#ghost writing

“I heard what you’re saying. All three of you,” Thomas said with only mild aggravation. “But we all spent the whole day looking up death echoes and we didn’t find much aside from the fact that they exist and they’re usually more active around the anniversary of the death they represent. I can’t avoid my house forever and my living room is big enough to fit everyone. If it’s there…” Thomas shrugged. “I just want to go home. Maybe it was stronger yesterday because that was the day it happened and it will be gone today. And that’s wishful thinking, not denial,” Thomas was quick to clarify.

“If it’s there, we’re leaving.” Talyn said. “I watched you die once when I was too late to stop it and I never want to have to do that again.”

“That’s… fair.” Thomas winced.

“What, you thought you were the only one traumatized by yesterday?” Virgil asked in a snide tone, from where he was laying across the top of a backseat in a way that would have totally blocked Joan’s view of the rear-view window if they could see him.

Kind of, yes. “Sorry. You guys don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

Talyn looked back, a very judgmental eyebrow raised. "You really think either of us would let you deal with this talk alone?"

"I don't know that 'alone' is something I really can be anymore." Thomas pointed out. "Now that my imaginary friends are not-so-imaginary." 

"You were never 'alone' without us before," Janus added. "While we are more 'real' than prior, you did consider us individuals even while acknowledging we were imaginary." 

"So you're saying you can stand in front of all of our friends, most of whom won't have the heads up from last night, and tell them flat out you're undead, and be fine?" Joan asked pointedly.

"I-" Thomas glanced at Janus. 

"You're not going to be fine either way," Janus said bluntly. "And it will be worse without them there, thus I would prefer them to be there." 

"I thought you said you were still all about lying to other people?" Thomas questioned. 

"For your benefit," Janus clarified. "This would be to your detriment. Ergo, I am against it." 

Thomas buried his face in his hands. 

"So what's going on in Imaginary Friend Land?" Joan asked. 

"My former Deceit is making me face that 'fine' isn't on the table for the foreseeable future." Thomas admitted. He slumped out against the car seat and looked out the window. "What if they think I'm a monster? I mean, I am a monster, sort of." 

"You're not a monster, Kiddo. Just a little spooky, like Virgil,remember?" Patton reminded him. 

"Patton, I'm pretty sure if you looked up the definition of 'undead', the word monster would literally be there." 

"Actually Merriam-Webster simply defines undead as 'returned from death by supernatural means'," Logan quoted, appearing suddenly in the seat next to him, causing Thomas to jump. 

"See?" Patton said. 

"It is also of note that all examples given for the word's definitions are fictional, because the undead don't exist," Logan said pointedly. 

"And there goes the hope things were back to normal," Roman bemoaned. 

"Back to normal..." Thomas echoed morosely.

The cat mewled, as if sensing the drop in his mood and climbed up on his chest, purring as she pressed her head against his forehead. Thomas couldn’t help the smile that graced his lips.

“Have you come up with a name for her yet?” Joan asked, also hearing the drop in Thomas’s mood from his voice.

“Coming up with one wasn’t the hard part. Reaching a consensus, on the other hand…” Thomas rolled his eyes. “Patton wants to call her Fluffles, Roman thinks she needs a regal name like Freyja, Virgil went with Mewcipher, Janus thinks calling her ‘Our Little Secret’ is cute, and Remus wants to call her ‘Violin String’, Lin for short.” Thomas rolled his eyes. “And Logan refuses to acknowledge she exists. I kind of like Wisp.” Thomas rubbed the top of her head and she leaned into the touch.

“You do have the clear advantage of being the only one who can tell other people what the cat’s name is.” Talyn pointed out.

Thomas chuckled at the loud offended noises only he could hear coming from most of the Sides, as well as an annoyed huff from Roman. “You’re right, and they do not like that.”

“Sucks to suck,” Joan said, and Thomas couldn’t help but laugh at the even more offended noises.

When they got to his house, Thomas held Wisp in his arms, hoping she just looked like a bundle of fluff to anyone who happened to see her. As quickly as he could, he turned the key in the door and walked in. A quick glance through the kitchenette showed nothing on the couch, so hopefully his death echo would continue not making an appearance.

“See, we’re in the clear,” He said lightly, dropping Wisp gently on the couch, only for Patton to immediately scoop her up.

“That is still so weird.” Talyn said, seeing the ghost cat snuggling with someone he couldn’t see.

“Guess I should clean up a bit before company gets here.” That would at least make Logan happy. Thomas started grabbing stuff off the table. Napkins and soda cans and the box of pizza…the pizza he was eating when…

“Thomas?” Joan asked as his body started to fade and flicker.

“I died here,” Thomas whispered. “I died alone. Just like Remus told me I would.”

