For context, in 2013 my then husband admitted to something terrible.  It was terrible enough that he had to go to jail for a long time.

Child Protective Services, after several court hearings determined that I “knew or should have know that abuse was occurring in my home” and felt that due to my autism that I would not be able to tell if any further abuse occurred.  They took my sons, asked my in laws to take care of them while the court case was decided, then ultimately awarded my sons to them.  My First ex husband (the father of my daughter) was then able to leverage my perceived incompetence to choke down on my parenting rights to my daughter.  Strangely though, he did try to help me make sure I could still have visitation with her, but I later learned that this act was not altruistic but an attempt to get back with me.  Once I had a new boyfriend all illusion of nicety toward me vanished completely.

He then turned around and attempted to kill her 4 years later and she ended up with my Mom.

My ex in laws believed in their son’s innocence, (I don’t blame them for that, I would like to think that I would be different but i know I wouldn’t be were one of my sons accused of the same.)  It didn’t help matters that he was willing to tell me what he had done, he begrudgingly told friends, he willingly told the Ohio and Michigan Police, but he could not find it within himself to tell his parents.  Now whether or not that is admission of guilt or Innocence I will never truly know.  I believe he did what he is accused of, but I have also admittedly been dealing with the aftermath for 9 years now. 

It has changed my brain.  I did not used to have ADHD, I was able to turn my focus to things easily, and stay focused on them.  My brain’s very chemistry has changed.

Adding to that, my Mom wasn’t the most understanding, caring or concerned person in the world at all.  She was verbally, mentally, and yes even physically abusive through much of my childhood.  She had a very hard time regulating her emotions.  Being mentally ill, however, she doesn’t remember she did any of that.  She thinks that my pseudo avoidance of her isn’t for any sort of good reason at all.  I had filled this mother wound with my ex mother in law who now rejects me because I sent her son to jail...

SOOOOOO, as you can see, things are a bit fucky.  Things have gotten a bit better since my oldest son and I have been in regular contact.  It’s really tricky to explain to him how I feel, or why.  (He’s on here, I am very intentionally just writing and leaving this somewhere where he can find it so that he can read it at his own pace or tolerance level.) So, I’m going to see if I can explain this.

The Mother/Child bond is one of the few bonds that is not supposed to be called into question.  You should never, ever have to wonder if your Mother loves and misses you, the answer should always be yes.  I cannot speak for all Birthgivers here, but I can speak for me. 

 When I was pregnant with all of my kids, I had all of these different dreams.  Each of them had a different personality in utero.  My daughter was very demanding on my system.  I always felt tired, couldn’t eat much of anything the entire time I was pregnant with her, and just... HORMONE CITY USA.  

We do not always get a snapshot into who our children will become.  It breaks my heart that I never really got to know these 4 little people who took up residence in my body and soul for months (years).  One of the great pleasures of motherhood is finding out who your kids become.  I have been unfairly deprived of that gift.

I may never forgive my ex husband for his dishonesty with his parents.  EVER.  I may continue to look back on our life together and have fond memories.  Part of me is still surprised when I wake up next to someone else every day, but that has faded a lot over time.

My oldest son was an easy pregnancy.  Although he was born almost immediately following a car wreck, he was just the happiest and brightest baby.  He was legitimately the happiest baby of all of my kids.  Most my kids come out looking like clones of me, however he was a clone of his father.  He would happily just sit in his room for hours reading books and figuring out puzzles.  When he got older he loved video games more than anything.  He was rough and tumble; trying to learn parkour by the time he was 3 or 4.  I referred to him as my Sun (in the analogy of the Sun, Moon and Stars.  Bright, loud, masculine energy.) 

My middle son was a more difficult pregnancy.  I was raising a toddler and a preteen, had a homeless woman living with us, and my then husband developed migraines.  We spent a lot of that pregnancy running to the hospital to take my ex to get his head looked at.  Normally, his epilepsy was not well controlled, so we did prefer these headaches to the seizures for the most part.  My oldest daughter was now super excited, having gotten a taste of having a younger brother and absolutely loving having another kid to play with.  (Like her cousins before they were forced to move to Northern Ireland, but that’s another story.)

