#french boy

I just never thought I'd feel it with him.

I should be happy he stayed. But somehow, I think things might've turned out differently if I'd crossed cities and left behind jobs and opportunities in pursuit of him. And maybe that's what scared him. Safer to stay here, because if he breaks my heart, at least I'll be surrounded by familiarity. Lessen the pain. Ease the guilt.

Because to me, this feels inevitable. When you feel like you're not enough, all endings seem inevitable.

After all, how can I not feel inadequate or like I'm not 'enough' when our whole relationship has been laden with out-loud admiration for others' beauty, interspersed with subtle suggestions of watching other women take off their clothes hidden behind humour, and sprinkled with reminders that there is no guarantee for how he will feel about me in the future?

And then I feel like I can only blame myself. You knew the flags were there, you saw them. He was still with his girlfriend when he got in the accident. Still together when we sat flirting at the wine bar. If he acted towards another woman now the way he'd acted towards me then... I would be crushed. I know he loves flirting with other people because he told me. And to me, that feels so deeply disrespectful of the relationship. He told me that he left an ex-girlfriend because he met someone else. This has happened twice now.

So how can I feel safe or secure when I feel like I'm one beautiful woman away from having everything ripped away? One late night with too many Negronis with colleagues after work. The threat of anything going wrong—a natural dip, a downfall moment, an argument—leading to solitude and blissful escape being found with someone who is not me. I am humiliated, desolate, and without the things that I wanted. I feel this deep, all-encompassing pressure to be everything, all the time. Be the best. The most beautiful, the funniest, the most thoughtful, the most charming, the most radiant, the most magnetic, the most impressive, be the one that any guy wishes he could have.