This new one didn’t like her at all, so Tommy was busy keeping Ez at a distance. Only acknowledging her at home before or after school…if he wasn’t with the stuck up bitch doing whatever the fuck. Her dad would watch her sulk around the house, blasting The Cure through her headphones, resist the urge to look out the window for his car. She missed him so much when he was caught up in his goofy ass relationships. Missed the smell of his hair, his long lanky arms around her shoulders…sitting on her bed with his acoustic guitar, trying to learn a song by ear. These dumb bitches taking her best friend away. Some of his girlfriends would try to be cool and make nice, secure with her being his best friend. But most of them were trying to take Tommy away from her out of complete envy, although they never wanted to admit it. She was no dummy though, she knew what kind of games girls liked to play. They may have him for a little while, but they could never replace or replicate what he had with Ezra.

“Earth to Ezra,” Jas’s hand waved in front of her vacant glare as she took a seat beside her, “Come in Ezra…”

She snapped to with a big sad sigh, jabbing her fork into her hot lunch, snarling her lip at Tommy throwing his arm around his dumb girlfriend’s shoulders and tugging her into his side. Like he used to do to her. She huffed a hard side and shoved a bite into her mouth, viciously chewing as she jabbed her fork back onto her tray.

Staring at the side of her best friend’s mean mug, she snort and shook her head. “You better chill, or your face is going to get stuck like that.”

“Whatever…” Ezra smacked her lips, pulled her gaze off them and dropped it down to her fork stabbing and pushing her food around.

Jas bugged her eyes, twisted the cap off her Coke. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this jealous of any of his girlfriends before.”

She was right. Ez was at the height of her crush on Tommy so this one was really, really hard on her. Things were going really well with him, like all warm loving smiles and laughter and longing eyes over stacks of records. Cute shit like that. She really thought maybe, just maybe, he was finally coming around, finally on the same page as her, like he was really looking at her differently. But then one random ass day, she happened to hitch a ride to school with Jas, and as they were walking across the student parking lot, Tommy was pulling in with that girl in his passenger seat. He had quite the history of just magically appearing in a new relationship without any head’s up. Seeing her step out of his car though, after weeks of him and his heart eyes, hit way harder than all the other times he surprised her with a new bitch. Ezra had to suck down all her anger, her sadness and act completely unfazed as she watched her reach for his hand, kissed him on the cheek. Hurt beyond words, but had to act like the cool bestie. Jealous?

“I wouldn’t say jealous…” Her head shook as she shrugged, expanded with a wave of her hand, “Disturbed. Irked.”

“Either way…never seen you look like that…” she chuckled dryly, pointing at her expressive brow. Ezra couldn’t control her face if she tried. A cursed gift…

“He doesn’t even look my way…” She sighed as she ignored Jas’s comment and cradled her chin in the palm of her hand, thinking aloud, “Hate how invisible he makes me feel…”

Hearing how sad she just sounded had Jas pinching a scowl. “Um…have you told him?”

Going back to her lunch, she somberly muttered, “No…it’s pointless…”

When Tommy was in, he was in, and with this new girlfriend, he was waaaay in. Sure she was really pretty, but she also really fuckin sucked. Like was popularly known as one of the meanest girls in school. That was most of his girlfriends’ vibe though. Insanely pretty with an ugly personality to match. She didn’t get how he put up with their stuck up ass attitudes. Didn’t get why those were the girls he publicly went after when he had the perfect girl beside him already. Ezra was so fuckin confused, but so in love with him, just dying for him to realize what was right in front of him.

Twisting the cap back on, Jas pitifully shook her head. “I think you should. Besides, it’s so fuckin shitty of her to tell him not to talk to you.”