But my middle guy was not nearly as kind to my system as my oldest son was.  Every mental illness I had got louder and larger until it screamed.

and right on time, his exact due date, he came out about 4am.  Right. On. Time.  I came to learn very early on that this was an indicator of exactly the kind of child he was to become.

Middle guy had to have everything JUST so from go and he was a Mama clone, again.

We thought he was a girl at first because the midwife showed up in the midst of a migraine, and let’s just say my middle son was modest from birth.  (He refused to open his legs to anyone!)  I remember having to call my then Mother in Law back, only to find her phone busy for hours.  We had told her we had a girl.  

I don’t know exactly how that got corrected but it did.  I developed post partum depression AND a fun add on of post partum paranoia!  -5 out of 10, would advise to avoid at all costs.

He also told me at 3 in earnest that he thought he was born in the wrong body, but after being spirited away to my ex in laws, he was raised male.  My Ex in laws are rather conservative. (I likely would have raised him non binary until he figured out who exactly he wanted to be.)  I look at it this way: he evidently was meant to be raised male.

The night before my children were moved to my ex in laws house was the first night before school started.  My middle son said that he didn’t want to live with me anymore and would rather live with his grandparents.  He got his wish.  I don’t think that’s actually what he wanted.  I think he was a very tired little boy who just wanted to feel safe and get some sleep.

My last few weeks with my children were chaotic at best.  I wasn’t allowed to bring them to see my ex in laws for a long long while.  It was only 2 weeks but it felt like forever.  

My Moon.  Cool, feminine, dark energy.  I always pictured my middle guy being a goth.  I got that one wrong from the very limited context I have.

My youngest was another bright and sunny child.  He was incredibly unexpected as my ex husband and I were living separately at the time of conception.  We had gone on a weekend trip and apparently that’s when our youngest was conceived.

I’ve always kind of had issues perceiving stuff in my body, this is one of the ways my Dyspraxia manifests I think.  So, I wasn’t aware I was pregnant til I was about 7 months along with him.  We were in the middle of another CPS case, to be fair, so I assumed all of the uncomfortable feelings in the first trimester were nerves.  When I started feeling movement, I finally scored a positive on a pregnancy test.  I went to my doctor (I had used midwives before this), asking him if we could get an ultrasound to find out how far along this baby was and he begrudgingly agreed.  “We consider midwifery to be neglecting prenatal care, and I really don’t think that’s a good idea, but we’ll at least get you the darned ultrasound so that you know how far along you are.”

and yup, I had to hit the ground running PRETTTTYYYY fast.  

The labor for my youngest was the longest.  My youngest son in about the cheekiest move ever decided it was time the day before a CPS case worker was to do a wellness check on my kids at my house.  We... Didn’t answer the door when she arrived at 9am.  Namely because the children were obviously not there.

Then I had to call her back and explain that I was pregnant and that I hadn’t mentioned it because I thought it was obvious.  (It really wasn’t; I wore normal clothes but bigger through that pregnancy.)

I had read an article that children in France have a better relationship with food because their parents feed them by hand right up until they are 4 or 5 and I thought “Oh that actually seems like a good idea!” so, I was hand feeding him.  We had some real bonding time over that.  Then, when he was 3 me and his father were taken from him.  

From what I understand he is an overeater now.  That is 100% my fault.  

I know the kid who can read this knows that I didn’t intend for any of this to happen.  

I intended to be there for all of this.  I am completely heartbroken that I do not get the chance to be your parent.  I have been fighting since the day you were taken away to see you all again, but it seems that your adoptive parents have a bit of a cruel streak.  I hurt their little boy by sending him for jail for a crime I believe he did.  They don’t.