#ghostin'

march 25, 1977

"In her eagerness she rose and supported herself on the arm of the chair. At that earnest appeal he turned to her, looking absolutely desperate. His eyes, wide and wet, at last flashed fiercely on her; his breast heaved convulsively. An instant they held asunder, and then how they met I hardly saw, but Catherine made a spring, and he caught her, and they were locked in an embrace from which I thought my mistress would never be released alive: in fact, to my eyes, she seemed directly insensible. He flung himself into the nearest seat, and on my approaching hurriedly to ascertain if she had fainted, he gnashed at me, and foamed like a mad dog, and gathered her to him with greedy jealousy."

Light steps approached Ellie from behind before someone landed in the seat just beside her. She could smell the freshness of his cologne—the Polo Blue that he'd just run into the restroom to retouch, "what'cha reading?"

"The same. Wuthering Heights," Ellie replied, turning the book to show him the cover again.

"Read it to me."

"I already told you no." she chuckled, looking over at him. A cheeky smile plastered across his face.

"Pretty please." he said, batting his eyes innocently at her.

"I miss when you were asleep." Ellie mumbled, her eyes trying to skim down to encounter the paragraph she left off on.

"That is not how you regard your guests, Miss Saunders."

"Alright, Rog. Let's not forget you begged me to let you come."

"Well you were the one moaning about touring alone since you've got Andrew to house sit for you," the blond rolled his eyes, pulling the book away from her.

"Give that back, you fiend." Ellie said, ripping the book back from him, "great. I lost my page." she huffed, setting the book down beside her, "you're like an annoying little brother, you know that?"

"It's my single goal in life to annoy you."

"That's why you begged to come with me." Ellie said, unable to keep the giggle inside her from bubbling past her lips.

"Caught me." Roger smiled, another stupid toothy grin.

Ellie turned away from him, her cheeks burning, for what reason she didn't know. Gulping, she retrieved the book again, quickly flipping through the pages, failing to notice a flight attendant approaching them.

"Anything to drink?" she'd asked.

"Just a gin and tonic for me, please. El?" Roger asked, his fingertips just grazing her thigh. Her head snapped up immediately.

"What?"

"Drink?" he whispered.

"Oh! Uhm—I'll—just a water for me. Thanks."

The flight attendant nodded before quietly departing to the next small cluster of people seated in front of them. "You okay?" Roger asked, "you're red as a tomato!"

"Mhm!" she nodded, "fine."

"You sure?" he asked.

"Yeah, I just get a little flustered on planes...sometimes."

"It's alright. A metal tube traveling at thousands of miles an hour is pretty nerve-wracking," he chuckled, tucking a cigarette between his lips. His lighter flicked a few times and a puff of smoke flew past his lips. With a hum, he offered Ellie a drag—one she accepted gratefully.

"What's the itinerary when we land?"

Ellie hummed, contemplating the day over in her mind, "well first we're just getting settled in the hotel and such. Then, I wanted to go out and see the city a bit, maybe visit a store or two. Chill out for tonight, you know?"

"First show's tomorrow right?"

Ellie nodded.

"Nervous?"

"Only slightly."

"Right, cuz you had the American tour first."

"Exactly. Couldn't have asked for a better audience, honestly. So, uh, knowing that there are people around the world who wanna see me is kinda...I don't know. Endearing." she smiled.

"Thanks for letting me come along, El, really."

"Of course, Rog. I need someone who's been around to show me the ropes."

Photographers were ready to snap their cameras at Ellie as soon as she'd gotten off the plane, but the hubbub really seemed to come when she and her small entourage had arrived at the hotel. She clutched at her duty-free bag in one hand and her handbag in another as they tried to enter the place as quickly as they could.

As Ellie settled into her room, she turned the radio on to the last station it had been left on, some German pop station as far as she could tell. She looked down into her open suitcase, pondering if she should even unpack it when her eyes wandered to the duty-free bag over on her dresser.

She decided instead that her first order of business was to find a glass somewhere in the large hotel room. She figured near the coffee machine would be her best bet. They couldn't charge for a used glass, right?

Removing the seal from the bottle, she inhaled the scent of the alcohol, strong and pungent. She was excited to drink it and was about to pour when a knock came at the door. With a sigh, she pushed the glass aside and hid the bottle in a nearby cabinet.

"Hey!" she greeted upon seeing Roger on the other side of the door. There was a plastic bag in his hand. Roger peered into the room as Ellie waved him inside, "come on in."

