#from soft

#10: Millicent

Pros: Badass Valkyrie warrior woman. Cons: Is rotting a little, but not a deal breaker

Reasoning: What is there to say? She's cool, she's tough, she's honorable, she has the pride to hold onto herself even in death. She fights by our side, she sees us an equal. She has just a hint of crazy in her, but not enough to end up killing me. She's like a travel sized Melania but less likely to stab me with anything I don't consent to being stabbed with. Peak lesbian warrior woman, I am down on my knees for her. For sexual purposes? To propose? Why not both?

#9: Iron Fist Alexander

Pros: Perfection personified. Cons: Technically not fuckable.

Reasoning: I don't think Alexander is capable of sex. When it comes to livign Jar biology, the clay seems to be their actual body. The innards are kinda incidental. They can seemingly removed and add them as they see fit, and can exist just fine without them.

Alexander wouldn't want to engage in sex even if offered. He'd probably laugh and say something like "Ah ha! I've heard of this sort of thing between you and your compatriots. A melding of flesh and emotion as it were? Ha ha! Not unlike our innards I bet! I wouldn't bother with such behavior, it's unbecoming of a warrior such as I. Besides, that kind of melding seems to be far less permanent than ours."

However, I am certain that he would let me fuck someone else inside him. He wouldn't even bat an eye, he'd just enjoy the experience of two warriors bonding inside him. "Quite a display of trust to include me in such an intimate little tarry! Hah ha! How wondrous!"

#8: Lunar Princess Ranni

Pros: Mean Sexy Evil Witch Lady Who Kills God Cons: "Are we the baddies?"

Reasoning: I didn't want Ranni to end up this high on the list. She technically can't have sex since she is a doll puppet, and doesn't seem particularly interested anyway.

But I mean... she's the daughter of Radagon and Rennala, two of the horniest most bisexual characters in the entire FromSoft catalogue. (only surpassed by Marika, who is also Radagon.)

If she was in her original red-haired 8 foot tall body, she would literally clench and rip your dick off in a millisecond. She'd bend you over and fuck you so hard your spine would be curled into a pretzel.

No matter how fuckable she was in the past, we have to come to terms with the fact that she is pretty evil. She gets a lot of innocent people killed in her "ends justify the means" methodology. (Her means are pretty good, I mean, killing the Greater Will benefits literally everybody.) But we can't overlook just how many innocents she tramples underfoot. She allies with Rykrad, abuses Albinaurics, and creates the Deathblight plague in her attempt to escape her fate.

It's gonna happen, she's gonna rearrange your guts like an origami calendar no matter what you do. So you might as well steer into the skid.

#7: Fia, The Deathbed Companion

Pros: Enjoys some good warm, lifely vigour Cons: Skeleton Skeleton Skeleton Skeleton Skeleton

Reasoning: Fia is rather complex. She supports the downtrodden, cares for those who need her, and seeks to reshape the word into a kinder place...

But she is also full of bugs. And skeletons. And the lifely vigour of many champions. And you are next.

She is a huge creep, but she fucks so good she brings back the dead. You are legally obligated to obey her and partake in the sweet nectar of the Baldachin Blessing at least once before you become a skeleton, even if it results in you becoming a skeleton way faster than anticipated.

#6: Latenna the Albinauric

Pros: Loyal Companion, Loves Dogs Cons: None, don't you dare say otherwise.

Reasoning: Weirdly enough, Latenna won out against a LOT of other NPCs. She's just a good person with genuinely no faults. Is that boring? Or marriage material? I know my answer. She hates Gideon, she loves dogs, she wants to put a birthing droplet (cum) in Phillia. We have so much in common it's crazy.

#5: Rennala, Queen of the Fullmoon

art credit: @chaospyromancy https://www.tumblr.com/chaospyromancy/679194108441608192/rennala-took-the-dog-in-the-divorce?source=share

Pros: Giant depressed bisexual witch lady Cons: Extremely Divorced

Reasoning: Rennala is the poster child for sexual prowess in the Land's Between. Literally the only feasible way for Radagon to trade up was to marry himself. She can rip a hole in a man's bussy from 50 meters away, and that's WHILE she is depressed.

In her prime, there wouldn't even be a list, because she would have fucked everyone else to death already.

#4: Sorceress Sellen

Pros: Mean, Heretic, Creepy, Crazy Cons: Mean, Heretic, Creepy, Crazy

Reasoning: I really didn't expect her to get this high in the rankings. Sellen is mean, she has committed war crimes, she probably holds the same racist beliefs towards albinaurics and misbegotten that the rest of the Carians do, and she made me kill an old man in silly pants.

But I can't say no to her. Could you? My fist has been inside her soul, that's a bond you can't break even after being smashed into a giant ball of screaming mages.

She is the toxic ex who keeps hitting you up whenever your life is finally back on track, only to ruin it the moment she leaves your bedroom. And you'd do it again happily, no matter how many times it happens.

#3: Patches

Pros: He's Patches Cons: He's Patches

Reasoning: There was originally a different NPC for #3, but Patches stole the position, sorry about that.

Even still, you are already fucking Elden Ring characters. You aren't a real fan if you don't make an exception for him. He's slightly below average in terms of sexual prowess, but I mean... You have to try it out at least once.

#2: Nepheli Loux

Pros: Everything Cons: Nothing

Reasoning: Nepheli is the most morally upstanding character in Elden Ring. She fights for the little guy, she questions her own morals, she tells Gideon to go blow himself, she apologizes to her enemies, she upholds the values and traditions of a vanished civilization.

Plus she is fucking ripped, and is as close to banging Hoarah Loux you can get while managing to survive afterwards. There are more compelling characters, more dangerous characters with more dynamic sexual aspects, but Nepheli has literally no drawbacks as a partner. She's more of a hero than the player is, and that's honestly a sexier quality than most people give it credit for.

Is she is a little bit sad? You fool, you absolute fool. Give her a bird and she will come back as a fucking Queen of an entire kingdom.

She's the #1 sexiest Elden Ring Character for a reason. If given the choice between every other NPC, she is the obvious choice and always-

what do you mean I miscounted? She isn't #1? Well the. who the hell is?

#1: Miriel, Pastor of Vows

Pros: Turtle Pope Cons: Not even gonna consider any.

Reasoning: Not even in a sexual way. He's ascended beyond the need for sex.

But he is our pastor, and all of the NPCs I marry on this list will be officiated by this Turtle. And the consummation of all those marriages will also occur directly in front of him at his request. "All things yearn to be conjoined" indeed.

Rapid-fire list of all the NPC's I'd actually want to marry:

Nepheli Loux

Latenna

Millicent

Yura

Boggart

Melina

Diallos

Blaidd

Roderika

(all of the Valkyrie sisters)

Rogier

Rya

Kalé

Hewg

Boc

Thops

I've noticed that this list was definitely influenced more by "are they a good enough person to justify sex" rather than strictly just "are they hot?" I guess it's because I genuinely don't find jerks attractive. That might be a healthy mentality, but then again I also made these posts, so stable mental health isn't really something I can claim with much confidence right now.

And it is finished... I can't believe I wrote all of this (i mean I can, i just don't like it.)

If this gets enough likes and reblogs I'll... I don't know, rank all the spirit summons by how long they would survive squid game, or be able to catch Kira, or which degree they would get if they went community college. I'll figure it out when I figure it out.