He necessarily didn’t agree to her terms but, he didn’t like the way she would treat Ezra, so he had to. Most would try to get along. She, on the other hand, was too jealous of Ez and Tommy, and didn’t like the chatter that circulated around about their relationship. A lot of Tommy’s friends suspected something either had happened, or was happening between them. And there were so many rumors about Tommy and Ezra secretly messin around. They were just too close, too familiar, how could they not? Their friends speculated all sorts of shit. Even when he would be in a relationship, classmates would whisper and side eye him like what the fuck was he doing? It was a trip, how some kids she hardly knew or talked to was “Team Ezra”, or whispered about them like they were some sort of celebrity couple. And due to the unwelcomed limelight, some girls who liked Tommy really didn’t like her, and wasn’t afraid to make it known. Oh well…her time was gonna come, of course, just like the others. And Ezra will still sadly be there, by his side, as the tormented love sick best friend.

She forcefully stabbed her fork into her food, grumbled, “She’s a hatin ass, insecure ass bitch. So I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

They fell silent as they ate their lunch, took turns shooting glares in their direction, studying the spectacle that was Tommy’s new relationship. It’d only been a few weeks and they were acting like they’d been dating for months. All over each other. Enough PDA to make you wanna gag she was cuttin up, and it didn’t make a lick of sense. She was used to dating football players, jocks and jerks that type, and Tommy associated with the type of crowd she and her friends made fun of. In that obnoxious, “you think you’re cool, but we’re cooler” look down on each other kinda way. So how the two of them even crossed paths was a mystery. Those two were a walking question mark.

“What does he see in her anyway?!” Jas abruptly erupted, slapping her hand down on the table, taking Ezra completely by surprise. “She’s such a fuckin bitch! She doesn’t even like his music!”

Some girls near by stared at her like, what the fuck, then busted out laughed as Ezra put her hand over her bestie’s. Where did all that even come from? “Jas…”

“I’m just saying, fuck her!” She shouted and pointed, and the girls sharing the table followed the direction of her finger and laughed even harder because she was right. They seemed to be on their side. Ez waved a dismissive hand at them, tried to contain her outraged friend. She didn’t want a scene. “And fuck him for what he’s doin to you Ez!”

“Jas, Jas chill.” She shushed, afraid that she was actually loud enough to gain their attention. Ezra had a reputation to uphold, and Jas ready to pop off in him was going to ruin that. She didn’t need everyone in school aware of how she really felt about their relationship. Let them come up with their own assumptions, fine, but Ezra had nothing to contribute to the conversation.

“He’s a fuckin pussy!” Her fingers snapped, her eyes rolled. “He’s so fuckin lucky I love you or I’d air all his shit out!”

The girls ‘Amen’ with mighty snaps of their fingers, and Ezra sighed, side eyeing them from across the table. “Jas, we know this, but airing his shit out won’t change a damn thing.” She looked back at him kissing her for everyone to see, and slightly shook her head. “He’s a boy. He’s dumb, blinded by shiny pretty things. Thinking with his dumb dick. That’s it.”

Tommy may never come to terms with his actual feelings; Ezra’s accepted that after the third or fourth girlfriend. And she knew that eventually these horrid feelings for him would fade and she could be just his best friend again. At least, that was what she hoped for. Sometimes she’d look up at him and think she’d love him forever. But then the thought of her being stuck in this role for the rest of her life would churn her stomach, bring her back down to earth a bit. She couldn’t imagine living out her life like that. Pining after Tommy into her old age? God please no.

Jas went back to her lunch with a hard frustrated huff, completely unaware she had been preaching to a small choir. “I really don’t know how you do it. Go on acting like everything’s totally fine when you know he’s lying to himself, playing you like you’re so fuckin naive. I would have snapped by now.”

Ezra silently chuckled to herself as she reached into her bag to pull out the reason why she hadn’t. Her big secret weapon to keeping her grounded in the madness. Holding it up between them, she announced, “This. This is what’s keeping me from losing my shit on Tommy.”

She curiously plucked the decorated spiral notebook from her fingertips with a pleased smirk. “Ezra…are you writing?” Ezra could see the joy in her face as she looked over all the stickers and artwork. The scribbled pages fan her astonished face the moment she realized what she was reading. “About Tommy?!”

