#fontaines

Falling down on her sofa, the coffee table still littered in bottles, her view on the TV was limited. And when Deego and Sarah had offered to help her clean she was still confident that she could do it on her own. Clear the table of bottles and any other left-over, wash the dishes, put it all back and fall into the scenery of normal life again when she had just witnessed what she was confident was her ideal reality. Spending time with the people she loved simply because she could.

Throwing her head back in exhaustion, she pulled each limb of hers up by an imaginary string that made her dance like a puppet across societies stage. Performing for as long as she was still attached to the string. Throwing each bottle into the trash, drowning the plates in hot water and making it fun with too much soap added. Almost burning her skin when she put her hands in to finish the task. Ending the script with her head in her hands as the dirty water is being drained from her sight.

Turning around to watch the place look almost normal again though something still lingered that hasn't been there before. The laughter and conversations burning itself into her heartstrings, tucking her deeper into melancholy the longer she stared at where the scenes played out. Deep fears sickening her as the record stopped and she was stuck in silence again.

Catching sight of everything that could cure her loneliness, her eyes stayed focused on something that wasn't meant to be there. Walking closer it got clearer. A little black notebook she had bought as a gift years ago, though now it was decorated with stickers and little drawings. The message she glued onto the inside of the cover now slightly aged with the ink washed out though the name for who it was meant was still identifiable. Grian. And once empty pages were now filled with quotes, poems and thoughts. Lyrics piling up from the year she'd given it to him to only recent notes attached to the last pages. Almost completely filled with whatever he thought was worth writing down to remember again when it had been long pushed into the back of his mind.

Reading the first page felt wrong but once she found familiarity in foreign words her curiosity got the better of her and she turned the page. Falling down on her chair when her legs got too tired to hold her aching body up. Familiarity turning into recognition and soon enough she knew exactly what he was referring to. Having read the lyrics to Fontaines songs one too many times made her aware of how he used his metaphors and word plays. One too many nights spent awake made her mind feel more alive now.

Though before she could attach the little parts of the puzzle where the pieces already fit her phone rang. The bright light of her screen breaking through the comfortable golden light casted from her lamps and the streets outside her window. Grian.

"Hey," she answered, eyes still focused on the page in front of her.

"Hey," he sounded stressed, pacing and running his hand through his hair as his hands had found his jacket pocket empty after returning home. "Yer haven't seen my book by any chance, have you?"

"I-." Panic rose within her as she slapped the book shut. Nervously glancing around every corner like he could see her sitting with his words sprawled out in her lap. "It could be around here somewhere. What does it look like?"

"Do you remember the one notebook you bought me for my birthday after 'A Hero's Death' because I complained about not having any left at home?" he had recalled it with such clarity that her breath got caught mid thought.

"Vaguely but I think so, yes." Shuffling around the room, putting it back to where she found it like she had read no confession that was being said within the pages. "Does it have stickers and stuff now on it?"

"Yeah, Carlos thought they would fit," he laughed at the revelation and memory at once. Embarrassment filling him as he thought back to what it was covered in.

"They do," she confirmed, voice quieter than he'd ever heard it. Softer than when she spoke to anyone else. His heart fell unconscious for a second as he wanted to write the sound and feeling of it down though the place to put it was with her.

"Can I pick it up tomorrow?" Breaking the silence felt wrong when the silence felt so comfortable.

"You could just pick it up now, it's not that far." Looking out the window down the street, through windows and walls she could already see his building. The light in his apartment being the only one still burning at this hour.

"I'll be there in a minute."

Falling into a quick pace around her living room, she tried to avoid looking at it as if it would burn her the moment she did. Words he'd written for her still lingering even after she tried to wash them away. Getting no peace of mind until her doorbell rung and he stood in front of it, heavy breathing like he'd run to get there before she could read too much only that he was too late. Something he noticed when he was the look in her eyes. Fear and truth intertwined with confessions she never meant to hear.

"I- I can explain," he said as she stepped aside to let him in. Avoiding his eyes as she closed the door behind him, leaving them to be back where it all began.

Back when Deego had introduced them to her, befriending the weird cousin paid out when he went on to be part of one of the best bands coming out of Ireland. Back when Grian was still too shy to even say hello to her and lost his last nerve when she smiled at him like they've known each other for years. Which they now have. Going out with the guys and walking along the London streets whenever they were in town. Stumbling home drunk and saying prose she only half remembered. Though all of that was enough to make him fall deeper and deeper each time she threw her arms around his neck and urged him to dance with her beneath the moonlight.

"You've become somewhat of a muse in a sense." Tapping the spine of the book against his palm made the truth seem less harsh. The words on the pages evident in their origin but his were now chosen with thought. "Everything you do is so poetic in a way. Capturing it felt right when forgetting it made me regret not paying more attention. It's been like this for a while."

"Is that all you see? A muse. Something interesting until it's veins are dried out and you tear the skin from it's bones and find a new body to worship?" Her words sounded bitter when they were meant to be burning. Her tongue not catching fire but rather dissolving under too much salt thrown into the wound that was her whole existence.

"I wish it was that simple." Laughing in mockery, he turned to her, finally catching her gaze with his. Finally standing on even round. "But it's so much more. Everything about you is so much more than skin and bones.

She couldn't bag away when he stepped closer. Notebook left to be forgotten once more on the drawer with her keys on them. The metal clinging when the force of his movement pushed it together. Singing the first note of a song that was just being written.

"You're so much more. And you know that now."

Her eyes flickered back to the notebook, words imprinted on her mind. She couldn’t just forget them now. She couldn’t keep on ignoring what she had been feeling for a while already.

"What do you want me to do now?" He had asked her without overstepping the thin line they had laid out over the years. Tiptoeing at the edge of the cliff but not yet falling and hitting the ground. His bones were still intact. His heart was still beating - beating for her.

Swallowing everything she wanted to scream at him, only keeping the necessary in her vocabulary, her voice came out almost invisible. Like her reason was only a portion of her mind that she never wanted to admit. But now at the blade she found herself under he held out a rope to save her.

"I want you to kiss me."

Without another word, he pulled her close. One hand wrapping around her waist like a vine while the other held her grounded by her face. Skin burning as it touched hers.

"I want you to love me."