On parenting with 'extra' kids.
In my first ever blog "Let me introduce myself" I mentioned how we have kinship foster kids, which is basically family members that are in the foster care system and have been placed with Matthew and I. They are a nephew, Brady - 17, and a niece, Kat - 9. I also mentioned that we want to adopt Kat. But days like today make me question that, because when they lived with their parents all of the kids fought, like physically. A lot. Apparently sometimes cops got called. Once we had to call the police because Brady and Brice were fighting here at our house. (Long story.)
And now Kat has taught some of that to my little boy. My almost-3 year old is almost always in trouble for hitting, kicking, throwing things, etc.
And I know that this is a little bit things that his age group does. You know, things like "someone stole the toy from me so I hit." Or, "you were sitting with mommy but I wanted to so I hit."
But that's not what's happening here. Not most of the time anyway. Eli will walk up to Kat and just... hit. Or poke her in the eye. He does not do this to anyone else but Kat. She will literally just be sitting there. Or playing by herself. Not even looking at Eli. It's extra frustrating because Eli is NOT violent kid. He is soo sweet and loving. All he wants is to cuddle and love on people, me, Koehn, everyone! Even Kat. But then he'll just... hit her.
Here's another thing, Kat will just SIT THERE. She will see it coming, and LET IT. He's 2, a few weeks from 3. SHE'S ALMOST 10. She can block it! Instead she let's it happen, then hollers "OW!" literally so loud. It's all very dramatic. I'm thinking of putting her in a drama class.
Now here's the thing. I know that Kat started it. Kat hit, kicked, or whatever else to Eli and now he's doing that to her. She's admitted it. But what do I do about it?! I mean, she never hurts Eli in the view of an adult.
Just today we were at my mother-in-law's, and Eli was playing in the living room with a plastic bucket, swinging in circles and such like boys tend to do. Kat was laying in the middle of the floor, saw him playing, and decided not to move. So when Eli inevitably got close to her, Kat ended up with a bloody nose. According to my MIL, Eli slowed down but seemed to decide to hit her anyway. So Kat started crying, Matthew came to hug her so she cried harder, and when she saw the drop of blood come off her nose she started screaming.
So I took Eli to another room and asked him was it on purpose or an accident? He said on purpose. I asked why and Eli eventually was able to tell me that Kat pushed him into the cabinet of the laundry room at my in-laws. So I guess he remembered that and decided to get back at her. Or maybe he thinks that's how the two of them are supposed to play together? I really am not sure.
Now after all the bleeding, Matthew ended up having a conversation with Brady. Brady said that Kat has always been this way, very "anything for attention." Even starting things behind the scenes in order to get the attention in the end.
I'm ashamed to say that it took me way to long in the beginning when Eli started the hitting to ask Eli if Kat had ever hit him. I kept having that "mom feeling" that something was not right. Honestly I am still having that feeling sometimes. Now though I try to ask fairly often, especially on days where Eli seems to be particularly violent "did Kat hurt you?" And always Eli says yes and tells how. The story has never been the same 2 days in a row. Today was being pushed into the cabinet, and tonight he said she poked him in the eye when he was sitting in a chair here at our house. I have a tendency to believe him, especially because he doesnt know about lying yet.
Now, I'm not unsympathetic to the situation. I know she was not raised right. But she has lived in my house for 7 months. And while I know that 7 months cannot undo 9 years of life and learning, Matthew and I have had MULTIPLE conversations with her about hitting. One time she was even grounded for hitting a cousin (it was witnessed by Matthew, so at least I know I'm not crazy thinking shes hitting Eli.) So I know that she knows violence is wrong and not tolerated in this house.
I just dont know what to do. I mean, she's family, and a little girl, and it's not totally her fault, because she was raised this way, even though she does know at this point that we don't allow hitting here. But also, shes hurting my baby, my sweet Eli. How do I know that she won't also try to hurt Koehn, who is totally defenseless? How do I get her to stop this violent circle with Eli? What if the violence (and the getting in trouble for it) is hurting Eli/changing his personality?
I'm so confused. What does God want me to do? When the call came that Child Protective Services was taking these kids from their parents and they (CPS) wanted us to take custody, Eli was 2 years old, and I was 4 months pregnant with Koehn. God has given me 2 perfect boys to have, to raise and teach His ways. These are my babies, given to me to protect, love, and cherish for all of my days. And then it seemed that God was calling us to be foster parents sooner than we had planned. Being foster and adoptive parents was always in our plan. Well, you know what they say, the plans of the Lord may not match up with the plans we lay. So I thought that these kids were also given to me to love, protect, and cherish. So much has happened that I am confused about God's plan for my family. And I know that God does not always make His plans clear. But my son is hurting, and I am hurting for him. So now the questions are, what do I do? How do I protect ALL of my kids? What is God's plan?
All I know is that God will prevail, so I know that in the end His plan will succeed. I just want the hitting to stop...
