#fitin

So the other day I sat on the edge of my bed thinking why do the people that I like never like me back, for sure I attract some pretty good looking boys, but I never attract them for being me they always look at the body, the sex, and don’t even give themselves the chance of getting to know me.

I sat there for hours, almost missed an essay dealing because of the time wasting but eventually realised it isn't them but me. 

I don’t yet love myself, I am not where I want to be, my mental health isn’t healed. I have traumas, and problems, depression, and mild PTSD. I can’t expect to attract good energy from anyone when at times I can’t even deal with myself. 

I try so hard to fit in at times that I finish practically only listing the qualities of me that make me more sexually appealing than other girls, I never talk about the depths inside my head, the stories I believe in, what I cry about at night, what makes days brighter for me, or what triggers my complete loss of appetite for weeks on end. 

If I don't acknowledge these parts of me myself how can I ever expect someone to love me, its taken me 20 years to understand the concept of to love someone you must love yourself, but in reality I don’t even know who I am because of all the facades let alone love myself, it would be just like loving a stranger. 

... am sorry for my mistakes

… am sorry for disrespecting someone else´s feelings

… am sorry for not thinking about it

… am sorry for not being me

… am sorry for being someone else to fit in 

… am not like this

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