It’d been a well kept secret for a while now, and she’d been waiting for the right moment to tell her best friend what she’d been up to. “Eh, something like that…”

“Wait…” Her jaw dropped the second she realized not only was she just writing her feelings, but, “Songs?! You’re writing songs about Tommy?!”

“Yeaaaah,” Ezra nervously laughed as she watched her excitedly read and flip through her notebook. “I mean…I had to do something and you know I like to play soooo…”

She couldn’t believe it, her happy eyes scanning over the lined pages. “Oh Ez, I love this. I love this so much. This is so fuckin amazing.” Jas was way more excited than she expected her to be, brushing her fingers over her sullen words in utter awe. “This is so good for you. Like really good.”

“It helps,” Ezra modestly shrugged, because it really had. Channeling it all through her guitar was her greatest creative outlet, and her dad couldn’t be more pleased that his musical talents had rubbed off on his only child.

An idea struck Jas as she clapped her hands, slapping the spiral shut. “Oh my god, have you thought about performing?! I bet the emo girls would love your music!”

The idea of pouring her heart out to strangers sent Ezra into a conniption. “Oh. No way Jas.”

“Yes!” She gleefully retorted, envisioning her performing at one of those eclectic hole in the wall bars in town. But Ezra wasn’t writing for any other reason than to heal herself. That was it.

“No. No this is for me and only me.” Her head shook, taking her spiral back from her to hide it away. Maybe she’d fucked up a little by showing her because now she was letting her imagination run wild. Jas couldn’t believe that she wouldn’t take the opportunity to really purge her feelings by belting them out for a room full of strangers. She could really play and had the voice to match, she knew that, so she was sure Ez would be an amazing performer.

“Think you’re missing out on something big here Ez. Angsty girl punk could be big for you…”

It could, Ezra snorted to herself. She was very much aware. She just wasn’t ready for that yet. “I love you but no.”

Too late. Jas was long gone, lost in her “punk rock Ezra” daydream. “Oh. Oh man…I can see it now. You on stage, belting into the mic and the crowd eating it up. Then, from the shadows, a teary eyed Tommy appears in awe of you. Ugh it would be so damn hot man…”

Ezra fell into hysterics, cracking up laughing at the insane scene she just painted. “You’re so dumb. That’d never happen.”

“Hey,” Jas pointed, “Anything can happen.”

“Tommy will never see this notebook, never hear these words aloud. Honestly, I should burn it…”

Ezra carelessly mentioned, half joking, but Jas didn’t care for that. “What?! You can’t do that!” She guffawed, then coyly smirked, leaning over to whisper, “What would you show your kids when they ask about your first love?”

She laughed out harder as she pushed Jas away. “Nothing. Everything Tommy related must burn.”

Jas didn’t find that shit funny at all. She was all serious again, back stiffening as her smile fell. “That’s so not funny Ez,” but she playfully wiggled her brows, nudged her side with a couple winks, but Jas wouldn’t even feign a grin. “Seriously…not funny dude…”

Ezra couldn’t stand when Jas was all whimsy about her and Tommy. She didn’t need to hear that right now, she almost rolled her eyes. “Ooookaaaay. Okay Jas…”

Out of nowhere, she was jabbing her elbow into Ezra’s side, whispering, “Oh shit, oh shit they’re coming this way.”

His arm around her shoulders and her’s around his waist, they strutted toward their table, acting as if they couldn’t feel Jas and Ezra’s hot glares pierce through them. They always weirded them the hell out. As they neared, Ezra’s glare thinned and focused solely on the stuck up girlfriend, hoping she could feel how much she couldn’t stand her ass. She couldn’t wait for her to be gone, forgotten about just like the others. She probably hoped Tommy’d write a song about her, or be one of those girls backstage watching him play or some dumb shit like that. Probably hoped that she could be the girlfriend when he made it big. Ezra despised girls like that, and that was all Tommy could get. They fed his ego, made him look good. That’s it. Why did he need them to be of substance, of something real. They were just characters, playing some role they believed they needed to be to be with him. Tommy was only real with Ezra. They were the only thing that was real.