"Great room," he said as he knocked on one of the wooden beams on the wall. Ellie raised a brow at this. She thought back to Jimmy and how he'd do the same thing any time they'd been in a hotel room together. "Sturdy." he murmured to himself.

"What's up?"

"Oh! I just had something for you that I brought all the way..." he trailed off, reaching his arm into the bag and pulling out two large boxes, "from England!" he said, handing over the containers to Ellie.

"Oh my God, the cigarettes! I can't believe you remembered," she chuckled, extending her arms out to give him a hug, "thanks, Rog."

"Wanna light up?" Roger asked as he pointed in the direction of the small balcony off Ellie's room.

"Uhh, sure!" she stammered, "I was about to have a drink actually, so we can cheers the new tour as well...if you want."

Roger playfully extended his watch, noting the time displayed on it, "Ten fifteen in the morning."

"Alright, well, I am having a drink because some of us can't be totally together all the time." Ellie replied, opening the cabinet and yanking out her bottle of vodka.

"Jeez, that's the strong stuff. Are you sure?" Roger said, picking up bottle and inspecting the label after Ellie had poured herself half a glass of the Spirytus.

When she didn't answer, he turned to see her already sitting outside with a lit cigarette between two fingers and the glass of vodka on the table.

"Do they have any of your stuff here?" Ellie asked playfully as she nudged Roger's shoulder. He'd been meandering about the record store they'd found themselves in after having gotten lunch and wandering the German streets for a short while.

"I hope not," he chuckled, watching as Ellie flipped through some Clapton records.

"You hope not?" She guffawed, abandoning the famous Slowhand and his records, jumping straight to the Q section, "Well let's see!"

It wasn't long before she landed on a Queen album, the band's name printed with gold leaf lettering over a purple background with a shadowed Freddie. She recognized it as the group's first album.

"Your first..." she teased, flipping through the next few until she landed on her favorite, "your best. Especially the guy doing screams, you should tell him he needs a raise." Ellie said, picking up their Sheer Heart Attack record.

"What's your favorite song?"

"Gotta be Killer Queen." she replied. It dawned on her then that she wasn't sure if this was as awkward for him as it was amusing to her. "But seriously, you guys knocked it outta the park with this one." she said before sliding the record back into its place.

"Thanks." Roger replied, scratching his head as he peered into the other Queen LP's they'd had in stock. Then, Roger seemed to have an idea, "well let's see which Ellie Saunders records they have in stock."

"I only have two albums, there's not much to find." She laughed, following the blond to the S section just a short shuffle away. Funnily enough, they'd had multiples of both of Ellie's albums. Roger plucked her first record out of the mix and tucked it beneath his arm.

"You're gonna buy it?" she asked.

"Yeah, why not?"

"Well make sure I don't make your ears bleed with my shoddy covers."

"I'll be the judge of that." Roger said, jumping a step back when Ellie tried to grab for the record.

"Rog!" Ellie insisted, "I can give you one for free from the merch stand at the show tomorrow."

"Oh come on," he scoffed, "I support small businesses....and stars."

"Asshole," she laughed, slapping his arm.

They stopped in a few more small shops, picking up some clothes and knickknacks on the way before heading back to the hotel.

"You going to bed?" Roger asked as they stood outside his room.

"I don't know yet. Might watch some TV, get room service...just chill before the whole tour thing starts."

Nodding he replied, "might just do the same, honestly," he chuckled awkwardly.

"Cool. So, I'll see you tomorrow, Rog." she said, her eyes wandering around the hallway, hoping desperately to end the conversation as quickly as she could.

"See you, darling. Sleep well." he said, unlocking his door, heading in for the night.

Ellie returned the sentiment, then, with a sigh, wandered down the dimly lit hall, going into her own room. She set down her purchases, and plopped down onto her soft, white bed, drifting off to sleep quicker than she had anticipated.

---

masterlist | playlist

1 Week Later -- The Anniversary

12 months ago, today. That's when your world shattered for the first time and everything fell apart. Your heart had been free of such pain until that fateful day, innocent and unaware that sadness like that even existed. That was the first time you ever truly questioned a higher power, baffled that any 'benevolent ruler' could steal such a bright light away from the world. Your first love -- the girl you once imagined spending forever with -- was killed in a hit and run, left to die alone on the pavement. 

