#gastroscopy

My gut felt like there were red hot needles and knifes being stabbed into it. I felt nauseous. I felt faint. I very nearly threw up.

It was not the first time I felt this way but it was the worst I’d ever felt. I’d been getting increasingly bad pain for over a year and I had gone to countless doctors trying to determine what it was.

The doctors at the ER — thankfully — took me seriously. They determined I had a severely infected gallbladder and the only way to save my life was to have surgery to remove it.

I still had to give consent before the surgery.

I remember being terrified. I was alone. There was no one to help me. And somehow, even though the only course of action I could take was to consent to the surgery the fact that I had to before they could take action made it all the more terrifying. The consequences of the surgery would mean I would live, but I’d never quite be the same. I felt cheated by my own body. Why was it this way? Why couldn’t I be healthy? Functional? Why wasn’t my body working with me?

The nurses, doctors, and surgeons there were all incredibly kind to me.

One surgeon in particular — the one who ended up operating on me — said something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. “Your body is there to help you. Sometimes, when part of the body is no longer helping you, the best thing to do is cut it away. You’ll be so much happier after the surgery. You won’t be in pain anymore.”

I think about that a lot.

I think about it a lot when I see trans men begging for help to get top surgery and are met with resistance or well meaning but ignorant messages begging back to not “mutilate” their body.

I think about my surgeon, who was so kind to me and knew what to say when I was scared and crying and alone in my hospital bed.

Your body is there to help you.

Sometimes, when part of the body is no longer helping you, the best thing to do is cut it away.

You’ll be so much happier after the surgery.

You won’t be in pain anymore.

I hope you get your top surgery.

I hope you will be so much happier.

個人的に体内描写も好き。 これは胃カメラを飲んだ時の動画だけど、食道で心臓が動いてる様子がよく見えると思う。 胃の中からもね。 体内からも僕の心臓を感じてほしいな。

Colonoscopy is when a doctor inserts a camera up your butt to examine your intestines. Gastroscopy (also known as upper endoscopy) is when a doctor inserts a camera through your mouth to examine your upper digestive tract (esophagus, stomach, etc).

You might rate your experience based on the difficulty of preparation, discomfort during the procedure (if you were awake– most people are not), pain or discomfort afterward, etc.

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Sitting in hospital recovery room, after a gastroscopy. The docs are already pretty sure what my latest issue is, so this is just to officially confirm.

Though the samples collected from my guts will take a couple of weeks to show results, I'm already suggested to start avoid gluten, so I can get off my painkillers.

Gonna get an expert to talk to about my options in food and change of habits.

It won't cure my fibromyalgia, but at least it should help with the constant stabbing pain in my bowels I've suffered from for at least 6 months now.

Blegh, this gonna suck. But at least I got answers now and a new plan to help out.

At least it amuses me they put the drop in right by my tattoo for warrior strength and protection.

They did send me home with another one ofa little larger diameter yesterday. And actually asked me to bring at least the smallest one back next time, since apparently those aren't even made anymore and they really don't want to lose any of this set. Guess that's not really something they could reasonably just pick up used off eBay or whatever, either!

As miserable as the DIY experience still is, at least it really did seem to make a difference--as everyone was hoping. It kept things open to the point that I wasn't even having to be more careful about what I was eating the last week or so before they worked on it again. I was really hoping that they would be willing to increase the interval between gastroscopy sessions now, but they still want me back in a month. Hopefully once they see if it continues that way, though.

It'll apparently get a decent test over the summer, at least, since the doctor said they wouldn't have access to the OR they've been using for some reason during July. They can apparently use another one elsewhere in the hospital if necessary, but it sounded like that guy wouldn't be sorry to skip July either. (At least I guess both of us can be glad it is gastroscopy, and not necessary from the other end! 😩 Still not a lot of fun for anybody involved, probably.)

But yeah, even if they're not willing to call a longer time between the professional dilation yet, it is at least a HUGE relief to feel a lot more secure that, worst case? I am extremely unlikely to get so that I can't even swallow liquids again. And there is something I can personally do about it if my throat does try to close up like that again.