As he passed their table, Tommy briefly met her glare, like for a milliseco, and kept on walking like it was nothing. Once he was gone, she held her eyes closed, let that rejected feeling roll off her tense shoulders, then looked back at the assholes over her shoulder. He wouldn’t dare speak or acknowledge her presence or nothing, which made his stuck up girlfriend so smug, so proud she just had to kiss him on the cheek. And that made Ezra’s blood fuckin boil. Oh dear God if she could just grab that bitch by the back of her hair… But nope, no she had to stay in her line, be cool. She and Jas then exchanged a disgusted look and simultaneously groaned, “hate them,” as they as they gathered up their trash and bags before the lunch dismissal bell rang. They had entirely lost their appetite.

After the lunch fuckery, Ezra spent the rest of the school day obsessively daydreaming about replacing that stuck up ass bitch. How good she and Tommy always looked together, how much they’d make so much more sense as a couple. She missed her afternoon classes with her mind on how dumb this shit with Tommy was. Which only put her in her usual horrible funk, so by the time she got home, all she wanted to do was to crawl into her bed and mope. Her dad hated the shit Tommy was putting her through. So sometimes he would make her sit down and talk about how she was feeling before she could go shut down. It was nice that he cared, but she didn’t want to talk about him. Sometimes there wasn’t anything left to say.

She laid on her bed and listened to her sad ass music way into the evening, scribbled about her day in her journal, played around with some words in her secret spiral. Tommy consumed her every thought, so she spent a lot of time trying to get them out her head. She overanalyzed his every movement when he was with his girlfriend, how it was nothing like when he was with her. Nothing was like being with her. He had to know that by now right? What was being with her rude ass like anyway? What the fuck did they even talk about? They probably didn’t even do much talking anyway, just fooled around a lot or whatever. Probably all she had to offer. Ezra’s eyes began to burn with all the fucked up emotions stirring up inside her. She had to drown her thoughts out with rock and roll or she was going to break down. She couldn’t afford to break.

In the middle of a Dashboard Confessional jam session, Ezra heard her dad’s extra loud shouts for her through her headphones, aware she was up in her room blasting sad songs into her tired brain. Tossing them off, she rolled out of bed to see what he was bellowing about.

“What’s up.” She sighed as her bare feet shuffled into the living room.

“Tommy’s out front.” Her dad thumbed back at the front door, too focused on whatever he was reading to look up.

“Oh…” Ezra looked to the door and blankly stared, debating if she should go out there and face him. She wasn’t expecting him and she really didn’t feel up for pretending. She was way too deep in her feelings. There she stood completely frozen for a minute, wrestling with her conflicted thoughts until her dad eventually looked up when he noticed how still the room had gotten. She looked so withered picturing him on the other side of the door. Her dad winced, sat his book facedown on his lap as he sat up in his seat.

“Do you want me to tell him to go home?” Her dad offered. “You don’t have to see him if you don’t want to.”

“No, no it’s ok…” She bravely went for the door as she hook her head, turning the doorknob as she reassured herself and him, “I’ll be ok…”

Cautiously stepping out into the warm night air, she found Tommy anxiously pacing around in the yard, unaware that she was sheepishly watching him as she tried to quietly pull the door shut behind her. What did he have to be worried about? Did he think she wouldn’t come out? According to the pressed blades of grass under his Chucks, he seemed to be waiting a while, a little lost in thought. She curiously frowned at his back.

“What’re you doing out here?”

Her soft voice startled him a bit, and he didn’t answer as he turned to find her displayed under the porch light. Tommy just charged at her and tossed his arms around her, pulled her in real close and tight, huffed a big sigh. Surprised to feel his weight, her breath caught, and she held him against her trembling body. What else could she do. For a while, they didn’t make a sound, just clutched their shaky bodies and listened to each other’s timid breaths. After a few long quiet minutes, Tommy whispered in her ear,

“I missed you.”

