one hour. thatās how long you lasted. you swore you were going to break earlier i mean his subtle glances, his hesitation so clearly laced in his voice, his fidgetingā¦ it was driving you insane. sure jisung and you were not on the best of terms but he knew you better than to be all awkward with you.Ā
ājisung, i donāt bite. for the love of god please stop being awkward with me before i lose my mindā you say putting your books down while staring at him.Ā
āi know you donāt, you never did. but you bark and iām not sure i can handle it right nowā āi think itās rich coming from you, youāre the only reason why i even do it in the first placeā¦ whatever letās not fight letās just work yeah?ā you finish picking up your book.
you werenāt here to fight with him. not again. honestly? youāre not even sure you have another fight left in you.Ā
āI want us to be friends you know?ā jisung said breaking the heavy silence. āyouāreā you laugh āyouāre unbelievable jisung, do you really think we can be friends?ā āiām just saying i want to beā āwell iām saying we canāt. and you know why? because you make me sad. like, ALL the time. every single time i have to see you throw me a kind and polite smile or i get sad whenever i see you in the class, i mean fuck even when i see you settle down or when i get in class and see your lame ass pencil case on the table and i think āoh thatās jisungāsā. i feel even more fucking lame when i get sad seeing your name on my phone or if my friends mention you or even if I see your friends on campus. and i try to rationalize but i end up feeling like a fucking loser when i get sad even when i see plum blossoms or anything related to NASA. youāre everywhere jisung. and everywhere you are makes me sad. so no, i donāt think we can be friendsāĀ
āi donātā he sighs. āi donāt want to make you sad. itās like literally the last thing i want. please tell me how can i fix itā āyou canāt. itās our or my reality now i guess.. and it upsets me even more that i LET you make me sad. i mean fuck for someone who everyone calls smart i sure am fucking stupid. i mean fuck i even thought at one point that you liked me im so ā you laughed again. you didnāt feel like laughing but it was either this or sobs. you think youāve humiliated yourself enough in front of that man.
āi do like you.ā āno jisung you donāt understandā āi do understand. and i do like youā ānot in the way that i want- i mean wanted you toāĀ
āyouāre mistaken y/n. i really do like you. i mean fuck i like you so much and it is because i like you so much that i keep messing upā. you sigh, this was not what you expected to hear. you wanted to hear that for so long but not like this. not when it feels so heavy
āyouāre so confusing jisungā āthen talk to me! ask me questions, help me not be confusing to you, please.ā āyou want me to ask questions? fine. how on earth could you like me? have you seen the way you act around me? and you say you like me?āĀ
āthe reason why I ghosted you in the first place was because my friends were teasing me about liking you, and I was like surely not and then he realized that surely yes, I did like you, and then I realized that it was too late as we were already apart, and there was nothing that i could do about it. and so then when I realized that you were behind the account, I told myself that it was a new way to talk to you because sure you did not know that it was me, but I knew that it was you. so in a way I was still talking to you and we were friends. it was just a sick and messed up way to to be closer to you and the only way that I could talk to you so I seized the opportunity.Ā Ā and when you came to me and told me that you were trying to consider talking to me again in real life, I did not even stop to think about how it would affect you since I was being selfish and I wanted us to be friends again. I wanted you to like me as a friend again. I was like āYou should talk to him again in real lifeā because even though I wanted you to like me as more than a friend, you liking him as a friend was enough for me at that moment. so I told you to talk to me and then when we sat next to each other and ate lunch together and were joking, I had long forgotten about the whole thing.Ā Ā because what was only important to me at that time was that you were talking to me and you were smiling with me and you were laughing with me and thatās all that mattered to me and all i wanted for so long. and trust me, I was like freaking out before chenle sat next to you at lunch because I did not want to mess it up and I wanted to go at a pace where we would eventually get back to where we were. But i fucked up again. Iām sorry i am so confusing to you and i seem so desperate i just- i like you so fucking much i donāt know what to do with myself. but i know i canāt leave us like thisāĀ
āi canāt believe youāre doing this to meā you say tearing up. there he was getting under your skin, AGAIN. god you were so dumb for letting this man be so important to you.Ā
āiām so sorry. Iām so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry, please donāt cryā he says tearing up āiām not crying, you are. you look like a loser too, all snotty and shitā he laughed a little at your comment and then side hugged you. you didnāt hug back tho, you couldnātĀ
āi canātā¦ respond to that yet iām sorryā āi understand, feel free to never respond if that makes you feel better. I just hope you believe me and that things make more sense now. I would hate for you to think that iām messing with you againā āNO! no jisung itās okay i believe you, i just- yeahā āitās okay take your time. iāll be there when youāre ready.ā āis it umā¦ is it alright with you if we hit pause on the project? meet up some time later? i canāt- i canāt be here right nowā āof course no problem, even if you donāt want to meet anymore. itāll kill me but iāll respect your decision. Iām sorry again i just couldnāt keep it in longerā āitās okay jisung, iām not madā āare you sad?ā āi donāt really know how i feel right now, sorryā āno Iām sorry for pressuring you. please take your time. do you want me to drop you off at your place or somewhere else?ā āno iām okay donāt worry. bye jisungā you say getting up after gathering your stuff. you didnāt even have the heart to face him when he bid you goodbye as well
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notes: sawrry i dippedā¦ lifeās been crazy. what do we think???
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