#ghazali

Anger at his own cowardice.

Sadness at his own incompetence.

Relief at living yet to see another day.

Guilt at his own selfishness.

Multiple emotions struck at once. And where Dos stood, in mere seconds, he'd dashed over to her as if his body had its own mind.

Override Mode, that was the phrase blinking over IRIS's now blurred screen.

He was out before he knew it.

When Ali woke up at the safehouse, he was given a summary of their successful mission:

Ali in his newly discovered Override Mode retrieved Azurium.

The mission was a success.

Dos was detained and was now in interrogation.

The mission was a success.

They lost a teammate.

The mission was a success.

Dissociation was not a word Ali was familiar with, but it was thrown a lot while the other agents talked over him, some familiar and some new.

A man called Karya was looking down at him, his voice gentle with a melodic tune to it. Another called Leon was less graceful in his approach, but he left a gentle but firm squeeze on Ali's shoulder after repeating Agent Karya's words, only in fewer words.

There was a woman, Geetha, who simply gave him a piece of chocolate before leaving to join the rest of the agents.

Uncle Bakar hugged him tightly while Ali rubbed the chocolate between his fingers, watching it slowly melt from his body's heat. Comot remained silent at his feet.

"Alicia's dead, huh." Ali hummed to which Uncle Bakar hugged him tighter.

"Mrow..." Comot nuzzled his feet.

It was only when he returned to the safe confines of his room, when nobody else could disturb him under his blanket, that everything finally dawned on him.

Alicia was dead.

All because of him.

With Comot snuggled deep into his chest, he weeped.

ii. 

Alicia's funeral was somber. Or so he heard through the phone.

With nothing but ash remaining, she was promptly buried with no further cremation. Not that those outside the agency needed to know the detail. Her uncles were the one who took care of everything, while her dad was nowhere to be found per Uncle Bakar's words.

Being a general for MATA was tough. Couldn't even attend his own daughter's funeral. Or maybe he was grieving in his bed too, like Ali was doing right now.

Ali hadn't announced his desire to be left alone, but everyone understood, so now only Comot remained at his side. Communications were either done through texts or between the barrier that was his room door whenever dad brought him food.

"Mrow?"

"I'm not okay, if that's what you're asking."

Comot whimpered, her ears deflating.

When Ali thought he could get some more shut eye, a knock on the door reminded him that he forgot to lock it, evident from the person on the other side shamelessly barging in.

Not that Ali had the energy to care.

"Ali, the General wants to see you," Agent Karya said, not even explaining how he got into the house in the first place. "We'll be downstairs waiting for you."

After deliberating whether he should obey or chance his early demise, he decided he needed a different scenery that was more than just the white of his ceiling.

Agent Rama was stoic, emotionless upon the knowledge that his beloved daughter perished under his watch. With that unemotional state as well he invited Ali to sit on the couch, while the man himself stood in front of the television.

There were several scenarios Ali had drawn inside his head, about why the General would even bother seeing him in person, Agent Karya standing watch like they were a pair of an interrogator and a prisoner. He expected accusations, he prepared himself against the onslaught of unbridled fatherly rage… yet they never came. What came instead was a calm directive, an order like any other. Someone would be put behind bars, and it was not him.

“Ali, I want your testimony against Agent Rizwan.”

iii. 

Protocol Gegas was a taboo, an order unspeakable even in the most dire circumstances. It had been so for the last five years… until it was spoken again by the man standing beside him, bounded by cuffs made of metal and others of shame and guilt.

“Ali Ghazali, you stand before us today to give testimony against Rizwan Malek for his contribution to the death of a fellow junior agent.” Pillar Leader Zain spoke from behind the blackened screen. “Did he, or did he not, order you to initiate Protocol Gegas?”

“He did.” Ali stood tall, crossed hands behind his back to hide his fumbling fingers.

“Are you, or are you not, aware of the implication behind the order?” Pillar Leader Dayang.

“I was previously made aware of it by Junior Agent Alicia and Agent Bakar,” he answered, not too quick, but not too slow, just like he’d rehearsed.

“And you followed your order obediently, leaving your teammate to die?” Pillar Leader Ganz.

“Indecision is a decision. By the time I got over my shock, it was too late.”

“Agent Rizwan, what do you have to say against the accusations?” Pillar Leader Zain spoke again.

“Five years ago, the three of you allowed the same tragedy in the name of Cyberaya’s wellbeing. Agent Djin is no longer with us today,” he defended himself, tone defiant and deflecting the blame onto their judges.

