Being LGBT in a small town was the worst that could ever happen to me, coming out was the worst thing I could have done, discovering myself was the worst thing I've done.
No matter how much I tried to look at boys, I ended up acting like them, desiring to be like them and love them like a boy
No matter how much I tried to be like a girl it just ended up being love. But I still liked being a girl too.
I could never love women as a man and I could never love men as a woman.
In a place where I was considered weird, had sinful thoughts, wasn't holy, I was invalidated by family, friends, even my own sister, who just claimed to be bisexual couldn't accept my gender ideology, staring at me with disgust as I claimed that I was gender-fluid at 15.
I knew who I was from a very young age and I never felt disgusted by it, but my family always repressed it, told me it was just a phase, that I shouldn't think about it.
Then I made my biggest mistake: coming out.
Nowadays I'm proud of who I am, but back then it was so hard, I accepted myself but repressed myself, let my hair grow, stopped using binders, but that urge was always there, I couldn't feel happy with long hair, sometimes I did, but didn't.
I could only feel masculine on the internet, where people would actually respect me, where I went from my birth name to Samael, which is a name I'm proud to claim, since my birth name is biblical too.
I read the bible like crazy, saw a lot of videos and when I discovered being me wasn't a sin, my life truly changed, but I wasn't still happy, lots of bad things happening between me and my mom.
I don't care if she deadnames me, I can't bring myself to care, if I get angry they won't stop anyways.
Nowadays I do feel happier, I have two beautiful girlfriends, who still think that a throuple is crazy work, but we're slowly getting used to it, a small daughter that I just adopted, a Siamese cat called Phonsyr (or Afonsinha for better understanding). I don't live with my girlfriends but soon I hope we can move in together, I love them lots since I was a teenager and it's just like a fever dream coming true.
Happy pride to everyone who can't still accept themselves, I want you to know God loves you and he made you like that and no matter what you're not filthy or sinful.
Happy pride to everyone who is still learning to love themselves, to those who are still learning who they are.
Happy pride. Love is love.