“You’re never alone!” Patton reminded him, doing his best to not look at Joan and Talyn’s stricken faces. “We’re always here! And now you’ve got this lovely lady! And your friends to support you.”

“It was so quick.” Thomas seemed lost in his mind. “No time to call for help. Just pain and then nothing. And then…” he seemed to take notice of his fading self. “And then I was this.”

“‘This’ is not a bad thing.” Roman insisted gently. “I will not pretend to like how, but, Thomas, you have been chosen by fate to be the one thing standing between everything we love and an annihilation that would have happened anyway. Because you are ‘this’, they will have a chance to live.”

“As much as Roman will hate it, I agree with him,” Janus said. “We looked oblivion in the eye and are still standing. We have triumphed over death.”

“Plus we can cross ‘dying alone’ off the bucket list,” Remus said gleefully.

“Could you NOT?!” Roman snapped.

“Hey, look at me.” Virgil made sure Thomas’s attention was on him. “It’s going to be okay. And that’s me saying this. Not Patton. Not Princey. Me. And you know me, I don’t sugar-coat things. Was what happened last night horrible? Yes. Did it validate quite a few specific fears of mine? Also yes. Are we going to have nightmares about it for the rest of our existence? Hell to the yes. But it’s also going to get better. You have us. You’ve a bunch of friends who know you’re undead- or at least potentially undead, and they all still love you. And after tonight it’s going to be even more. You don’t have to do any of this alone. This is hella fucking scary. And sad. And all sorts of feelings that Patton’s going to be allergic to. But we’re going to come out the other end better than we’ve ever been. Promise.”

“You can’t promise that.” Thomas muttered.

“Did I or did I not successfully give you CPR as an imaginary friend? Don’t underestimate what I can do, Sanders.” Virgil gave him a crooked smile.

“What am I going to do?” Thomas looked to Joan and Talyn.

Joan bumped into him playfully. “One day at a time, like the rest of us. Today all you have to worry about is getting through telling everyone what happened and we can all work out our next steps, together.”

“I just wanted to come home. I didn’t… I don’t want to be dead.” Thomas’s voice hitched. “Sure my life isn’t perfect, but it’s mine. I’m not ready for it to be over. I’m not ready to move on or fade away. I just… I just want to live.” The last words came out as a broken sob. “I want to be alive. I want to find someone to fall in love with. I want to make my videos and act on stage and eat pizza and hang out with my friends!” The light began to shine out from under his skin again as the flickering became more rapid. “I’m not ready for it to be over!” Tears and snot were pouring down Thomas’s face, and he tried ineffectively to wipe them away.

“Good,” Joan said. “Because we’re not ready for it to be over either.” They put one arm gently over Thomas’s shoulders and thankfully didn’t pass through him. “Even if you’re dead-” Joan tried to hide just how devastated the word made them, “-you’re not gone. You’re still here with us. You can still eat pizza, hang with us, and make videos. And if you can get a handle on the going through things stuff and the turning invisible stuff, you can probably go back to stage work just fine.”

“What you have is probably more like a disability than being dead-dead.” Talyn sat on the opposite side of Thomas. “Maybe you can’t do all the things you did before. Or you have to find new ways to do things because your body can’t do them the way you used to. And maybe some people are going to be weird and gross about it. But fuck them. You’ve got us and Lee and Mary Lee and Terrance and Valerie and, after tonight, everyone else too. We’ve got you, Thomas. We’re not letting you go.” He leaned against Thomas, letting him sob out his feelings. This breakdown was probably overdue from last night, and was also likely to be the first of many.

Thomas pulled them in close and likewise Joan and Talyn started to flicker in and out of visibility. They locked eyes and immediately agreed they weren’t going to mention this, they were just going to go with it. They held onto each other, keeping Thomas in the middle. Virgil opened his mouth to point out what was happening to their friends, but Patton cut him off. “It’s okay,” he said in a kind but firm voice. “We don’t know that,” Virgil argued.

“It’s okay.” Patton repeated. He knelt down besides Thomas and began gently rubbing his back. “Change is hard, even good change. And while Roman’s right and good may yet come of this, right now it’s just painful. Thomas has a lot of feelings right now. I’ve got them all in here.” Patton laid his off hand over his chest. “Bottling them up will just turn them to poison, he needs to get this out. It… it hurts too much to keep them inside.”

Virgil gave him a flat look, knowing Patton knew he wasn’t talking about the crying.

Patton just gave him a soft smile back. He knew it wasn’t Virgil’s forte, but sometimes you just had to have faith that things were okay, because believing otherwise would crush you.

“I’m sorry,” Thomas continued to cry, unclear what he was apologizing for. “I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry about. None of this is your fault.” Joan promised.