Ezra nearly fell apart to the sound of those weak words. She didn’t even know how much she needed to hear them until he softly spoke them. She bit down on her quivering lip as she tried to fight back the overwhelming sensation to burst into tears. As gently as she could, she cleared her the knot in her throat, swallowed down all her emotions and whimpered,

“I—I miss you too…Tom…”

He buried his nose into her hair, sweetly rubbed her back and swayed her from side to side, as if it had been ages since they’d seen each other. Ezra had to cherish this. Fuck it. It’d been so long since they’d been like this how could she not. His warmth, his smell, his strength encapsulated her. She was in Heaven, and could stay here all night if he let her. This was all she wanted from him. An ounce of affection, attention. Some of that Tommy she loved so much. As he released her, he pulled back some to admire her pretty face. He really did miss her, especially how she looked at him with those big brown eyes. Like she could always see him, see through him. It’d been way too long since he looked at her like this. He missed Ezra looking at him like that.

“Do you wanna go for a drive?”

The random question took her even more by surprise. “Oh! Oh uh—sure. Yeah, yeah ok, just-just hold on a sec.”

Stunned by how soft he was suddenly being, Ezra headed back inside to grab some shoes, to let her dad know where she was about to go, and met Tommy leaning all long and cool against his car. How dare he look so fuckin hot when he was putting her through an emotional hell. It was so fuckin unfair. It didn’t help make her feel any less when he smiled so big when their eyes met, rounding the bed of the Camino to go open the door for her. Tommy was trying, and she was falling for it a bit. A part of her was dying for this, while the other still wanted to pop off on him for being such a piece of shit for some girl he was most likely going to dump in a month or so. She got in with an awkward grin, let him shut the door, and watched him hurry round to hop in behind the wheel. Being with him made her feel even more conflicted while he seemed to be so happy to have her at his side. Did he really miss her or something? Or did he believe that things were still cool even though he’d been shit? She wanted to believe the former…but habits would prove otherwise. Tommy had a natural skill of pretending, so it was hard to tell when he was being genuine. If he’d ever…

“Bad Moon Rising” filled the car as Tommy drove Ezra around the neighborhood, watching her from the corner of his eye hum along to the song, pretend as if she didn’t want to look his way. She didn’t know what to say really, so nervous that if she did open her mouth, it would just lead to another fight. And that she didn’t want to do. Fighting would get them nowhere. They needed to talk without the conversation going left. At a stop sign, Tommy rested his elbow on the door and allowed his eyes fall down her sitting there all anxious in the passenger seat. They hadn’t been alone together in a while so he understood her nerves. Understood why she was trying to ignore him. He hadn’t been a good friend, hence why he magically appeared on her doorstep. The way she looked at him in the cafeteria…he would never forget it. Tommy was aware she didn’t like his new girlfriend, but that glare seemed very much more pointed at him than her. Tommy hated when Ezra was mad at him; it was like a long sharp blade to the abdomen. But how could he keep them both happy? It seemed damn near impossible. But he had to do something to make amends with Ez, especially after that look she gave him earlier. She wasn’t going to make it easy on him, but it was what he deserved. He’d never treated her this badly before because of one of his girlfriends.

He took a breath and asked, “Are you ok?”

Ezra shrugged and shook her head. “I don’t know,” she softly answered, unsure what she was at the moment. Happy but on edge, sick to her stomach. Jas was right she should just tell him how she felt, but she knew Tommy better than most; it would be like talking to a simple minded child. It’d literally go nowhere. But the feelings were eating her up inside at the moment, rolling up from the depths of her soul. She stared out into the dark sky, ignoring his hot stare on her body. He called out for her, begging for her to look at him.

“Ezzie…”

But she wouldn’t dare, merely twitched a turn of her chin. She sighed heavily, then groaned, “what Tommy…”

He shifted the car to park, slightly turned in his seat to face her. The soft intro to Jimi Hendrix’s “The Wind Cries Mary” filled the awkward moment of silence. He didn’t know how to urge her to talk about what was bothering her without making her snap. He needed her to look at him, say anything. He couldn’t take her resistance much longer. He was just going to have to take it.