There was a low growl coming from Agent Ganz’s screen, but Agent Dayang addressed Agent Rizwan first.

“And what makes you think what happened back then was comparable to the transgression you committed, all for an insignificant jar of Azurium?”

Agent Rizwan’s lips tightened, unable to rebut her words. Agent Ganz picked up where she left off.

“Rizwan Maliq. Today, you are hereby stripped of your Agent status. You are to be incarcerated as a criminal, never to step foot again beyond your jail cell. Dismissed.”

Ali didn’t look at the man’s face, too shaken to even walk steadily on the platform that led to the exit. A pair of robot guards standing watch by the doorway went inside to drag Agent Rizwan to his new home. Uncle Bakar took Ali to his, where he could forget the aches and hide his tears under his blanket.

iv.

Ali exchanged the hell that was MATA to the torture that was school. Eyes stared, mouths hushed, ears listened. Wherever he went, Alicia’s ghost haunted him as his classmates spoke of the buried dead and the dead that barely functioned beyond nodding and shaking his head.

A student’s death raised a stir among the school population, all sympathising a car crash victim and its survivor, yet all ignorant of the real truth that it had all been nothing but murder. Ali was a murderer, blood in his hands that he used to write in his notebook.

Viktor’s gentle hand almost never left his, ready to squeeze him assurance whenever his breath so much as picked up at a trigger; Alicia’s desk, Alicia’s empty seat, Alicia’s non-existence at this school because he had been a coward who only cared about himself.

At some point, he barely registered the changing scenery, going from his classroom to the infirmary where he let himself sob onto his best friend’s shoulder.

His dad was called, the press was called, slurs were called against the paparazzis invading the school for a scoop of a Cyberaya’s Helm’s traumatised son.

Ali took one day off from school. One day became two. Two became several, and several became homeschool. He absentmindedly absorbed the lessons coming his way, never raising a voice nor head as he wrote his notes. His no-name teacher cared more for money than offending him to ever question whether he was paying attention in class. It was the silent rule they agreed upon, and both of them were happy with the arrangement.

Comot stayed by his side, claiming his lap with each day that droned on and on. At nights, she climbed on his chest and sang her purrs to drive away the phantoms lingered along the edges of the room.

“Do you think I did the right thing?”

Comot didn’t answer.

“If I’d jumped in to save her, we’d have died together.”

Comot didn’t answer again.

“I’ve always wanted the attention, you know. To be loved, to be touched. Dad always used to care more about his work, but now he’s here for me every time I need him. Viktor too. You too… But it still hurts.”

Comot never replied, because a cat could never understand that a useless coward had survived while a girl with a bright future had not. That her owner deserved none of that love, none of the affection everyone was showering him with. Because he was worth nothing, not against Alicia.

“I wish I’d died instead.”

“...Mrow…” Comot snuggled on his chest.

v.

Rizwan had escaped, Dos disappearing along with him. 

Agent Jenny had gone missing too.

IRIS was under MATA’s surveillance, never leaving the agency until it was thrown into his hand by a disgruntled General Rama.

“My dad can file you for trespassing,” Ali threatened the man who drank from Ali’s favourite Detective Jebat cup.

“And you won’t?” The General glared at him while also sipping every last drop of his tea.

“I don’t want to deal with people.”

“So do I, but it’s my job.”

When it got through his thick Bollywood skull that Ali wasn’t going to entertain him, he continued.

“Jenny helped Rizwan and Dos escape.”

“So?” Ali raised an unimpressed brow. “I’m not an agent anymore. I quit.”

“You’re not safe here.”

“And MATA’s safe how? Last I checked you have two defectors that poofed under your nose. Who’s to say there aren’t more?”

“Who’s to say people working for your father aren’t infiltrated either?”

Ali faltered.

“Th-they wouldn’t.”

“They will. They’ll do everything they can to get IRIS and unsync it from you. You, your loved ones, no one around you is safe.”

“...unless I’m trained,” Ali finished, shoulders sagging. “So here I am again huh, being your property you can flaunt around to bait your enemies.”

“Your answer is?” The general set down his tea and showed the first real emotion since he barged into the house uninvited. He looked hesitant, not wanting to force him to say yes or no. But neither of them made the decisions, the higher-ups did.

“...I’ll do it. I’ll be your bait. As long as you can promise to keep my dad safe. Keep Viktor and his family safe.”

“It will be done.”