#gaulier

“Don’t get so deep,” she said. 

You ask me not to breathe?

I am not like you on your shallow level. Shallow as a gnat, visiting then leaving. Buzzing, whirring, flitting about, never picking up anything more than a drop. 

This time on stage is my excavation.

Yet again I recommit to writing, to creating. Why? Why do I prefer this difficult life?

Well it is more difficult to be dishonest. It is more difficult to ignore the constant whirring in my brain, the sparks of creation, being constantly led to my uncovering.

Oh the problem of money.

It is tempting, but it feels like a snicker and the creative urge is like thunder.

The gods have chosen me. This intellect was not an accident but a blessing, a gift.

Through community I am prepared, I am led, I am guided. 

Propelled to uncover, to reveal, to portray.

I function differently. I must know things while others prefer not to know. 

But to play it smart or to play it free?

Sometimes, I hear and feel, just do it

Just write it out

But I have a whole job to do, a business to help build

I dream that the world of work is nearing an end

And we will all relax into creative bliss

Born into pleasure

Surrounded by pleasure

I continue to cultivate pleasure

Penultimate new moon of the year

I remember what I asked for on new years

Friendship, community, cultivation of talents

It all came true

I spent so much time as a gypsy

But this year I was a festival gypsy

I told the sacred fire 

I wanted to be seen. I wouldn’t hide anymore.

And now here I am. 

I was a crow on Friday. I became something else. "XUN XUN," I saw myself in their eyes. Seeing something new. And then I cried at the karaoke bar in that night in Paris and Frank the clown told me I was a clown. He looked sadly at me but also warmly in his strange Frank way. It’s not easy he said.

But it's about what I want. I have to focus on what I want. A creative life. My profession: to create. To receive lucrative compensation for my creations. So that I can lucratively create.

Edinburgh Fringe Day 1: Good shows, a questionable director and a late disaster

Mark Borkowski is looking for originality

In the afternoon, with Kate Copstick, I recorded the first in a revived series of Grouchy Club Podcasts with stunt-loving PR guru, Mark Borkowskiwho is up here partly to find right-wing comedians who may appear in a series of TV shows on RT (Russia Today). Well, that is my spin on it. Really he is looking for anyone who is so original and different that…

Hello to the Bye Bye Girls – Ruby Wax’s offspring – two Siblings on the Fringe

Marina (left) and Maddy Bye drinking it all in

Maddy and Marina Bye are real-life sisters performing their show Siblings at the Edinburgh Fringe. They are the daughters of comedy actress Ruby Wax and legendary TV comedy director Ed Bye.

Maddy went to the Gaulier clown school in Paris. Marina trained at the Guildhall theatre school in London.

So, obviously, I chatted to them.

JOHN:Your mother…

clownin around

CLOWN LAB RESIDENTIAL

Bouffon - I meant to upload this blog post many months ago and for one reason or another I didn't manage to. I wrote this blog initially for myself, to document the process. However on my return to the UK so many people surprised me by actually reading the bloody thing! Many people commented on my brutal honesty and elaborate moment by moment commentary on the discoveries I made and those of my lovely group. I was a little humbled, so now I am playing catch up and writing again!

Although, I anticipated it with sincere trepidation, Bouffon was difficult, hilarious, and liberating. This was the module I was least prepared for, I had not studied this style of performance before and having experienced Philippe’s unique pedagogy, I was intrigued by how he would approach exploring blasphemy, bigotry, misogyny, racism etc.

‘Bouffon is the pleasure of blaspheme’.

‘Having pleasure in showing the ‘Bastard''

‘Being beautiful playing the ugly and the evil. Having no respect for anything. Turning every message on its head. Our subjects are racism, misogyny, bigotry, paedophilia, hypocrisy in religion- by taking pleasure in revealing the ‘bastards’ we see in them- this is the blaspheme!’

Initially we played homage to the images that Brunel depicts in his paintings of the outcasts, in the ghettos, how the French and many other countries treated the different or socially unacceptable throughout the middle ages. These included; dwarf, hunchbacks, the big bellied king and the priest.

I thoroughly enjoyed this ugly character study. Being able to transform into a character who had so many physical limitations, blacked out teeth, a dirty grimy face, no hair, ripped clothes and speak out about groups in society that are rejected or disrespected in some way- this was so much fun!

We discovered which characters we worked best with by trying on the limitations. Some of the group were fantastic, finding joy and pleasure from owning a giant belly, hunch back or bottom!