“Do you need to not be here?” Talyn asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know anything.” Thomas’s voice hitched.

“Let’s go upstairs,” Talyn suggested. Outside would likely draw attention right now with Thomas’s breakdown, and people would see the flickering and everything would go to hell. But at the same time being on the spot where he died was obviously doing him no favors.

Joan stood, pulling Thomas up with them. He was light, why was he so light? Joan felt they could probably carry Thomas up the stairs in a bridal or fireman carry and not even feel winded. Still, they could save pointing out any strange physiology until after Lee got here.

Thomas nodded and took a deep breath. He looked like he was trying to hold himself together, at least long enough to go up the stairs. It was a tight squeeze, as neither Joan nor Talyn were willing to let go of him, but they made it work.

At least until Joan felt a strange sensation, like earlier with the shelf, and suddenly their leg went through the stair. They tried to catch themself on the railing, but their hand passed through that as well. Thomas let go of both them and Talyn and flattened himself against the wall, doing his best not to touch either of them. “I’m sorry,”

“No big,” Joan said, catching themself before they slid down the staircase and pulling themself back up. “We already know sometimes you phase out what you’re touching. It’s just like earlier with the cereal shelf or your bear.”

“And don’t jump around on the stairs,” Virgil scolded.

“Or what?” Thomas snapped at Virgil. “I might fall, break my neck, and die? I think we missed the boat on that death.” “We can add it to the new bucket list!” Remus said cheerfully.

“Arrrrrrgh,” Thomas groaned in frustration, there were too many emotions in him. Grief and anger and confusion and loss and-

“And we’re not doing this.” Joan grabbed Thomas’s arm and pulled him over their shoulder, said shoulder and face brightly illuminated by the light trying to escape from under Thomas’s skin.

That was enough to shock Thomas out of his spiral. “Since when could you do that?” he yelped, flailing a little.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” Right now, better for Thomas to think Joan was stronger than they looked, rather than Thomas get something else strange about him pointed out. “We know you can channel your powers through things and people you touch. That’s not going to stop us from touching you, moron.”

“But what if you get hurt? What if you die too and it’s because you were around me?”

“Death isn’t contagious,” Talyn pointed out.

“It is if it’s from an infectious disease. Do you think there’s such a thing as ghost prion disease?” Remus asked eagerly.

“No, because ghost don’t have protein to unravel.” Virgil countered. “And even if Thomas did, because he’s still got a body even as a ghost, Joan and Talyn would have to, like, eat his brains to catch it from him, so as long as they don’t get zombified, it’s not an issue. And if they do get zombified, we have much bigger issues.”

“I can’t argue with that,” Thomas sighed.

“Good," Joan said, carrying him into his room and judo flipping him onto the bed.

“Not that I-” Thomas covered his face with his hands. “Imaginary friends conversation.”

“Anything we need to worry about?” Talyn asked.

“We settled on we don’t have to worry if ghost prion disease is a thing because if it is, you’d only catch it if you were zombies eating my brains, and that if that were happening, prion disease would be the least of my worries." There was a sort of weary exasperation in his voice.

Joan and Talyn shared a look. “Remus?”

“Remus,” Thomas sighed in agreement.

“Hate to say it, but given everything in the last twenty-four hours, Remus is probably going to become the biggest bitch of his life. This is not going to be intrusive-thought friendly.”

“Oh I think recent events have been very friendly to me. Not only in terms of material for me to work with, but knowing we’re immortal, and the fun never stops.”

“Oh God, I might be immortal.” Thomas let his head fall to the pillow with a quiet thud. “I’m going to be stuck on Earth long after everyone I love dies and I’ll never get into heaven.”

“Thomas, look at me. I’m going to tell you something everyone with intrusive thoughts would love to hear, but it’s only true in your specific case.” Joan waited until Thomas was looking them in the eye. “You can punch your intrusive thoughts.”

Thomas blinked and the Sides started sharing worried looks between them.

“My intrusive thoughts? They’re just my brain being an asshole to me and I can’t do anything about them except accept they happen and try to move on," Joan continued. "Your intrusive thoughts are a guy named Remus and you can absolutely just punch him in the face.”

“Do it! Do it!” Remus cheered, pointing right at his cheek.

“I might pass on that. Remus, uh, he’s kinda of giving the impression he’d be into it,” Thomas said, more than a little unnerved.

“Come on, Daddy, hit me as hard as you can. I’ve been such a bad little boy.”

“Nope! I am not engaging with that.” Thomas very nearly flipped himself off the bed. “You are a part of my mind, I am begging you, don’t ever call me ‘Daddy’ again.”

“Janus, can’t you shut him up?” Virgil bemoaned, pulling his hoodie tight over his head.

