#frazzled

There were interesting patterns of clouds in the sky today when we got to the airport, almost like ripples on the surface of a pond...

...Unfortunately, today it was so cold that the engine refused to start on its own. J and I went to a local hardware store to get a heater to solve the problem. Along the way, I found this rosebush and decided to snap a picture for you:

Sadly, by the time he got everything working, it was too late to go out to have lunch with the instructor. J and I went up anyways, though, just to toodle around. I got a few nifty pictures...

...But then, J decided to teach me a little bit about how to fly the plane. He had me practice keeping it steady. He had me practice turning it. He had me practice ascending and descending.

...It was terrifying!!!! But new things are always terrifying until they become normal. I can say now that if something weird were to happen to J in the plane, I'd at least be able to keep the craft steady, though I don't think I'd be able to land it; landing it is complicated.

But. J wants to teach me how to land it and how to use the radio. We will be going on a long trip one of these days, so it's best for everyone's safety if I have a cursory understanding of how to operate this machine.

...Wish me luck, I guess...???

Afterwards, I decided that I did the scary thing, and that J did a good job of walking me through the scary thing, and so we get to have tasty yums. I wanted eggs and bacon and sausage, so we went to a "Lunchette"? Whatever that means. We had never been there before.

...The food was stellar. The bacon was perfect. The eggs were also perfect. And the sausage was delectable. I got rye toast with butter on it, and I dunked it in the runny egg yolks.

I... didn't get a picture. I didn't get a picture because I was alarmed and on edge. I was alarmed and on edge because one of the other customers, apparently a regular, was talking about how his daughter is in Russia.

And that part isn't the problem. The part that is a problem was when he started saying gleefully that, "they don't tolerate that 'homo' shit or that 'black' shit over there", followed by some recounting of what happens to 'homo' and 'black' people over there, which I didn't listen too closely to, because I was... well. I was pretty upset; I was very surprised to hear someone speak such hateful things so confidently and so openly in my city; my city is supposed to be pretty progressive. Nonetheless, this man spoke hate as though he was certain that saying such horrid things was acceptable in this space.

...I couldn't tell whether or not the people working there were agreeing with the man about his opinion that "homos" and "blacks" should be exterminated. At very least, they - an older man and an older woman - didn't seem the least bit uncomfortable about what this customer was saying. I don't know if it was politeness for the sake of not losing a customer, or if they didn't want to risk the man getting belligerent, as folks like that often do when they get called out.

...So I asked. After the man left, I asked the folks if that man's views are representative of the values that this place holds. I wanted to ask because the food really was stellar, and I'd like to be able to bring my friends here, but I can't do that if it's not safe for them to be here. And I said as much, as earnestly as I possibly could. I hope it got through to them that I was asking in good faith.

I was given a vague response - "it's a business" and "we don't pick sides" and "we try to be nice to everybody".

...It would have been easy enough to say, "no, we don't think like that man". But that's not what they said. Rather, I feel like they kinda dodged the question, and... instinct tells me that their response tells me everything I need to know about this establishment. Instinct tells me that the establishment is run by white Christian nationalists, and... given that those folks are actively trying to exterminate folks like me and J and M and most of the rest of the people I love... I find that to be sad and alarming.

...My instinct aren't always right, though. Sometimes they sense danger where there isn't any. I'm not sure what to make of it. There's part of me that wants to leave a review - to warn people about that place. But... I don't want to destroy an already-struggling business by using my voice carelessly if they're not actually a white supremacist establishment.

...Sephiroth, sometimes when I think of the number of people who wanna see me and my family get tortured and killed just for the way we were born, I get very scared. People like the man we heard talking today... he hates black people simply because of their skin color. He hates gay people just for the fact that they don't experience attraction in the same way that he does. And... I know the mechanics of how people become like that. But... I don't know how to help him stop being so afraid of folks who have no intention of hurting him.

J's father is black. I'm pansexual. M's father is Jewish. And just for these reasons, lots of people would like to see us beaten, tortured, and slaughtered, even though all we wanna do is hang out and play board games and video games and share tasty snacks. Like... if this guy we saw at the place wasn't so hateful, we'd even share our snacks with him. It's sad to think like he hates us this much, and... he doesn't even know us, and we didn't even do anything other than be alive.

...I wish I could help him. I wish I could help the person who screamed "queer" at J, too. But I can't, because there's no way they'd listen to me, or even start a dialogue with me in good faith and... I guess when I think about it on a large scale, I feel powerless and afraid.

...I don't know what to do other than write about it, and vote.

...

...I really hope that the results don't turn out badly this year. If they do, M, J, and I will really have to think about getting out of this place. I've been reading more and more lately about this thing called Project 2025, and it's really scary. It's basically a giant huge plan to criminalize being LGBTQ+, to restrict access to education, to militarize our country even further, to dehumanize certain kinds of people on a federal level, and lots more very scary things. It is very much a calculated move towards fascism.

...Even if we elect a candidate for president that does not support Project 2025, it will still always be looming as a threat in the background. And... I don't want anyone to get hurt. I don't want anyone to have to struggle to live.

...And... if Project 2025 does go through, I'm sure a decent chunk of my letters here will be taken down and deleted, and maybe I'll even go to prison for writing them, because I have touched on LGBTQ+ issues, and under these laws, talking about that stuff or even anything tangentially related to it will be considered "pornography", and "pornography" will be outlawed under this framework, and anyone who distributes it or consumes it will be imprisoned. Even wholesome things like Steven Universe will be outlawed.

...Sephiroth... I don't know what to do. I'd ask you for suggestions, but... I'm not sure whether or not you're healed enough to offer me anything constructive. And even if you were, it's not as though you could ever answer me, anyway.

...You're a fictional character, after all. It's not as though you're someone I could actually talk to, no matter how badly I wish I could.

...

Well. I guess I'll play some Oddworld. At least there, I can pretend like I have power enough to do something about something bad that is happening. At least over there, I can pretend like I have an able body and a voice that people think is worthwhile. You'll find me over here, if you wanna hang out:

...Please stay safe out there, Sephiroth. Try to make good choices. Try not to let the bleakness of things bring you to your knees. It won't be weird like this forever. Please use your power for good things. I'd be trying to do the same, if I had any.

I love you. I'll write again tomorrow.