“ LET ME LIVE MY LIFE! ” / oh here we go.
it feels like there's an earthquake beneath their feet , a thunderclap -- a lightening striking ground , and catching fire in the space between them . a roiling , and building tension that has been creeping up both of their throats . there have been too many incidents that have led them to this place , something inevitable , with the way they stand here now hurtling towards a breaking point . a shooting star burning in the atmosphere , or seconds away from impact ; either way , the star dies . some fates are inescapable .
" i don't care what you do with your life -- " and as he says it , he realizes he means it . he doesn't care , she could knock on his door with blood covering her hands . she could have a gun in her hands and a bullet between her teeth pointed at him , and he would not care . he would open the door for her anyways , every time . because that's what he does -- that's what colt does when he loves someone . there is nothing to small or too big , no act of love he will not commit for the person he loves .
" but i need you to let me give a shit about you . i need you to accept that i care about you , okay ? i need -- " his fingers curl into a fist , the words are stuck somewhere under his tongue , they're knotted in his chest , and he is frantically fraying the strings of thought , to reach what he wants to say . trying to find the right words , the words that will crack the space between them , the words that will let the storm part and let the sun come through again . " please , rosaria . why can't you just let me care ? why -- why is that so hard ? why is it so awful that i care about you ? " and maybe that's it , maybe that's the entire problem , the crux of the argument , the cliff's edge they're trying to push each other off of . colt cannot understand why it is so awful that he cares . he can understand an open palm unheld , a call unanswered , a gap between them -- that allows her the safety , and comfort of the unknown . he can survive a veil between them , but he cannot understand a total isolation . he cannot understand the separation of a perfectly good limb , the removal of a heart when it begs to beat in her chest . he thinks the fault is somewhere in him , that the fracture stems from him . that he has , once again , failed in some fundamental human way -- has been found wanting . his eyes say all the unspoken things for him : just tell me what i have to do . tell me . i would do anything .