“You think I haven’t tried?” Janus said dryly. “Logan said it enough back when he was in full control of his faculties. One cannot force intrusive thoughts from one’s head. The more I were to try, the more they would be reinforced. Remus cannot be silenced. But perhaps a change in direction?” Janus strode over to Remus and whispered in his ear. “Thomas is already such a wreck, Darling. There’s no challenge in it. But didn’t you say you wanted a shot at the know-it-all who stole my eye?”

“You’re right, it’s no fun when he does half the work for me. And Logan should be fit to explode.” Remus snickered back lightly. “I’ll be back later, Daddy.” Remus waved to Thomas as he sunk out.

“Janus, you are the best self-preservation.” Thomas was almost crying again, this time in relief.

“Remember he’s not gone for good, and he’s going to continue the ‘Daddy’ thing because he knows it bothers you. When he returns you must do your best to tune the name out so he’ll get bored. I already plan on speaking to him later, do not worry.”

“That’s still something. I usually rely on Logan when he gets to be too much.” There was a choking quality to Thomas’s voice. He needed Logan as his Logic now more than ever. But Logan wasn’t Logic anymore, and any advice he’d give would hurt more than it would help. And he’d vanished during the car ride and not shown up since. Was he sulking again, or was Virgil’s earlier statement coming true and he was having a harder time escaping the Mind Palace? “I miss him.”

“We all miss him,” Janus promised solemnly. “And we will all be relieved when he comes to his senses. But until that happy day, we must make do. Patton, might you fetch little Secret? I believe Thomas could use her comfort right now.”

"On it!" Patton gave a silly salute, though the sadness in his eyes betrayed how much Thomas's heartache was still affecting him.

"Excellent. Now Thomas, poor substitute that I am, I am at least going to try and take up Logan's usual torch. You did die last night. There is nothing you, or I, or anyone could do to change that, much as I would love to. But Joan and Talyn raised excellent points as well. You are not gone. Given the standard cost of death, you have lost very little indeed. There are adjustments to be made, but life will go on. And we will make sure of it."

Janus shot a significant look to Roman, who looked taken aback. Janus held the look, but realized Roman was not understanding his significance. Later, then.

"As Talyn suggested, we will be treating this as a disability. I'd like you to take a week off from any work. You may write scripts if the inspiration strikes, but I want you more settled before you try to dive back in. Joan was correct last night in that these changes seem more in tune with your emotions, so I believe the biggest way we can regain control is work on emotional management."

"Like repression?" Virgil wrinkled his nose.

"Dear God, no, that's a recipe for disaster if ever there was one." Janus shuddered. "More the same methods Logan would recommend against Remus on a grander scale. Feeling, emotions, understanding them, but not being overwhelmed by them. Mindfulness and meditation. That being said," Janus put a gentle hand on Thomas's shoulder. "Do not think you are not allowed to grieve what you have lost. Do not think there is any shame in crying or breaking down. You didn't deserve this, Thomas. We may need to keep a lid on things with the world at large, but with your support system- with us, we will be here for you."

“For now let’s get you cleaned up.” Roman suggested. “Looking good and feeling good are tied together, and right now you look a fright.”

Virgil elbowed him hard.

“What?” Roman looked confused as Patton came back in with the cat.

“I think Virgil was thinking saying I looked a fright would be reminding me I’m a spooky ghost.” Thomas sighed. “But you’re not wrong. I’ll splash some cold water on my face so I can be somewhat presentable when everyone shows up. I’ll grab her in a moment, Patton, since historically cats don’t like water.” Did that apply to ghost cats? Who knew? Not him. He pushed himself the rest of the way off the bed and into the bathroom.

“Okay, Imaginary Friends, real talk, real fast.” Talyn clapped his hands together, staring at the cat since that was the general direction he thought they all were in. “You guys need to be a lot more circumspect in public than you have been. It’s fine around us, since we know. But if Thomas starts doing this around other people, it might be a problem. So just keep quiet or in his head around strangers, cool?”

Patton nodded the cat’s head up and down to show they were listening. She squeaked indignantly.

“That works,” Talyn acknowledged, taking a moment to internalized just how weird life had become in the last twenty-four hours.

“Also Roman, as Thomas is out of the room for a few minutes, we must speak quickly,” Janus interjected.

Roman crossed his arm in challenge. “About what?”

“You are the key to Thomas’s future.”

“Really? Because it sounds like you’re trying to butter me up again?” Roman snarked back.

Janus pinched his nose. He didn’t have the time or patience for this. “Roman, everything I suggested to Thomas will help with the problems he has now. However, there is a far greater problem coming up that we cannot ignore.”

