#firstyearnurse

I’m in my last residency meeting waiting to give my Evidenced Based Practice presentation to the nursing cohort and facilitators. A year ago I was in this same room, not to speak, but to listen to various staff members inform me about my new role as a nurse in the hospital. I remember their speeches filling me with both pride and anxiety as I realized I was now connected to an institution much bigger than myself. Could I live up to their expectations? Could I live up to mine? Would I survive?

One year later and I’m still here. My confidence is growing daily and I’m learning more on each and every shift. I’m no longer the newbie but that in no way means I know all the answers. In fact I ask at least ten questions every shift and when I no longer need to, it’s probably time to move on. My fits of anxiety have begun to wane and if they do flare up I simply remind myself: you’ve been here for a year kid. You got this. Trust me.

One year later and I’m working nights on an oncology floor. I don’t love the early morning hours, but I love that it has given me time to think in peace. It's not for the weak though. Most days I'm still recovering from the night before. Staying up at night does something to you. My sleep hours are shortened, interrupted, and filled with surreal dreams. But it's temporary. I've made it this far. I know I can do more. I won't let sleep stop me.

Last night, at change of shift one of the night shift nurses gave me a compliment. She said,

"Ava I just wanted to tell you that you're doing really well. Every time I have gotten report from you and followed your patients I haven't had a problem. I feel like we don't hear how well we are doing enough, so I thought you should know."

Ever since I started as a floor nurse I always get anxious when night shift takes over. There have been times I haven't dotted my "i"s or "t"s, in other words, I've made mistakes, and heard about it from them. So, it was a really nice change and a surprise when this nurse complimented me. I felt like, 'maybe I can do this...'

Being an RN, let alone a new RN is hard, it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, even harder than nursing school. Because now, this is the real-world. I am responsible for my patients during those 8 hours they are under my care. It's my nursing license on the line. And no matter how you did in nursing school, the real training, the real learning comes ON THE JOB!

I remember last week my friend (also an RN) and I had talked about the fact that compassion is part of our job when dealing with patients. However, as I have been working now, I realize sometimes we don't show compassion to each other, to our fellow nurses or the doctors we work alongside with. I've been guilty of it too at times, but I try my best to catch myself, stop and be more patient with whoever it is I am working with. 

The hospital can be a high-stress environment, but with the help of my daily yoga practice I am starting to manage it better than when I started. I am even more compassion for others than I ever thought possible, and in addition, I have found compassion towards myself...

Ever since I was young my inner voice was not very kind, to say the least. "She" was harsh, degrading, and violent with words. And for a very, very long time I believed every word. One of my favorite songs growing up was by Sarah McLachlan, "Good Enough." Sarah McLachlan's songs always understood me in ways I couldn't understand myself growing up.

"...he's never been there for you don't you know that why is simply not good enough so just let me try and I will be good to you just let me try and I will be there for you I'll show you why you're so much more than good enough..."

So, yes another example of how yoga has made me a more compassionate and loving person, that now I am "so much more than good enough."