#funny idea

Starscream shouted to the stars- and they heard him

Batman: *has sex with Superman*

I have gotten my brain stuck on a really cracky, hilarious AU concept.

Remember that time Mari jokingly said, as Ladybug, that she was thousands of years old?

What if that wasn't a joke? What if there was an Alternate Universe where Marinette was just an immortal stuck at this physical age forever?(to make this AU less weird, lets set that adrien and her are supposed to be at ages 18-20 and not like, 14. Small edit for my comfort+moral compass)

The idea here would be that even Fu did not know who or what he was really giving the miraculous too. Tikki does, possibly the moment they suit up for the first time, but she doesn't really mind? Especially not when she has an extremely experienced near immortal Holder. Tikki can keep this bug forever, if she's lucky and plays her cards right.

Obviously this would lead to Mari being a lot more mature in some ways(only some, she's still biologically locked in the developing brain stage), but she is in fact still an absolute mess around Adrien. Though this time, it's for e very good reason:

Marinette has not loved anyone in a long, long time. Like, thousands of years. Not romantic love, at least. After her age crested over a century she really stopped being attracted to people that were her biological age. Until she met Adrien. And she LIKES Adrien. He makes her face flush and her hands get clammy like she's 45 years old again. But Adrien is also only 18-20. He's a baby compared to Mari, a fraction of a fraction of her age. is it ok to even have feelings for someone when even the oldest humans on earth would be still far outside your age range?

Marinette doesn't know. And it's that extreme moral and emotional conundrum, combined with feelings she hasn't felt in a long, long time, that lead to her being a babbling mess around him. Her brain gets locked in self argument mode every time they do anything that could be even vaguely more than platonic.

All of Marinettes weirder tendencies and manic actions? The result of an immortal who, despite living through them, still struggles to adapt to the massive cultural shifts she's lived through, and sometimes still fucks up modern rules and sensibilities.

Marinette would be a lot more patient in this though, she's already a brilliant planner in cannon. So a Marinette with infinite time would have massive sprawling plans that take years to reach their zenith, and they'd mostly all work.

Also really funny things that come from Marinette being immortal:

Chloe is not actually a threat or a real bully to her. Instead, Marinette actually loves Chloe. She never had the chance to get the modern highschool/college bully experience when she was originally a teenager, because one, schools likely weren't a thing, and two, girls wouldn't have been allowed to go if they were.

So Marinette is absolutely fascinated by Chloe Bouregiouse. And she also thinks Chloe is hilarious. She struggles very hard not to burst out laughing as she plays shy, clumsy Marinette(the clumsy is not an act, thousands of years and she's still at least a little bit of a spastic mess on occassion). Chloe is her favorite entertainment. Every over-engineered insult, every petty mean girl sitcom thing, they are like the funniest part of Marinettes larp as a "regular girl TM". She also worries about Chloe though, and is, through careful manuvering, trying to slowly guide Chloe away from her shitty parents and into a better environment, better rolemodels, and a better life. It's taken some doing, but she's getting their. And honestly, the bee miraculous "accidentally" falling into her hands definitely helps speed up, especially since she hero worships ladybug, which Marinette also thinks is hilarious.(she was quite proud of herself for thinking of that queen bee scheme, she even had Fu thinking it was an accident. She of course, shared everything with Chat.).

If Chloe is funny though, Lila is her favorite mental dueling partner. It's actually kind of adorable to Marinette, because Lila is actually this young, and she thinks she's so clever. But Marinette saw through her day one. Like, almost all the way through her. Lila Rossi's manipulations are amateur at best in Mari's eyes, they can't even throw a true wrench in her 6 month plans, let alone the years long ones she's been putting together.(to explain how Mari has known the class longe enough to pull these things off: 18 year old Marinette is still pretty short and small, and can easily pass as 15-16 year old Marinette, so she did got to school with them, just not as long as she did in cannon because you know, no baby Mari to do school.)

The Akuma's are new though, and that's exciting. Mari has seen a lot of weird magic in her time, but she's never directly encountered one of the fabled Miraculous. She's heard of them, and even been on the periferee of conflicts or events that involved them, but she's never directly faced one down before. She's also never wielded one before. She expected Tikki's power to feel overwhelming, tempting to misuse, like the magics she's found before and discarded because she doesn't trust herself with them. But instead, the Ladybug miraculous has always felt like an extension of her own being. She has never once been tempted to miss use this power.