“Thomas may well be as immortal as Remus claims, but it is an immortality that will only last while existence itself does. We are the sole thing standing between our world and it’s end. We don’t know how long till the cracks will start to show, but when they do…” Janus looked to the bathroom where they could still hear the water running. “Thomas will have to stand up. He will have to be brave, confident, a hero. And that? That’s going to be on you. You are his confidence. His courage. You are his hero, so you will have to guide him. Patton’s too soft, Virgil too scared, myself too selfish, Remus too chaotic, and Logan too delusional. We can keep him in one piece, but you have to light his way forward. I wish I could ask you if you were up for it, but there is no room for questions. You must be.”

Roman gulped, looking visibly nervous. “A prince does not back down.”

“Because you learn everything Thomas doesn't want to think about and can use it against him,” Virgil accused.

“Bzzz. Wrong. I already know everything Thomas hates thinking about. Every thought that’s ever embarrassed or horrified him comes straight to me.” Remus laughed. “I mean, I could tell Nico what your hard limits are. And how you found them out. In detail.” Remus gave a grin that was just begging for the excuse.

“...I think we need to work on having a safeword between us.” Thomas glowered.

“Oooo.” Remus perked up. “Didn’t think you’d be into selfcest. I keep telling Roman, everyone wants to ride the mustache.”

“I meant for personal boundaries, you walking libido.” Thomas’s face was as red as the tomatoes Roman had been chopping. “If it makes this conversation end, fine. Nothing with humiliation or degradation.”

“Easy. Not the biggest fan of those myself,” Nico readily agreed.

“But they’re so fun. Right, Logie?”

“Still not going to spank you with a cricket bat while you wear a dunce cap, Remus,” Logan called in, not looking up from the book he was reading. Patton was sitting next to him, as red as Thomas.

“One day. Anyways, that’s not your only limits,” Remus said in a sing-song voice.

“That’s not my only limit in action. We’re not discussing actually doing them, we’re discussing sexy thoughts. Nico can think about the other things all he wants,” Thomas retorted.

Remus looked like he was about to argue, but pouted, realizing Thomas had a point. “Fine. Next point, hickies for science!”

“Remus!”

“Hey, it’s win-win. Either you help Patty-cakes figure out his power, or you get to keep a badge of Nico’s affection that everyone can see. There’s no losing.”

“Everything is losing,” Thomas muttered.

Virgil sighed. “I volunteer as hickey tribute,” he said, raising his hand.

“I’m sorry, what?” Even Remus was taken completely off guard.

“Don’t make such a big deal out of it. Right now you’re got Thomas so embarrassed, he won’t enjoy it, and that can settle into negative connotations later, and you did promise not to make Nico a negative connotation. Besides, we did all that vampire stuff last night and maybe I’m more into it than I thought?” Virgil admitted.

“If you’re expecting a hickey from me to be anywhere near as good as a bite from Vampire Thomas, you are setting yourself up for a disappointment,” Nico warned.

“I know you can’t do, like, an actual magical vampire bite,” Virgil assured him. “But I also just…” He was starting to turn red as well.

“I’m so proud of you!” Roman reached over and gave Virgil a one-armed hug. “Look at you deciding you liked something and communicating that instead of writing it off as something that would only go wrong.”

“S’not a big deal.” Virgil muttered before shaking his head. “Now in the immortal words of Nico last night, ‘Bite me’.”

Roman chuckled and pushed Virgil forward gently. Nico couldn’t say he wasn’t nervous at the thought of kissing with an audience. But in the end his audience was entirely made up of his boyfriend, so it shouldn’t matter.

Nico ducked his head and gently kissed Virgil’s neck, feeling the warm skin on his lips before he plucked up his courage and went in, sucking Virgil’s skin into his mouth and breaking the delicate blood vessels in his skin. The sharp intake of air from Virgil was satisfying to hear, and Nico was glad his darker skin didn’t show blushing as easily.

Virgil’s pale skin, on the other hand, showed bruising very easily and Nico could see his handiwork as soon as he pulled away. As well as a flush that covered Virgil’s cheeks and up to the tips of his ears.

“Definitely not asexual,” Virgil muttered, then blushed even harder.

“See, we’re all learning such fun things.” Remus clapped his hands.

“Could you not?” Roman hissed. “Let Virgil have his moment of bliss.”

“I don’t see what the big deal with me giving commentary is?” Remus rolled his eyes. “I’m literally Thomas’s sexual urges and desires. That means whenever sexy times do happen, I’m going to be involved one way or another.”

“Remus, if you want to ensure I’m celibate for the rest of my life, you’re doing a great job,” Thomas bemoaned.

Remus’s eyes nearly popped out of his skull. “What, no! Why would you do that?”

“Because it’s usually a private, intimate thing and the idea of someone always watching you do it is really freaking Thomas out. And me. I don’t know, but probably Roman.” Virgil was shrinking away now. “Actually he’s your brother. It’s definitely worse for Roman.”

