Earlier yesterday, I watched Bobbi's mother in law (the one with dementia) while she and Jesse went to have Rebel (their older dog) put to sleep. Here's a picture of him before they went and did that.

He had stomach cancer.

He was in excruciating pain.

I'm going to miss him.

It's very warm in my apartment right now. Even with the air on. It's about midnight here. I might try to write poetry or at least journal soon. I might even move to my desk and draw.

Right now I am sitting in bed.

I have canvases out, but I am afraid of wasting them. I'm tired of doing random abstract crap. I don't want to paint anymore until I get better at planning paintings. This involves learning how to transfer sketches to canvas instead of just winging it.

If I can't get myself to make anything, I may just read books, pray, and think about life. Not every session with plant medicine needs something to show for it.

I keep forgetting all these things that I want to do though. I want to use my CPAP more vigilantly but it's hard to put it on enough. I want to meditate, and do more breath work to strengthen my voice for singing. If I were more consistent about getting enough air when I sleep, and dedicating time to think about my life, I would show up for the goals I pursue a lot better.

I want to get a gym membership.

I want to get more into yoga too.

I have knee pads, mats, etc. but there's always some strong aversion which keeps me from doing it much. It hurts my knees, basically. The pads and mats don't help. I don't know what would. I want to take better care of my body but the weather isn't always suitable for walking here. It's not entirely safe either.

I want to play guitar but I can't afford lessons. I don't have time or money for that. I can slowly teach myself chords from YouTube, but without guidance from another musician, this doesn't last long. I wish I had some sort of mentor in the music world.

Last year was pretty poor for my daturas so when I planted dozens of seeds this winter and only a single one sprouted, I thought this might be the first year in a long time that I would have no plants. I had jars of seeds from Mescalero that were a bit old, and jars of various seed varieties from my own plants, plus a few seed packets from Eimi and I tossed a bunch in a plastic strawberry tray and didn’t feel hopeful. But lo, datura seedlings have sprouted, 125 by my count and I have no idea what varieties I’ve got here.

When I was ten years old or so, I convinced my parents to give me some money to do yard work. There was a massive bush that ran along our fence line — it was so big, I would crawl inside and use it as a spacious fort. My parents wanted it trimmed, but I decided to remove it entirely. It had branches bigger than my legs, but I was armed with loppers and confidence. At some point in the struggle,…