A majority of your youth belonged to her: the two of you grew up together, slowly falling until you had enough courage to make her yours. Countless memories were made, back when you had no idea how much they'd mean to you in the future. Life was fun with her: she made the mundane things interesting, and the adventures unforgettable. She was unashamedly herself, never stopping for a moment to give a damn about what anybody else thought of her. The two of you had each other, and that's all that really mattered. She was everything to you.

She was. 

You still find her in the little things. Whether it be a commercial for her favorite cereal, a bottle of her signature perfume catching your eye as you shop, or even just a flash of her favorite color, you swear that she's still around. After spending so many years with her, it's nearly impossible to imagine her gone. She was so full of life and enthusiasm when her presence still graced the Earth that the thought of her being faded, that twinkle in her eye forever extinguished, seems like an insult to her legacy. 

How are you supposed to move on from something like that? Rosé has been one of the only things keeping your head above water ever since she walked into your life, but a limit exists to what even she is capable of. After getting absolutely no closure, not even being able to see the perpetrator brought to justice, you're left to pick up the pieces. You've always been the type to deal with things on your own, finding it selfish to bring your loved ones down with the weight of your pain, but even you have to draw the line somewhere. 

Perhaps that dream had been a sign -- some type of cosmic warning for what was soon to come -- because that line was crossed today. 

Her family requested for you to return to your home town and celebrate her life with them. The invitation was extended to everyone she had touched before her life was taken, and even those who wished to show their support despite not having the privilege of knowing her personally. You agreed, and spent the day surrounded by people just as sad as you.

It was strange, at first; being back in the place you had so desperately tried to run from to escape the reality of what happened. But seeing all of them again reopened wounds that had never really gotten the chance to heal in the first place. Her parents' faces, so tired and troubled beneath the mask they attempted to put on, struck a chord within you. Her brother tried to be strong for them, you could tell -- but upon hearing his stifled sobs coming from upstairs, you could see how much it all still affected him. Your old friends were there as well, and their stories of your shared escapades only broke your heart more. It was a physical pain now, the once dull pinch giving way to a full blown ache. As you walked around her house, replaying all of your experiences with her, you felt empty again. 

She meant so much to everyone she ever uttered a word to, and yet she was gone in the blink of an eye. You'd think that someone as incredible as her would get some sort of divine protection, if you will -- a blanket of defense against such a cruel fate. But life works in ways we don't understand, and we have to find a way to deal with that. You'd hoped returning here would help you on that quest, but you've come to learn that no one really has access to that elusive answer. 

Though the day brought on the reunion of so many of you, it ended just as it had started: none of you any closer to closure. It would take time, no doubt, but you wished more than anything that the road to peace was a little shorter. 

-----

Rosé

Sweet, incredible Rosé. She waltzed into your life two months after the incident. A breath of fresh air in every way, she brought light back into your life. She refused to stand by and watch as you slowly destroyed yourself, letting the walls crash down around you. She made everything secure again, successfully keeping you sane and grounded. 

Falling in love with her was never something you saw coming. The emotions took their time in building up, every considerate thing she did for you adding to your list of reasons for loving her. It all accumulated until you couldn't hide it anymore, and even she could tell that she was getting through to you. Your fragile heart seemed to forget about its brokenness, because it soared at the mere sight of her. 

The day she asked you to be her girlfriend was an emotional one, to say the least. You accepted without hesitation, but a nagging voice in the back of your mind suggested that being with Rosie was a treasonous act. Trying to move on felt wrong; your confused heart sent mixed signals, thinking it possible to wait for your ex's return. 

But Rosie dealt with it perfectly -- better than you could have ever wished for. Not one time did she try to take your ex's place; she always respected your process and boundaries, and she never drew comparisons between your relationships. Rosé knew from the get-go that times would get rough, but she never shied away. Arguments happened, as they do with any couple, but she watched her tone and always took time to think before she spoke. 

Constantly, she worked to get you to let her in. Sometimes -- rarely -- she succeeded. On the nights that you found yourself crying over her again, your heart aching like usual, Rosie was always next to you in an instant. She hated seeing you so distant and hard on yourself, and she vowed from the beginning that she would be a positive influence in your life. 

------

The Birthday

2 weeks ago, Rosé had requested today off in order to be by your side. Your ex's birthday is today, and Rosé knows you'll need her more than you're willing to admit. 

"Baby, wake up. Let's get some breakfast." 

She rolls over to wake you with a kiss, only to find you already sitting up with tears in your eyes. She reaches up to wipe them away, but you dodge her hand before she can. That's what she can't stand. Having you push her away, effectively keeping her at arm's length, hurts her so much more than you know.