“Instant desire-killer,” Roman confirmed.

“Oh come on.” Remus threw his hands in the air. “Ugh. Padre, get in here and heal Virgil, so I can get Logan to want to do more hickeys for testing and we can get the hormones pumping again.”

“And there’s the ulterior motive,” Roman sighed.

“I’m sorry, was that being Remus’s primary motive ever in question?” Virgil asked.

“Yes. There was always the chance he was making people uncomfortable for the sake of making them uncomfortable,” Roman countered wearily.

“Touche.” Virgil shrugged.

“It’s not fair!” Remus grumped. “If Logan wants to fulfill his purpose by having Thomas learn something new, it’s fine. If Roman wants to be fulfilled by Thomas writing and singing a new song, it’s fine. Just like it’s fine when Patton wants to make a charity donation, and Virgil wants to check the locks, and Janus wants to take a self-care day. But when I want to fulfill my purpose by wanting Thomas to have hot steamy marathon sex that would rock his and Nico’s world it’s just, ‘Remus, No!’. It’s not fair.”

“It’s not,” Patton agreed, leaning in from the living room partition. “And it’s frustrating. But think of it this way. If Thomas rushes into a physical relationship, there’s more of a chance of something going sour and that would mean an end to, um… that sort of thing. For a very long time, because Thomas isn’t good about making connections at the best of times and these are really not the best of times. By taking their time and making sure everything goes as smoothly as possible, they’re making sure their relationship is more secure and longer lasting. And I know it’s too early to say, but hopefully permanent.” Patton blushed. “Not pressuring either of you, mind. But also not opposed.”

“What Patton’s trying to say without saying is no sex for now will equate to much more sex later, whereas rushed sex now will lead to no sex, likely for years. So you just have to be patient." Logan adjusted his glasses. “Now can we proceed with the experiment? I would like to collect our first data point before breakfast comes out of the oven.”

“Why didn’t he just say that?” Remus grumbled. “Come on, Patton. Sex. It’s not a four letter word, it’s only three.”

Patton did his best to ignore Remus’s words, brushing his fingers against Virgil’s neck. As with Remus, nothing happened.

“Huh, really thought that would work,” Remus said, immediately distracted.

“You also thought it was the severity of the injury?” Logan asked.

“Nah, I thought it was because Patty-cakes didn’t like me, but couldn’t admit it even to himself. But Virgil’s, like, the youngest brother who gets doted on, so that’s not it.”

“I am not the youngest just because I have this stupid baby-face,” Virgil grumped.

“Remus, I wouldn’t-” Patton looked aghast.

“You wouldn’t want to believe that of yourself. But we’ve all seen you can be a bit more lilypad than lily-white Morality.” Remus leered.

Nico had no idea what any of that meant, but it was obvious everyone else did, as Patton shrunk away and most of the others looked deeply uncomfortable.

“Of course Patton’s not racist.” Logan snorted. “He is literally Morality.”

“He-what-no?” Remus looked utterly confused, which wasn’t a look Nico had often seen on him. “What does that have to do with anything I said?”

“The ‘Lily-White’ Movement was a white supremacist's movement in the Republican party during the late nineteenth and early twentieth century,” Logan answered, matter of fact.

“Logan, I- uh, think Remus meant the ‘lacking fault/irreproachable/pure’ definition of lily-white,” Thomas suggested.

“Ah, that does make more sense in context. Now that we know severity of injury was not a deciding factor, we can narrow down more variables. For instance, it may be Patton can only use his power once in a twenty-four hour period.”

“Or maybe it only works on his one true love!” Roman eagerly suggested.

Apparently, they were just moving on past that.

“I don’t think so,” Patton hedged, eager to get away from anything involving the word ‘lilypad’. “Nico isn’t my true love. He’s great, but I have no romantic interest in him. Unless you meant love more familial, ‘cause he’s one of my kiddos, but if that were the case it would have worked on Virgil.”

Roman pouted. “But he’s Thomas’s true love and aren’t we all Thomas at the end of the day?”

“We are, as much as we aren’t. There’s no good answer for that.” Logan countered.

“Do you think perception of injury is a factor?” Virgil put out. “Like, this morning when he saw Nico’s bruise, all he could think of was Nico being hurt. But he was also here to hear how much I actually wanted the hickey, so maybe subconsciously he doesn’t see it as an injury any more than, like, a pierced ear?”

“Possible.” Logan noted it down. “Sadly, that would put us back to self-harm for a purposeful test. We would have to wait until a natural occurring injury happened to test that. Though the bruise should stay as long as Virgil doesn’t reset, so we can test the cooldown time theory. I chose twenty-four hours arbitrarily, but we can test it at an hourly rate, and if Patton’s power does activate, we can further narrow it down.” 

