#fuckgod

I am overwhelmed today in my journey toward healing from religious trauma.  All that I know is that I am definitely going through it.  I’m having a good day otherwise but I acknowledge that there is a layer coming to the surface. 

I think my restlessness stems from all of that; and recognizing that it truly is an abusive relationship that I am walking away from.  I blame myself and then I recognize that I didn’t know any better. I blame my parents and then I recognize that they didn’t know any better.  And then I feel overwhelmed because I’m not allowed to blame anyone.  AM I? 

My relationship with God was abuse

God is abusive

Christianity is abusive

I thought that the reason I was falling for so many toxic relationships was because my parents were emotionally challenged and I was a very sensitive child.  We are polar opposites.  But it’s not just that, it’s something less tangible because it was God that was abusive.  That ideology was mental slavery.  

That is a whole world that I now have to work toward peeling away for the bullshit it always was.  It’s not my fault that I am slow to recognize when someone is taking advantage of me.  It is not my fault that I don’t know myself.  I grew up learning to think outside of me and forsake myself. I learned that being a woman is worthless and inferior.  I learned that I will always be wretched and only God can love me.  That is so fucked up!!!!!!