Although she's talented at reading you, truth be told Rosé has absolutely no idea how today will go. You've yet to experience a day like today -- your ex's birthday -- without her here, and even you don't know what'll happen. Your mood is capable of changing in a whipstitch, so you'll have to see how the day plays out.

"Y/N, please." Her eyes are pleading as you look at her again, and they rake over your sad features. Your bottom lip trembles as more tears threaten to overflow, and you sink your teeth into it to quiet yourself. Wordlessly, you do as she asks: you press your forehead against hers and let out a broken sigh as she strokes your arm. Her touch is comforting beyond belief, and you can't help but feel like you don't deserve it. Constantly putting her through the same shit makes you feel like a terrible person. 

"You're too good to me." 

She goes to shush you like always, but you don't drop it this time. 

You gently scoot away from her, meeting her eyes as she mimics your actions and raises her head. 

"I can see that it gets to you, Rose. I hate myself for hurting you… I just keep letting you down."

She's prepared to ease your fears from the start, not willing to get into an argument right now. "Stop, okay? I knew what I was signing up for when we started dating. I'm a big girl, Y/N. I can decide when I want to stay and when I want to go. I knew from the beginning that we would have these struggles, and none of it has made me change my mind about you."

Her words make your heart flutter, but you still have plenty on your mind to discuss with her.

"You deserve someone without so much baggage. I can't pretend like I'm not still affected by it."

"When have I ever asked you to do that?" She cocks her head to the side, quirking an eyebrow as she waits for you to respond. 

"You don't have to, babe. Seeing what it does to you is confirmation enough." You shrug lightly, allowing your eyes to break away from hers for a moment as you gather up what other words you want to say.

"You'll never admit it, not to the full extent, anyway, but I know I'm hurting you. That's the last thing I want; you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy." 

"Jagi, do you really think our relationship makes me unhappy? I'll admit that this isn't always easy, but no relationship is, and never once have I even thought of leaving. You seem to forget about yourself in all of this; your happiness is just as important as mine."

She chooses to ignore the self-deprecating scoff you let out at her last sentence, opting to just continue with her train of thought; convincing you to value yourself is a battle for another day.

"So please, let me in. I want us to get through this." 

"I do too, baby. So so much. I just can't help but think you could find someone better. I'm a fucking charity case at this point." You drop your head now, avoiding eye contact at all costs. You know she'll be upset with you for thinking so lowly of yourself, but her disappointment almost certainly pales in comparison to the contempt you hold for yourself.

With a heavy, tired sigh, Rosé hooks two fingers underneath your chin and gently lifts your head. "Y/N, look at me. I don't know how to make it any clearer to you: you are the person I want to be with. I want you in my future, and in order to make that happen I'm more than willing to help you deal with your past. I know it's not simple; I know it's never going to be easy; but I want you. All the strings attached."

You blink at the sincerity behind her words, a bit taken aback that she's so steadfast in her decision to stay with you. You've spent so much time convincing yourself that she's only with you because she feels sorry for you that you were blind to the true extent of her love. It's consistent and unwavering, and you've never felt more valued than when you're with her. To her, you never were nor will you ever be a charity case; she loves you because you're imperfect; because you need her just as much as she needs you. 

"Okay." 

The simple word from you is more than enough to put Rosie at ease, and she doesn't even try to stop the smile that spreads across her cheeks as you pull her into your lap for a hug.

A light squeak from the bedsprings serves as the only sound in your room as you silently hold one another. She knows that 'okay' was your way of telling her you're ready to let her in. 

"I love you." You whisper against her neck, allowing your lips to brush against her soft skin. Both of your collars are wet with tears following the emotional moment you just had, but neither of you care. 

"I love you, too, baby." She returns, pressing a kiss to your temple. 

After spending a moment just holding one another, communicating your emotions through light touches and kisses, you lift up onto your knees and lay her back onto the bed. She cups your cheeks, loving how they feel beneath her fingertips as you stare into her eyes. Your hands sit on either side of her torso to hold you up, keeping you in place as you smile down at her. Intimate moments like these hold a special place in her heart, and she can never get enough of them.

"I'm so afraid of losing you, Rosie. God, you have no idea how much the thought of it terrifies me." You shut your eyes now, willing away the images of a life without her.

For some reason she had never really considered that to be a cause for your unreachability before. Looking back now, it makes perfect sense; losing someone so close to you in such an unexpected way can definitely make you afraid of getting close to people again. What if you lose them, too?

