#funny batman

Bruce: that’s bullshit. It hasn’t been proven yet.

Bruce:

Bruce: but they can scan your private files. Their bots scan for red flags like violence and all. They can lock you out of your own work.

Jason, pausing: violence?

Bruce, shrugging: yeah, anything that violates its policies. Mature themes-

Jason took off down the hall.

Bruce: …

Bruce: sexual themes-

Tim leapt off of the chair taking off after him.

Bruces lips sealed shut.

Dick: I’m sure they’re just using the restroom.

Bruce: right.

Bruce:

Bruce: remind me to go through their computers later.

Imagine.......When Dick is Robin, he gets into a fight with a group of gangsters, and a civilian gets injured. Panicking, Dick runs into the nearest convenience store, looking for something to clean the wound with. Naturally, the workers are very confused as to why a little boy in a brightly coloured costume is attempting to buy a bottle of vodka. They eventually sell it to him on the grounds of "Batman would probably beat us into a pulp if we said no."

Over the years, this happens several more times, even continuing whenever there's a new Robin. Convenience store workers in Gotham have gotten so used to brightly coloured children coming in and purchasing alcohol that when a new person starts working at one of the stores, no one even thinks to explain what the hell is going on.

---

Store Manager: —and last but not least, remember to ask for an ID before selling alcohol to anyone who might be underage.

New Employee: understood.

Robin: *enters, in full costume and covered in blood. walks to the back on the store, before returning and placing a bottle of vodka on the counter with a thud*

Store Manager: *immediately begins ringing him up*

Store Manager, smiling: that'll be $20.

Robin: *hands over the money and leaves with his bottle of vodka*

New Employee: ...

New Employee: ......

New Employee: ........that was a child. That was a child in a Halloween costume. You just sold alcohol to a child in a Halloween costume.

Tim: do I serve cunty or dress as a guy.

Jason, whispering: cunty

Dick, out loud: dress as a cunty guy.

Dick: Bruce does it everyday.

Ra's: breaks into Wayne Manor and bee-lines to the batcave cause his spies told him Damian and Jason were down there

Bruce:has his back turned to the entrance in the middle of lecturing Jason for being reckless and for rigging his batmobile to shoot fucking glitter bombs whenever he tried to fire any kind of projectile

Jason: come on it was funny and it worked honestly I thought you'd be happy no one's dead they're just covered in glitter

Bruce: eye twitching

Damian: notices Ras just casually waltzing into the bat cave

Damian: hello grandfather

Bruce:spins around to find Ras in his lair bracing himself for a fight or some type of bad news only for ras to by pass him entirely and beeline to Jason and Damian

Ra's: snaps his fingers and assassin's come out of nowhere seemingly appearing from the shadows one is holding a bear cub with a little bow on its head and hands it to damian and steps back meanwhile another assassin appears with a giant stack of first edition leather bound classic literature and some rare ones that are almost unheard of to have

Ra's: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY GRANDSON'S :)

Bruce: is baffled because why is Ras calling Jason his grandson where did he get a bear cub why is he gifting Damian a bear cub, Damian's birthday was a month ago wtf Bruce's eye is twitching

Jason: oooo these are really hard to get, oh all of these are leather bound this is awesome thanks gramps though it's not really my birthday is your memory going old man

Ra's: this is the anniversary of your rebirth

Jason: ...

Damian: I appreciate the gift grandfather I shall name this bear lilly

Bruce: Damian I ... Look okay.. it's nice your .. his eye is twitching and he's trying to not lose his patience because again wtf.. grandfather has put an effort into this uh. Gift but you simply can't keep a bear in the manor much less in Gotham it's a wild animal

Damian: 😐 so isn't Jason and we keep him around and he gets to waltz around Gotham and the manor

Jason: hey listen here ya little shit

Bruce: exasperated first off your brother is not an animal secondly I'm not sure it's legal to keep a bear cub as a pet in Gotham

Damian: like running around Gotham dressed as a bat to beat up bad guys is legal, or that time you purposely broke into Arkham asylum to free Selina Kyle because her input on your suit was just sooooo important

Bruce: looks to Alfred

Alfred: well we do have the land space to build a sanctuary for the cub and the permits it would be quite an easy task to say the Wayne foundation is funding a bear sanctuary

Damian: ☺️ thank you Alfred

Bruce: turns to Ras why would you gift Damian a bear cub

Ra's: it was on his wishlist, and only the best for my grandsons, also you owe me child support

Bruce: ready to throw hands at this point

Alfred: smirks

Jason: trying really hard not to laugh

Ra's: ofcourse I'll let it go if you let the boy keep the bear cub in fact I have another gift but it won't be arriving for about a week 🙂.. he then turns to Damian you should give your mother a call she said something about wanting to plan something I'm really not sure what it is she's on about but regardless I think she'd like your input ... Well actually both your inputs

Bruce: sighs fine they get to keep the bear and we'll build the damn sanctuary but Damian i expect you to have it at least potty trained and do not under any circumstances let it in the kitchen I do not need a repeat of last time you got a new pet

Ra's: happy that he's annoyed the fuck out of Bruce and got his grandsons Great gifts my job here is done he claps his hands and his assassins fade back into the shadows

Jason: already lounging on a couch reading

It was an unusually quiet day at the Justice League Watchtower. The usual buzz of superhero discussions was muted—mainly because everyone was currently trying to hold back their laughter, which was proving difficult.

