#forlove

The sobs stopped a while ago. He’s not sure if it was minutes or hours. Dean’s leaning his head against the cold wall. His eyes are closed because as long as he keeps them closed he can just barely see Cas instead of the empty room. Instead of The Empty. Everything hurts. He knows he has to get up soon. He’ll have to explain this to Sam, as if it could be put into words. He has to function, because there’s still a job to do. He’s just not sure why he wants to do it anymore if this is all there is.

So Dean goes through the motions. He pulls himself off the floor. He washes his face, and remembers staring at himself as tried to hold on to slipping memories. “And Cas is… my best friend?” Even then he knew he was lying to himself. He tries not to look at the bloody handprint on his shoulder. He tries not to hear the echo of Cas saying “I love you” before he left him, for good. 

And Sam comes home. And Jack knew before Dean even started trying to explain. And his voice is flat and there’s nothing left anymore. The grief and regret and longing are too big to feel and he’s numb in a way that feels worse than feeling does. Dean sinks to the bottom of a well and hides himself there while on the surface he keeps moving and keeps working because there’s no time and there’s no choice. There’s never been any choice. 

There’s a moment, when he’s driving and it’s just the roar of the engine and Sam’s grim face next to him. That he lets himself think it. “I love you too, Cas.” He could have shouted it. He wants to scream it until his voice breaks. But he swallows it down and blinks it away and keeps driving. 

He’s going to do this job. He’s not going to waste Cas’s final sacrifice. And then, somehow, he’s going to find a way to get him back and to prove to him that his final moment was barely a shadow of the happiness he could feel. He could have. Dean clenches his hand on the steering wheel and risks a glance at Sam. Sam already knows. Maybe he’s always known. And Sam nods in return, and they go to work.

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