Rumi: this is my demon tiger.

Mira:???

Rumi: He loves here now.

Zoey: I’ve only had Derpy for under a minute, but if anything happened to him, the I would kill everyone on this planet and then myself!

Rumi: Sweet.

Mira: But the landlord said no pets…

Rumi: They also said no painting the bathroom, but you did that.

Mira: He lives here now.

Zoey: YAY!

-bonus-

Jinu: So, you adopted my cat.

Rumi: Yep.

Jinu: And they’re fine with the demon thing?

Rumi: …he’s really cute, ok?

For those of you who don't know what I'm referring to, Columbo (from the critically acclaimed TV show of the same name) frequently mentions that he has a wife. However, we never find out her name or what she looks like (technically there was a spinoff that DID reveal that, but idk if that's considered canon).

The only one who hasn’t sang a song yet is Jason who has been quietly sitting in the corner chair watching his siblings make fools of themselves with a book in his hand.

The other siblings start to make fun of him for not joining in. Saying he must be a bad singer to not even want to sing in front of Steph who’s singing voice sounds more like a cat trying to get out of a paper bag.

Jason is silent while the kids make fun of him until Damian says “Leave Todd alone. It’s not his fault he has no skills or talent. SOMEONE has to be the family disappointment out of the 7 of us.”

And Jason slowly closes his book while he rises from his chair and leisurely walks over to the phone that they have hooked up to the karaoke machine. Tim eyes him warily and subtly scoots back a few inches when Jason passes him.

Everyone is silent and observing while Jason types into the phone. Looking for a song. He smirks as the song loads and he grabs one the microphones, moving to the front of the room.

As the first few cords ring out Dick covers his mouth in horror and looks at Jason with wide eyes. Everyone else is confused. Tim looking at Dick in panicked confusion. Dami raising an unimpressed eyebrow at Jason. Steph and Cass stay sitting next to each other with their backs to the foot of the couch hesitantly smiling at Dicks reaction but also confused. Duke slowly leaving the room as he knows the explosion that is about to happen.

Then jason starts to sing.

“Dami’s mom has got it going on.”

Damian shouts in outrage and moves to leap from the floor at Jason. Dick snatches him around the waist, holding him while Jason asks Damian if his mom is back from her business trip yet? He is struggling wildly in Dicks grip while Jason has a shit eating gin on his face and is belting out the chorus but replaces Stacy with Dami.

“DAMI’S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING ON!”

Damian finally breaks loose from Dicks hold, grabs the machine and throws it at Jason as hard as he can with an infuriated skreech. Jason ducks while the machine crashes through the window and everyone is silent, looking at the window save for Damian who is heaving in angry breaths while glaring at Jason. Jason slowly turns his head to look at Damian, microphone still had to his face with a slack jawed expression. He finally explodes into loud uncontrollable laughter, a borderline manic smile on his face.

Damian takes a step towards Jason but Dick grabs his hand from the floor. Still in shock but somewhat aware he should definitely keep Damian from killing Jason right now.

Bruce and Alfred come bursting into the room and Bruce’s jaw drops when he sees his big expensive window is shattered with the cord from the karaoke machine still dangling from the window sill.

“What the hell is going on in here?” He says while watching Jason slowly compose himself while biting back laughter.

Damien slowly straightens and takes a deep calming breath while flattening his hands down his shirt. He turns to Bruce with a serious expression and says, “Todd is the worst singer I have ever heard in my life Father. He should be banned from ever participating in family karaoke night ever again.”

Meanwhile Tim is looking forlornly at the window where cousin Kari just met her untimely demise.

“I don’t think anyone is gonna be singing Karaoke for a while Baby Bat.”

Jason returned to his place in the chair and crosses his legs. His eyes gleaming while he gives Damian the most shitting eating grin he’s ever given anyone.

Dick slowly rises from the floor and moves to walk past Bruce and Alfred in the doorway.

“I’ll be back with the broom.” He says. “Maybe someone should get something to cover the window with?”

He stops suddenly and turns around to look at all the kids in the living room. “And for Jason’s sake, no one mention this to Talia. Like, ever.”

Jason who still had a cheshire grin, suddenly stops smiling and looks to Damian with a face of growing horror.

Damien smiles as his angry expression smoothes out. He crosses his arms and gives Jason a smug look.