“You can talk to me…”

Ezra loudly smacked her lips. “Yeah ok…”

“Please…”

She took another big breath, ready to go off, but she shut her lips and exhaled loudly through her flared nostrils. Almost turned away from the window, but instead she softly closed her eyes, sighed some more. How could she say it when she knew how she felt wouldn’t matter. He really didn’t give a shit because if he did, they wouldn’t be here trying to have an uncomfortable conversation. Ezra thinned her lips, clutched a fist to muster up the strength to just come out and say it. She had to…she had to. Abruptly turning back at him, the words angrily flew from her full lips,

“Are you really ok with treating me like fuckin shit over your fuck ass girlfriend?”

Like a thin sharp blade to the skin her question sliced him open. Tommy’s eyes bulged as he urgently shook his head no. “No, no, no Ez—Ez I…it’s not like that I, I—”

“You act as if I don’t exist! Because of her! Why do I deserve that?!”

“Ezzie I—“

She refused to let him get another worthless word in. “I’m supposed to be your best friend Tom! And you’re treating me like shit?! Me?! Over some fuckin pussy!? Like what the actual fuck! You say you love me, but stay disrespectin me for these dumbass bitches! What is that?! Why is that Tommy?! WHY?! Why do I have to get pushed to the side all over some insecure ass girl?! Oh my fuckin god!”

His fingertips nervously drummed along his steering wheel as he watched her go off on him. Tommy’s time had come, why he was a little nervous to come over. But he could only ignore her for so long before she was going to have something to say. There was no excuse, nothing he could say to make this any better. He understood why his girlfriend asked him to distance himself from her, just look at how they acted around one another. Sure, they’re best friends, but any girl would feel some type of way about how close they were. And although he really didn’t want to, he had to…to keep the pretty girl. Unfortunately. Ezra would never get that. There was literally nothing he could say to diffuse this situation.

“Answer me Tom!”

She demanded with a strong fist to the palm of her hand, commanding his attention, those pretty brown eyes of hers wild with anger. Shit, he anxiously cleared his tight throat, softly shook his head and awkwardly shifted in his seat. “Well…what do you want me to say?”

Ezra just sadly scoffed, turned away, fed the fuck up. “Why do I always have to tell you what to say…”

“Because…” he paused, anxiously gripped the steering wheel, “because I don’t want to hurt your feelings by sayin the wrong things Ez.”

She scoffed again, dismissively waved her hand around as she shrugged, “you’ve already hurt my fuckin feelings Tommy, so what’s a little more huh?”

Clasping his trembling hands together, he sighed, “Ez…I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m just…out here, you know…?” His shoulders woefully shrugged, ashamed by how weak that excuse was. What was he even saying…

“Oh my god…” Ezra choked, balled up her fists, “the fuck does that even mean?!”

Tommy’s head hung shamefully low. “I don’t know…I don’t know how to explain it to you Ezra. I’m just…seeing what’s out there. I mean, I’m just an idiot boy I don’t know what you want from me…”

“I just want you to be honest with me! Treat me like you actually care about me and not like just some stupid lil neighbor girl who follows you around or some shit!”

“Oh come on,” his lips smacked. “That’s not fair you know I care about you! You know you’re much more to me than that!”

“Then stop ignoring me Tom!” Ezra loudly clapped her hands, done with him and this stupid ass conversation. “Start letting these bitches know what it is! I shouldn’t have to get pushed to the side for you to do whatever the fuck it is you think you’re doin. Asshole.”

Together, they heaved a loud frustrated sigh, rolled their eyes for totally different reasons. How could she think he doesn’t care about her?! How could he not see how fuckin selfish he’s being?! They just wanted this to stop, but how. How could they fix this? And why was it so fuckin hard? Why couldn’t they come out and just be honest with one another?! The longer they stewed in the tension, the more upset she got, the more disappointed he felt. He was dying to make amends with her, but seemed like the only real solution here was to dump his girlfriend. Over Ezra? Now that would be the statement of the lifetime. Everyone would then know how he really felt about his best friend in the world. And Tommy couldn’t make that kind of sacrifice, that kind of proclamation. Yeah he loved Ezra, but they were still kids. What did they really know about being in love?