In the center of the room stood Bruce Wayne, his usual stoic expression in place. Next to him, with a big, toothy grin and an enthusiastic thumbs-up, was none other than Dick Grayson, the newest (and most unexpected) addition to Bruce’s family.

“Okay, let’s get this straight,” Green Lantern (John Stewart) said, arms crossed, trying to maintain his composure. “You—Bruce Wayne—the guy who can’t stand people touching his stuff, who’s basically married to his Batmobile… you adopted a kid?”

Bruce’s expression didn’t falter. “Yes, I adopted Dick. He needed a home, and I am perfectly capable of providing that.”

“By adopting him?” Wonder Woman asked, looking mildly incredulous as she hovered nearby, adjusting her bracelets. “You, a man of few words, adopting someone who practically never stops talking?”

Dick, standing next to Bruce, winked and immediately launched into a dramatic monologue. “Oh, Diana, you have no idea. This guy has to have a talk with me every single day about something, and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard the Bat-speech at least a thousand times about how ‘no one can know who I am, or how to make my own lunch.’” He turned to Bruce with a smirk. “I mean, really, Dad. You could at least let me pick out my own cereal. How many different types of granola do we really need?”

Bruce didn’t even blink. “Granola is a healthy choice. You’ll thank me later.”

“Sure, but can’t we vary the grains a little bit? I’m not saying I’m trying to get all wild—but maybe some chocolate chips once in a while?”

John was rubbing his temples, his voice rising in frustration. “Wait. Chocolate chips in the cereal? What is happening? Bruce, you’re a billionaire! You can buy an entire bakery, and you’re limiting him to granola? You don’t even buy the kid Lucky Charms once in a while?”

Bruce shot him a pointed look. “It’s not about the cereal, John. It’s about responsibility.”

“Dad, can I at least have the funny shaped cereal?” Dick chimed in again, looking at Bruce with big puppy eyes. “You know, the ones with the dinosaurs?”

The entire League collectively groaned, and even Superman, who usually kept his cool, was looking more and more like he needed to step out for some fresh air.

“Bruce, come on,” Flash said, wiping a tear from his eye as he tried to suppress a grin. “You’ve got a kid now. You’re… actually a parent. You’re not just the brooding, mysterious, ‘don’t touch my Batcave’ guy anymore. You’re—well, you’re Dad.” He did air quotes with his fingers. “I mean, look at you. You’re practically the ‘cool dad’ in a sitcom.”

Dick, always one for dramatic flair, threw his arm around Bruce’s shoulders and leaned in close. “That’s right. Dad’s basically Superdad. He does my homework for me. He even fixed my bike—while giving me a lecture on the importance of safety precautions when riding it. I think I might be learning something from him.”

Bruce barely reacted, but there was a subtle twinkle of pride in his eyes.

Green Lantern was not having it. “So, we’ve gone from Bruce Wayne, Bat of Gotham, to Dad of Gotham. This is officially happening. This is real. He actually adopted someone who—oh my gods—doesn’t even know how to do laundry?”

“Oh, I know how to do laundry!” Dick cut in, looking horrified at the idea of his inadequacies being aired out. “I just don’t always follow the rules, okay?”

“And that, my dear Dick,” Batman said with the faintest smirk, “is why I’m going to make you fold your own laundry from now on.”

The room fell silent. Everyone stared at Bruce.

“I have to do what?” Dick asked in disbelief, looking up at his new dad with wide, innocent eyes.

“Folding laundry is part of responsibility, Dick. If you want to be in this family, you’re going to need to learn how to do things like a proper member of society. Start with sorting colors.”

“Ughhh, fine,” Dick grumbled, but there was something endearing about the way he was trying to resist, as though he wanted to be a little more rebellious, but couldn’t help but melt under Bruce’s dad-voice.

“You’re going to love it,” Bruce continued, ever so patiently, as if lecturing on laundry was the most important thing in the world. “It’s simple. It’s organized. It makes sense.”

John Stewart, who had been quietly watching this dynamic, sighed. “This is not what I signed up for. A kid actually listening to Batman? Can we just talk about how you’re training him like a tiny soldier?”

“Well, Dick is very trainable,” Bruce said, the faintest grin tugging at the corner of his lips. “I am the best at teaching responsibility.”

Dick threw his hands up in the air. “Yes, yes, we get it! I’m learning, okay? Can we please just have lunch now? I’m starving. I swear, the only thing you’ve taught me so far is how to eat kale and granola.”

“Granola’s healthy,” Bruce repeated, his voice firm.

“That’s it. I’m going out for pizza. I can’t be part of this,” Flash said, turning on his heel, but there was still a smile tugging at his lips. “Just don’t burn the house down while you’re being ‘Dad,’ Bruce.”

“I won’t burn the house down, Barry. You’ve been watching too many movies,” Bruce replied with an eye roll, but then added, "And Dick, we’re having kale for dinner. Please don’t argue."

Dick groaned dramatically, flopping onto the couch. “You’re the worst parent ever,” he muttered.

“Eat your kale, Dick.”