"I can't predict the future, my love, but I can promise you that I'll spend the rest of my days on this Earth next to you. And I'll find you in whatever comes after, too; you're not getting away from me that easy." 

The last sentence is playful, and you smirk at her lightheartedness. She knows just what to say to lighten the mood.

"You're the greatest." You say, leaning down to capture her full lips in a meaningful kiss. She hums into it, pulling you flush against her body as she flips you over. 

"Oh really?" She teases, pressing feather-light kisses to your jaw. She can feel your heartbeat pick up, and she grins cockily at the effect she has on you.

"M-mhm." You mutter out with a slight stutter, tracing your hands down her body before letting them rest on her hips. 

"Why don't you show me, then?" She's straddling you now, and she pulls away from your neck to gaze down into your darkening eyes. 

Soon the room is filled with a high pitched squeal as you pounce, pushing her backwards until her back hits the mattress again. 

"As you wish, princess." You say, giving her a little salute before kissing her again. 

She smiles against your lips and lets out a joyous giggle at your antics. 

-------

The Second Anniversary 

"Are you ready, baby?" She asks, turning to look at you and gauge your reaction. 

You let out a jagged breath, the air leaving your lungs a bit unevenly as you try to steady yourself.

With a nod, you exit the car and walk around to open Rosie's door. "Such a gentlewoman." She says, garnering a genuine smile from you. Her playful tone calms you, and you peck her lips in a sweet kiss. 

"Come on, let's go inside." 

At your words, she slips her hand into yours and the two of you begin your journey towards the house. 

The rest of the day goes by better than you had ever imagined possible: Rosé joined conversations easily, and she offered plenty of comfort to everyone in need of it. Her presence is enough to lessen anyone's pain, but she truly showed her skills today. 

Towards the end of the celebration, your ex's parents pulled you away from everyone else and into the hallway for a private word.

"We want you to come visit her, with us." 

Your first instinct is to adamantly refuse, but the looks on their faces are enough to give you pause. No amount of time can make up for the loss they've had to endure, and you know they wouldn't have asked unless they really needed you there. 

"Okay, we'll be there." 

They pull you in for a hug, and Rosé tears up at the emotional moment. She sends you an understanding look once you eventually meet her gaze from across the room, and you give her a sad smile in return. 

----

The Visit

"Hey, baby; it's us again. Everybody came by earlier and it was so nice."

"You would've loved it, baby girl. We all miss you so much." 

They hold each other close as they take turns speaking to her, their voices a little stronger than you remember them being last year. Slowly but surely, they're learning to adjust to life without their daughter. 

You turn your head to the side, burying your face in Rosé's hair to distract yourself from the sadness creeping in. You hadn't come back to the cemetery since her funeral, so even just standing there causes the memories to come flooding back. Rosie's grip on you is strong, and you thank her for that; without her you'd surely be a wreck by now. 

A few minutes later, her parents step to the side and look over to you in a wordless request for you to say something. 

"Hey, champ." You crouch down next to her tombstone, missing the way her parents smile at the old nickname you used to call each other. 

"It's me. I hope you're happy up there… you deserve to be. You'd better save us some good seats." You tease, reaching up to dust some dirt off of the sleek surface of stone. The material is beginning to become rougher, you note to yourself.

"Thank you for taking such good care of Y/N. I owe you the world." Rosie smiles bittersweetly, resting her hand on your shoulder as she looks down at the picture on the tombstone. 

Something -- some unmistakable force, a gut feeling -- tells you to look up. You listen to it, slowly raising your head until you can see the expanse of the cemetery in front of you. The evening sun is giving way to a breathtaking sunset, and the remaining golden rays filter in through the leaves of the tall trees overhead. A flash of brown hair catches your eye, and you almost gasp at what you see.

There she is.

Your ex -- well, more specifically, the ghost of her -- stands amidst the tree line that borders the property. She raises a hand up to wave at you, offering a peaceful smile as she glances between Rosie and you. You smile your own lopsided grin at her, and soon after, she fades away completely. 

Inconspicuously, you look up at her parents. They have a knowing look on their face as you stand up and loop an arm around Rosé's waist, pulling her in close to rest your forehead against hers. She kisses your cheek before using her finger to poke the soft surface adorably.

"Ya know," her father starts, pulling your attention away from your girlfriend. 

"She visits us too, sometimes." He finishes with a smile.

A content feeling settles within your chest at his words, and you let out a soft sigh.