“
you pulled away slightly to look into his face. „gideon has a right to know, caleb.“
his jaw was tightened, his eyes dark. hurt crossed his face. „you were with him.“
„I was“, you replied. „and I don’t regret it.“
he avoided your gaze, but you grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at you. „I love you. I have never stopped loving you. I’m angry, because you left me. I’m heartbroken that you kept these secrets from me. but I wouldn’t have survived the last year without gideon. I … he‘s important to me. and he was important to you once.“
„that was before he …“ he didn’t finish the sentence and it lingered between the two of you.
„gideon didn’t betray you. and I didn’t either. we didn’t plan for this to happen. I know it hurts you, and I understand … but please know that it would never had happened if you didn’t die. we grieved you, caleb. we bonded over that. and that bond … it won’t ever disappear.“
he cupped your cheek, his thumb softly stroking your cheek. „I hate that it had to come to this. but … I think, with time, I’ll be able to understand.“
you leaned your forehead against his, until you shared your breath, his hand never leaving your skin.