“Sorry,” Patton apologized.

“Don’t be,” Thomas assured him. “You’ll have a really cool and useful power once we can figure out how it works, and in the meantime, you know Logan loves a puzzle.”

“I truly do.” The oven beeped. “Excellent, breakfast.”

“Should someone check on Janus?” Nico asked. “He’s the only one that hasn’t shown up today, and he usually likes to be out and about.”

“I’ll check on him.” Patton sunk out, leaving Thomas to wince and rub his temples.

He rose up in the mindscape in front of Janus’s door and knocked. “Janus, we’re having breakfast, if you’d like to join us.”

“Go away!” Janus snapped.

That took Patton aback a bit. He’d seemed to be having fun last night, and was in as good a mood as any of them with the success of The Court of Blood. “Janus, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I am completely fine and happy and not jealous of anyone at all. Over anything.”

Well, that was something, at least. But what was Janus jealous of? “Is this about Nico?”

Janus scoffed. “Despite what Roman might believe, this world revolves around more than romance.”

Patton knew Janus's intonations well enough to know that he was speaking the truth this time. Nico was not the subject of his jealousy. “Then what’s wrong? If you tell me, we can work through it.”

“No, we can not,” Janus answered in a clipped voice. “Now go away. Please.”

The genuine, pleading tone almost did Patton in. Janus never sounded like that, never let any level of vulnerability show. Janus was serious about this.

Unfortunately, so was Patton. “I won’t come in without your permission. But I’m not leaving either. You’re part of our family and you’re hurting. I’ll wait out here till you’re ready to talk.”

“You’ll be waiting a while.”

“I don’t mind.” And he didn’t. Patton sat down with his back to the door and just waited. It was nice, in a way. Everything had been so hectic that taking in the time and the peace was nice.

Still, it was less than five minutes before Janus opened the door. “You are insufferable,” he said flatly. “I suppose you might as well come in.” He led Patton into the deceitful version of Thoma’s kitchenette/living room. It was warmer and more humid than the one in the real world and had an almost hazy look to it.

“It looks really terrible in here,” Patton said, before slapping his hand over his mouth. “That was exactly what I meant to say,” he tried.

Janus rolled his eyes. “Did you forget this is my room?” He ladled something from a crock pot in a cup and handed it to Patton. “Drink this. It will help.”

Patton took a sip of what turned out to be beautifully mulled wine and took a moment to enjoy it. “That was delicious. Oh, I’m speaking normally again.”

Janus smirked, lifting up the ladle. “In vino veritas. A sip of wine will help you stay honest against the effects of my room.”

Patton took another sip. “It that why you drink it so often?”

Janus seemed to mull over the question. “To a degree. It’s not that it keeps my words honest, but contrary to alcohol’s normal effects it keeps me somewhat sharp. I am Deceit and it would be all too easy for me to be as consumed by lies as Virgil can be by anxiety or Roman his dreams. Wine keeps me from falling into that trap. I can’t afford to miss threats, but by the same token, there’s no need to see them where they don’t exist.”

“Good to know.” Patton nodded. “So what’s got you so bothered?”

Janus bit his lip. “Can I convince you to leave it be?”

“No. Because it’s hurting you. And I want to help.” Patton insisted.

“There is nothing that can be done to help,” Janus insisted. “I simply must deal with the cards I am dealt.”

“Then I’ll help you deal with them. Whatever it takes,” Patton promised.

Janus looked to the sky as if praying for strength, the closed his eyes. “I despise my power.”

“Your venom?”

“The whole thing!” Janus threw his arms up, splashing wine from his ladle. “I hate that my power is something that isn’t useful in Thomas’s life. I hate that it’s not subtle or clever. I hate that the fangs give Thomas dysphoria unless he uses Remus’s power to morph them away. I hate that practicing with our venom makes Thomas feel disgusting. I hate everything about it. And it’s even worse that Roman and Remus loved their powers, both of which would have also suited me and I would have adored having. And while Virgil’s power is no more useful to Thomas than my own, he at least enjoys it for dramatic purposes.”

“At first, Remus was… Remus was a threat, and I could at least know I was the last line of defense. And neither you nor Logan had a power, so I could tell myself it was something. But Remus is behaving, as much as he is able, and you and Logan have both discovered your own gifts and they are wonderfully suited to you, and I am once again stuck being the disgusting snake man.”

“You’re not disgusting, Janus.” Patton was quick to assure. “You’re easily the most elegant and dapper of us. And I’ve never heard Thomas say he thinks your power is gross either.”

“Because Thomas has tact.” Janus rolled his eyes. “In order to use my power, I must be in his head. I know exactly how he feels every time he has to squeeze his venom glands or feel our venom flow through his teeth. I’m only glad it’s warm for him, or it would be worse.”

