#fof thoughts

Do you ever think about how he spends the near entirety of the show convincing himself that what he feels for the guy is bone-crushing disappointment and blame for how unrepentant Li Lun acts about his sins and for his unwillingness to grow, but then in a complete unmasking of the scorn he wears like a shield all along, he pleads for Li Lun's life to be spared. And how in doing that he contradicts the only belief that keeps him going—that an unforgivable sin must be repaid with a willing sacrifice, and a great evil be slain for the greater good.

In offering Li Lun a choice (take the primordial root, spare the innocent child) he's making the willing choice to step away from evil the condition upon which hinges Li Lun's salvation. But he doesn't offer himself the same second chance. Does he really, actually believe in accepting your karma and making amends then, or is that just self-harm masked as righteousness?

Is Li Lun just the unfortunate stand-in for Zhao Yuanzhou's self-hatred?

No, no, get this, it makes so much sense. He wants Li Lun to live and to redeem himself, and yet he can't bring himself to offer the root, aka said condition for Li Lun's salvation. He's about to, goes there to have that conversation, and then he just. Freezes entirely. In that moment, Li Lun's crimes against humans are entangled and undistinguishable from his own in his mind. Quite tellingly, he's unable to admit he never condemned Li Lun, but what he always, always blamed was the devastating effect of letting malicious energy take control of you. And that's 100% projection. It's not about Li Lun at all.

In loving Li Lun openly despite his sin, without pretense and without outright blame, he'd implicitly admit he is himself loveable. and that's such an impossible thing for him to grapple with, he prefers dressing it up as condemnation.

Li Lun is always so carefully guarded when it comes to his real feelings but that disbelieving, wounded eye tremble when Zhao Yuanzhou shows concern about Wen Xiao's pain always gets me. It's all but saying "oh, you care about her suffering, but not the fact that I'm plagued with the slow torture you put in my body?" He doesn't see it coming, just like how he didn't see it coming that Zhao Yuanzhou would take Zhao Wan'er' side and turn against him. And in that shock, he forgets for a second to mask how much that hurts. He lets it show, not that Zhao Yuanzhou is looking. Cause Zhao Yuanzhou is never looking at him, these days.

This scene goes hand in hand with Zhao Yuanzhou getting psychosexual hallucinations of his demon ex husband haunting the body of his new human husband, and how the inherent terror of those blurred identities unveils both Zhao Yuanzhou and Ji Ling's most deep-seated, most repressed and yet painfully visceral desire: being known, seen through completely, disarmingly, and beloging anyway. The community of souls only born from going through the highs and lows of fate with someone who has seen all of you, including the worst, most unlovable parts you don't want to acknowledge as parts of you.

This longing is something that both Zhao Yuanzhou and Ji Ling keep buried deep. They don't dare speak of it, of how much it hurt to have shared everything with someone, to have loved them and still love them and need them at your side, and yet not get to. They pretend there isn't an open wound in their heart, despite how much it bleeds into every relationship they form ever since. How it shapes them into people who already expect loss before they even let themselves love someone else fully. In their mind's eye, that loss becomes an inevitability, and one that they dread something fierce.

The doomed past and the more compassionate present blur together, cruelly taunting them. Who are they facing? Their new friend, or the person they didn't get to hold on to? Is there a difference between them?

The dread of Li Lun possessing Zhuo Yichen's body to kill Zhao Yuanzhou is weighty, but so is ZYZ's fear of the past repeating itself. When he sees ZYC's features blur into LL's, it's not the possession he's terrified of. He imagines them at the altar of their old oaths to each other, where new oaths were formed with new people. Li Lun isn't just an enemy to defeat: it's Zhao Yuanzhou's past coming back to remind him of his broken promises, of his failed "forever"s. He doesn't need to physically possess Zhuo Yichen for Zhao Yuanzhou to feel his haunting, suffocating presence.

If Li Lun was a beloved close friend ZYZ was forced to part ways with by the cruelty of fate, but still painfully present in his life in a way ZYZ can't bear to extricate himself from, to put an end to, then the butterfly demon is that and worse. In the latter, the haunting is twofold: it's Yuan Wuhuo the butterfly demon possessing Li Jie, and it's Yuan Wuhuo the human haunting the replica, the painted skin, close enough to the original to taunt Ji Ling with regrets and unsolved issues, but not close enough to bring relief to that hurt, to offer any closure. His existence itself feels like a slight to the idealized memory of the great hero.

Fof is full of lines that hit so much harder on rewatch, but this one always gets me. It's not just the blatant nod at the future he just saw in Ying Long's illusion... it's the fact that he's talking from the standpoint of someone who knows this fate is already written and his hands already soiled in his best friend's blood, and yet still wants to fight for the chance to keep him alive against all reason

Ying Long wouldn't have let him emerge from the illusion if Zhuo Yichen hadn't proved his willingness to plunge his sword without hesitation, bearing the pain alone. And you can tell from the way he looks down at that specific line, at a loss for words despite clearly wanting to keep protesting the plan, that he knows this too. He knows that a future Zhao Yuanzhou will attempt to fling himself chest-fist into Cloud Light, just as he knows his own future self will not let him bear that impossible burden. This is their fate. Their curse. No amount of talking each other in circles will change Zhuo Yichen's willingness to do what needs to be done. And yet—

Right now is not the moment for that impossible loss, and so he says, Not yet.

The sword is mine; the choice is too. This is not where we are to part ways, and I won't let you or anyone else convince me to give you up a second sooner than I must.

Putting together that "Pagoda trees are naturally prone to attracting malicious energy" and the fact that Li Lun talks about himself and Zhao Yuanzhou as though they've known each other since birth, what if... And I'm saying what if

... They gained sentience as yao because of each other's proximity.

No, hear me out. Zhu Yan is literally the biggest source of malicious energy of the two realms. And Li Lun is a pagoda ghost tree. What if they naturally attracted each other and developed conscious thought to reach out

This might not be confirmed as part of their lore but I'm def incorporating it into my headcanons. In this light, their agonizing struggle to part ways for good makes so much more sense. How do you bring yourself to cut off someone who made you who you are

How are people not insane about these two. The devotion of making yourself an extension of someone's arm... The underlying desire to be one with him. One flesh and bones.