#funnypoems

There is this laptop I once had

and when I first took it out of it’s box

I dropped it accidentally

but it seemed to withstand the knock!

It’s screen was somewhat cracked

but it still was working fine.

It was an average built computer

But after a short amount of time...

I woke up one wierd morning

and expected to find it intact

But the casing, I had discovered

was actually very cracked.

So I figured “Why not I fix it?”

So I got a chewed up piece of gum...

and I stuck in the crevice...

I was so glad I even chewed some!

Later, the frame around the screen

had started to separate...

and so I thought this little problem

I should quickly terminate.

So I grabbed a roll of masking tape

and I wrapped it all around.

I thought “My repairing skills are top notch”

and I thought I was safe and sound...

My computer despite the odds

was still running and working great

It was an unsightly thing...

And I blamed the thing we call Fate.

Then it cracked in other places...

but I ran out of masking tape

So I stuck on it some band aids

onto it’s poor, distorted, shape...

But it still was up and running!

and I didn’t care how it looked

and all it’s hope of looking good

I feel had been forsook.

A few weeks had come and gone

when I decided to make it stabler

with the use of a handy dandy

maximum air powered stapler.

But then I looked for another one

for my old laptop to replace

because it didn’t just stop working...

It blew up in my face!

On a particular occasion I thought I’d go ride my bike all due to my friends persuasion that it would be something that I’d like So I straddled the bike not sitting down, but my feet were on the pedals then I zoomed off into the town! On top of that mechanical metal Because I panicked when the wheels turned I moved my feet and could not stop My stomach had started to churn and I was not yet seen by a cop! I zoomed past people, buildings and cars trees and crossed red lights So scared was I, that I saw stars and I thought I’d die of fright! It didn’t help I was going downhill then gravity had its way but I didn’t know how to be still so in my head, I started to pray. But it wasn’t enough, so I screamed! and I was a crazy person on a bike! like a nightmare I would’ve dreamed and I wondered what I would strike. Cars beeped their horns and crashed  when I had got in their way People who saw me made a dash after they  shouted “Hey! Stop! Hey!!!” But alas! I didn’t know how! For this was my first time riding, then in some bushes I started to plow Through the city park I was gliding I spat out the leaves and kept my head high There were some twigs stuck in my hair and through the town I did fly to squeeze the break-handle, I didn’t dare. How I kept my balance? I don’t know... Sheer faith I guess you could say or luck, whichever, I went with the flow and then I had zoomed away! Fire truck sirens and panicked calls On through the city I went And I didn’t enjoy at all This was not the way bike rides were meant! Luckily there was a soft cast iron pole That was there to stop my adventure I won’t describe what it did to my face but lets just say that I need dentures.....

There are monsters in all closets

but not the kind that you’d expect.

For you see, when it gets cluttered

and it’s filled with grim neglect...

and all the bugs have called it home

and your shoes are all mismatched

and it’s just horribly disorganized

the black universe does dispatch---

Some monsters, not too scary

for they’re usually  octopuses

Colored in weird and strange hues

and then all your stuff it touches.

And if one likes the item well enough

he’ll take it with him back to space

and he’ll never ever, bring it back

and never again will it see your face!

For when the closet’s mess is big enough

it opens a portal to... the universe!

and once you’ve received an octopus

your mess goes from bad to worse.

So when decide to be rid of him

you must have a vacuum ready

for when you take your clothes out of the closet

your grip is now unsteady.

For it’s tentacles have a hold of them

and doesn’t want to let them go.

Because the octopus has claimed your stuff

and won’t part with your clothes!

Then you have to turn on the vacuum...

and scare it back to space

and then clean out your messy closet

so it’s gone without a trace.

But once you’re done you’ll notice

that some of your things have disappeared

They all went through the portal

and to the unknown Space so weird...

My space octopus is purple

Purple with round green spots

I gave him the name of George

and he has me quite distraught...

Because he fights me for my things

when I pick out my things to wear

I really need to clear him out

but until then, he’s just there...

The vacuum no longer scares him

because I can’t keep my closet clean

So I just wrestle my stuff from his tentacles

with all the spots so green...

For now I have a daily nuisance

that throws my own shoes at my head!

And so just the thought of cleaning

fills my lazy heart with dread.

Some days I’ll whack him with a bat

‘Till I can grab what I want and need.

Then I’ll close the closet door

until the next day I have to repeat.

So you should keep your closets tidy

Unless you all may end up like me

You don’t want my predicament

(On this, you are sure to agree)

For I can’t face the inside of my closet

without facing a daily scourge.

and you all don’t want the universe

to send you an octopus named George.

One day my voice had given out and I could not speak at all there were papers and pencils strewn about so my messages I could scrawl. My friend had made a recording of phrases of “goodbye” and “hello” in a way that was according  to the manner my voice would flow. But that is just how bad it got  and that wasn’t the worst of it I could only sneeze sneeze and sneeze to it I could only submit. and when I tried to breathe I’d wheeze Allergy medicines were not working not the way they even were meant to they made me high and oh so sleepy I didn’t know what to do! There was a pressure in my head my face was red and green I lied so sickly in my bed I was in no mood to be seen. When Jehovah’s witness was at the door and they wouldn’t leave me alone I had to shoo them away with a air horn It was a necessary point I had shown But hay fever is the worst. I think I sneezed out my brains in medicine I was submersed and it left me so weak and drained My tissues were piled to the ceiling the sink was full of mugs I used for tea it was misery I was feeling... if I could speak I’d shout “Why me!?” The pollen is falling instead of snow and it’s sending me into shock when I started rocking to and fro Then I braced for my Epi-pen’s knock.

This creature is hairier, meaner, and more solitary

with origins so old it is legendary...

Between the Leprechauns and Sasquatch Big foots,

 Covered in hair with the hue of red soot.

With a face like an ape! And beard like a scarf!

He’s so very ugly, I think you would barf!

And to make it all worse, I hear that he stinks!

Rumored to have relations to the Missing Link!

With clothes so tight, and so very green.

He’s so very scary it’s almost obscene!

As for possessing the small silver buckles,

he melted the metal to make himself knuckles!

No black pot for his gold, but he has a big pit

and if he sees you, he’ll throw you in it!

That’ll teach you all to not wander right in...

to find his gold nuggets he keeps in a trash bin.

It lives in the wilderness and he likes it there,

no rainbows for him, ‘cause he doesn’t care.

So if you explore in the wild, take care and keep watch...

For this very rare creature, the Lepresquatch!!!

(My own artwork)