I didn't know whether I would find any success with this module, but it opened my mind in so many ways. Through the Bouffon I was able to play out being mans idea of God disapproving of Adam in the Garden of Eden, an over sexed Girl Scout, an over zealous Preacher, a middle-class racist, a spoiled brat, and a homophobe (all with varying levels success and failure of course!). That is the essence of this school, to try something, give and see where you can be beautiful, beautifully ugly!

Ok guys and girls, these moments are the ones that make it all worth it.

  Everyone struggles at this school, you are supposed to. You are pushed to develop and find what makes you uniquely beautiful and bring that to your performance, 'Fight to be free', as Philippe mentioned in previous modules.

    Melodrama began and we have been told stories of grandeur comparable to Victor Hugo's ‘Les Miserables’, one of the best melodramas. These stories and the rules of Melodrama have given us a context for our performance.

  Last week I played the daughter of a lighthouse keeper who begged her father to kill her as she contracted Rabies. I was told 'Not too bad' from the man with the drum. This man seems to peer into my soul at times, teasing out my insecurities or weaknesses at precisely the right time. He tells me to sort them out. How do I sort them out? I have to discover that myself, with some guidance.

The ‘Not too bad’ still grates on me, even though here, that is a compliment (often followed by 'Surprising, what happened, when did you stop being horrible!').

    I , like the rest want to be better, be good.

  Over the past few months Philippe has commented on my voice. I have been employed for my voice for many years, my ability to change, to use accents, to create a different atmosphere, character, emotion, clarity etc. But here I am learning what makes me unique. Philippe has commented that my voice 'doesn't work' when I do certain character exercises. He has however until now, let me explore and tread water trying to develop and improve it.

  Last week we were given a task and another teacher, Juan took the class.

  We were asked to perform a scene (exceptionally melodramatic, involving leaving our baby at a convent, I know, the drama!). After watching and observing, there was an opportunity for me to attempt this role. Recently I had improvised in class and Philippe had continued to speak about my voice. I wanted to be better and was completing vocal exercises to do so, however I required something more specific.

  I before I performed the scene I spoke to Juan and tentatively asked for more direction, I was told to perform and we would go from what I give.

  The result, clarity. Juan made a statement that gave me perspective and understanding.

  'You come on stage, you are a woman, you look strong and your presence makes us excited... then you speak and your natural delicate voice doesn't match up to the strong woman you are.'

  I understood. This part of my performance needed to match up with what I can uniquely bring to the stage. I can be strong and play these women, I needed to match that with the power in my voice.

  'Don't cheat yourself and cheat us by not being strong, we love you like this'.

To hear immediately what the audience thinks and feels about your performance, is what I love about this school- you need to hear the truth and find what makes you beautiful in different performances styles and genres.

  After that, of course, it was back to the singing, every teacher I have worked with has told me to sing when I need to explore something. This is a particularly good technique for helping me find my pleasure and beauty. Juan had identified this and put me to work, I also danced, made a fool of myself and tried to find this strength. It was getting close but not quite there.

  The following day was time for our presentation, our assessment on our task.

  The scene was dramatic. A mother has a child out of wedlock sends the child away to a family whom she sends money to so the child is provided for. After selling her hair and her teeth, she battles with herself and submits to prostitution. On meeting her client and taking him to where she would meet his needs to earn for her own, he notices a medallion she wears, they are brother and sister. Dun Dun DUUUUNNNNN!

  I wrestled with myself, I wanted to be big, have pleasure to show something seriously dramatic. I was incredibly nervous. Fortunately over the years I have learnt to trust that feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me to do something.

  I performed. I went on stage like it was an opera (not a perfect precise opera, but the essence of one!). I found strength and a quality in my voice by singing low, using this impetus to speak some of the words, after which I would return to singing.

  I had started bold, I was trying to be sensitive to the audience, yet their reaction of stillness and eye contact was all I had to go on, so far nobody had heckled or banged upon a drum to cease the display of guts I had put on the stage. We finished. The group clapped, and I took a deep breath.

Then Three Little Words! 'Her, I Love' stated Philippe.

  Finally, guts on the stage, an understanding of how I could develop more and I managed to do it without pushing or lacking in sensitivity. I see where I have to go now.

To people who haven't read my previous blog posts, you may think this is self-indulgent and boastful, but to those that have, and those that have studied to such a standard at this school, you understand what this means. It means a lot-just to be crystal clear!

To have worked hard and see some success, the success of being loved as a performer is the biggest reward. People have to want you on the stage. So, blog followers, you get my celebration success story.