“For him? Why would it be warm for him if it isn’t for you?” Patton asked, confused. “Shouldn’t it be exactly the same?”

Janus pinned him with a look, one eyebrow raised. “Our venom glands are at body temperature. Only one of us is warm-blooded.”

Huh, Janus was still cold-blooded in his human form? How would that work? He’d have to ask Logan. Wait, no. That would be rude.

“Venom collection is something that makes Thomas uncomfortable, but he was at least becoming desensitized to it. But having Nico see him do it made the self-consciousness return with a vengeance. I hate everything about my power. While it would come in useful in a life or death situation, the odds of us encountering said situation are quite low, which means the only thing my so-called ‘power’ does is make Thomas feel uncomfortable in his body. So, yes. I hate it. And I’m bitterly jealous that everyone gets something better.”

“You have it, but at least you can use it.”

Janus’s eyes widened at the sheer bitterness in Patton’s voice. “Exactly how much of my wine did you drink? I don’t think I gave you that much.”

“But, it’s true. Once everyone figured out what their power was, they knew immediately how to use it. I haven’t been able to figure out how to so much as even turn it on again. Logan’s going over all these variables and says everyone’s still figuring things out, but that not true. They’re figuring out new things with their powers. None of the others need help activating their power once they knew what it was. But I healed one bruise and suddenly it’s like I’m back to not having a power. What do I do if Thomas gets hurt? Keep poking him and hope maybe my power works? I know I’m not the smartest side, but why am I the only one too stupid to get it?”

“You’re not stupid, Patton. You are, at worst, naive,” Janus assured him. “There must be more to this than we are seeing. While we have set precedent amongst ourselves, the bald truth is we know nothing about what’s happening to us or Thomas as the result of him being a meta. And even if he were comfortable going to a doctor, they would not know either, given how new this phenomena is. I cannot say why you don’t have an instinctive knowledge of your power any more than I can say why everyone else gets a power they like and I don’t. But it is not that you’re stupid.”

“I guess we’ll just have to settle for being useful to Thomas in the same way we’ve always been.” Patton said, though the sad look he gave Janus said he knew that wasn’t enough for either of them. “I guess all we can do is join them for breakfast.”

“You should go without me.” Janus sighed. “Today is a day of celebration. Roman’s grandest illusion yet. Nico’s story getting off the ground. New discoveries for Logan. I would only bring the mood down and not even receive any satisfaction for the trouble. No, I will stay here until the bitterness is manageable. You are welcome to join me.”

Patton was surprised at how tempting that was, for all he was looking forward to breakfast with the others. There was something nice and cozy about Janus’s room, and even more than that, freeing. He hadn’t wanted to say how frustrated the situation made him, not when Thomas was still barely accepting of his powers and the changes they brought to his life. “I don’t want to stay, but they’re not waiting for me.” Patton blinked and took another sip of wine.

“And if you decline to return, they’ll worry.” Janus nodded his head in understanding. “Still, if you wish to come by later, feel free. Sometimes the best way to be rid of a frustration is to vent it. And I’m always up for a bitch session. I’ll even share the wine.”

“I’ll bring some snacks,” Patton promised with a smile.

Janus shared a warm grin with him. “Now, shoo. Enjoy your frittata.”

“Of course I will. It was made with love.” Patton beamed.

“That would be an actual seasoning to you.” Janus rolled his eyes fondly. “Maybe bring some of your scrapbooking supplies as well as snacks. We can have a good old fashioned stitch and bitch.”

Patton tried not to react to the name. “I thought those were for fiber arts stuff? Like sewing and knitting?”

“I won’t tell if you won’t.” Janus winked.

Patton laughed. “So what craft are you bringing?”

“You’ll just have to show up to see.” Janus said coyly. “You’d best get back now before Roman tries to save you from me again.” Janus shooed Patton out, and it was only after he left that Janus realized something.

His smile was real.

It had been so long, hadn’t it, since he had something to look forward to. After they’d manifested, everything seemed to be about keeping Thomas’s- their heads above water. And he’d been careful not to be in the mindscape more than necessary outside sleep, so Thomas wouldn’t have to deal with the fangs.

It had made him miss some of the amenities they were used to. Being able to conjure things they needed and food they wanted. It felt downright decadent after spending so much time in stark reality.

Perhaps today would be self-care for himself. Thomas had already suffered the indignity of making venom samples for Logan, having the fangs for the rest of the day shouldn’t be more of a hardship. He could relax and pamper himself while waiting for Patton to return. He might be a lying snake, but he was no hypocrite. And maybe if he could get Patton to actually vent his frustrations, he wouldn’t repress so much. That would make Remus happy.