#gatorland

So when I was 11 my parents got divorced and it was decided that for the first Christmas after the divorce I would NOT get to spend it with my Dad's family (which I have every year since I was born) and instead my mother would take me to fly across the country and spend Christmas with my maternal aunt in Florida.

So you know as a child going through her parent's very sudden separation and being torn away from the only family I have any real relationship with for the holidays, if I'm being dragged down to Florida against my will I'm at least going to Disney World right??? NO.

Apparently my aunt lived in the BORING part of Florida and it was "too far away" for us to go to Disney World. But as a consolation prize she was taking me to... Gatorland [Alligator Capital of the World]

So Gatorland is exactly what it sounds like... a discount theme park with thousands of wild alligators as the attraction. You know one of those super unethical 'wildlife preserves' that double as a tourist trap and are breaking every regulation known to man.

Basically the whole thing is a boardwalk with a pit under it (referred to as the 'Breeding Marsh' on their website) with like... an unethical amount of alligators in it. Pretty sure some of the big ones were eating the smaller ones.

Aside from staring into The Gator Pit™ they offered such wonderful attractions as... zipline over The Gator Pit™, food, and 'educational shows'.

I did not go on the zipline. We then had lunch at a "restaurant" that served 'gator burgers'. Now this being Gatorland you'd think 'Gator burger' would be you know... fun theming for the kids. Like 'Big Mac' or 'Mickey Burger'. WRONG. The 'gator' in 'gator burger' refers to the alligator meat patty, which you must eat while surrounded by thousands of its living relatives. I do not remember what the 'Gator burger' tasted like.

To end the day we sat in this mini-stadium and watcher an educational 'gator show' in which the presenter dragged some poor alligator out and manhandle it, teaching us such interesting facts as 'an alligator's jaw strength only affects the closing of the jaws not the opening'. Which he then demonstrated by holding the alligator's mouth shut with his bare hands.

To more clearly demonstrate this unbelievable fact, the presenter taped the alligators mouth shut and invited all the kids in the audience to come sit on the live alligator for pictures.

I did not sit on the live alligator for a picture.

That's all I remember about my Gatorland experience. Not a replacement for Disney World in the slightest. No one can believe me when I tell them this place exists. It's like if Florida Man was a theme park.

The (gator) boys are back in town! Check out the tooth-rotting epilogue to my crack-but-not Gatorland fic.