#gardenkeeper

he    still    feels    ill,    not    that    he’ll    tell    jamie    that.    not    with    the    fire    fierce    look    in    her    eyes,    the    very    look    that    meant    she    would    do    anything    for    them;    for    him.    there    is    no    them    anymore,    is    there    ??    the    wingraves,    left    in    the    morning.    tearful    hugs    and    kisses    as    flora    told    him    how    much    he    would    love    america.    he    had    promised    he    would    love    it    because    she    was    there.    he    would    visit    as    soon    as    he    was    able.    dani,    in    the    car    waiting    for    her    girlfriend.    maybe    one    romance    would    fare    better    at    bly.    peter,    rebecca;    dead.    hannah--

his    tears    betray    him,    eyes    red    and    puffy    as    his    hands    shake.    he    can’t    leave.    not    yet.    they    had    stayed,    buried    their    precious    housekeeper.    there    was    nothing    keeping    him    here    anymore    and    it’s    startling    to    think    how    it    had    gone    from    his    mum    to    his    friends    (    his    family.    )    he    knows    jamie    understands.    he    had    never    been    good    at    hiding    his    feelings,    how    captivating    he    found    hannah,    how    she    had    the    ability    to    brighten    up    his    world.    he    was    sure    everyone    knew.    (    did    the    one    person    that    truly    mattered    ??    )    

❝        i’m    not    sure    i    can    move.    ❞    it’s    as    honest    as    he    can    be    in    the    moment,    his    hand    grasping    the    cup    of    tea    he    had    made    an    hour    ago.    he    knows    that    once    he    walks    out    the    door    of    that    kitchen,    crosses    the    length    of    the    house    and    leaves    the    manor,    he    won’t    be    back.    who    would    be    there    to    remember    her    if    not    him    ??    dark    eyes    drift    to    meet    hers,    really    his    closest    friend    in    the    world,    and    his    lower    lip    trembles.    ❝    your    american    is    going    to    wonder    where    you’ve    gone    off    too.    ❞    and    if    that    doesn’t    fill    him    with    at    least    a    minuscule    amount    of    joy,    the    fact    that    jamie    has    someone    to    spend    her    time    with,    nothing    else    would    ever.    

Alice: I don’t want my boyfriend to be nonchalant, I want him chalant. The chalantest

𝑑𝑎𝑛𝑖 𝘩𝑎𝑑 𝑠𝑝𝑒𝑛𝑡 𝑠𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑔, so many hours and days waiting for The Lady in the Lake to take her over the course of the year. Never had she really stopped to think about what would happen if I live ?  It wasn’t until she was sitting in her fully furnished new apartment, sipping from  mug of tea that Jamie had deemed to be drinkable --- that she first let the traitorous thought pass through her head. What if she was wrong ? What if she would be allowed this after all ?   For a moment, Viola’s voice in her head wasn’t so loud and Dani dared to dream --- in private of being allowed to stay here with Jamie forever. “ So, are you still curious about Vermont in winter ? ”  Dani asked carefully, they hadn’t made it that first year --- making plans that outstretched more than a few days back then had frightened her, but now....

YOU    WERE    SUFFOCATING     ON     NOTHINGNESS / ON  THE    FEELING   OF    FULLNESS .            sometimes,     it     felt     as     though    your     chest     was     𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐲    𝐭𝐨    𝐜𝐚𝐯𝐞     𝐢𝐧    𝐨𝐧    𝐢𝐭𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 ..     threatening     collapse     with     every    beat    of   your     heart .       ( sure that there were flowers growing in the graveyard in your chest, settled within ribs, they took root )        just    like    the     rest   of    your     demons ,     they    engulfed     you    and    took    hostage      :     𝙳𝙸𝙶𝙶𝙸𝙽𝙶     𝚃𝙰𝙻𝙾𝙽𝚂    𝙳𝙴𝙴𝙿   𝙸𝙽    𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁    𝚂𝙺𝙸𝙽 .

your     gaze    briefly     lifts     to     catch     the     gardner     in     your     gaze   ..     she    meant    no     harm    ,      you    loved     her     for    it .      but    the   beast      (      THE    WOMAN      )         in     you     tore     through    everything     ,          could     not      let     her     take     𝖆𝖓𝖔𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖗     𝖎𝖓𝖓𝖔𝖈𝖊𝖓𝖙    𝖑𝖎𝖋𝖊 .         head     shakes ..