The awkward silence was suffocating, choking up all her raw emotions. She hated feeling like this. Why couldn’t he just do this one simple task? Was she being obnoxious? Asking for too much? Why was he making her feel like she was one of those desperate girls dying for his attention? Ugh. Ezra didn’t want to burst into tears, but everything in her body was coercing her to fall apart. She’d never cried in front of Tommy, ever. She was too cool, too strong, impervious to his charm duh. But feeling him scoot closer and closer with his sad intent stare wasn’t helping. She was going to crumble, and she wasn’t going to be happy to show him how sad he made her feel.

He wanted to scoop her into his side, brush his hand down her back, show her he cared, but not the time. She was visibly so upset; her chest convulsing as she fought back her tears, bottom lip trembling. Tommy frowned, stretching his neck to get a better look at her quivering chin. No way she was about to cry. No way… “Ezra please…please stop being mad at me…”

“You don’t get it…” Ezra sniffled, her tears finally brimming over the edge. “You’ll never get it.”

The moment he noticed a tear fallin of her jawline, he caught his breath, reached out for her arm. She inched closer towards the door, nearly pressed her nose against the cool glass. As if she could feel him draw near. “Get what Ezzie? Tell me please.”

“There’s no point Tommy. It won’t change a thing because you don’t see what I see. I don’t know if you ever will.” She shot a very pointed and telling glare back over her shoulder.

Tommy winced, frowned deeper, afraid he just might understand what she was trying to say. It was all in her sad but angry eyes. They pierced his stomach even deeper. “Ez…you don’t—you don’t know that…” Maybe not, but she was convinced. She shrugged and rolled her eyes at him afflicted by what she’d said. He wasn’t that stupid. “Ezra. Seriously. You don’t know how I feel.”

“Even if so Tommy, you have a fucked up ass way of showing me how you feel.”

He could do nothing but sigh. Her point was made, and he had no retort. He was too afraid to do anything about Ezra. He wasn’t there yet; he wasn’t the type of dude Ezra should be with. If Tommy felt like he could be the right kind of boyfriend for her, he would have asked her out by now, no hesitation. He was absolutely crazy about her, he’d be even crazier if he hurt her. He seemed more capable of that than loving her forever. And that was fucked up. He was a little fucked up. The lectures he got from his dad, man. “Ezra’s too good for you. You’re gonna lose that girl if you don’t get it together...gonna realize too late how perfect she is for you…” If he hadn’t heard that once, he’d heard it a thousand times from him alone. Ezra was the perfect girl, one he’d fumble thinking with his dumb dick.

His ears were burning, throat tightening with each passing second; he drew in a big sigh, afraid where what he was about to say would take them. She might snap, break down and cry, end this all right now…but she needed some clarity. And he had to do something, no matter how extremely hard it was. He’d never said anything like this to her before. The knots in his gut were sickening.

“I can’t Ez…I want to but…I can’t. I can’t be who you want me to be. I can’t…not now...” Tommy sadly whispered, upset to say the words, especially like this but it was true. Maybe not ever…he didn’t know. Ezra deserved so much more. Could he ever measure up? “But that doesn’t mean I don’t…doesn’t mean I…I don’t…”

He stuttered, so afraid to have said anything like that because this moment was too precious. Those words carried unbearable weight and muttering them out could wreck their world even more. It really broke her heart to hear him hesitate on those three words, hear his voice nearly break as he stopped himself, but that was probably the most honest she’d ever get him to be. God this was awful, she bit her lip and cringed as she tried to dry up all her sniveling. This was so fuckin unfair, and awful.

“Alright…” was she could mutter as she wiped the corners of her eyes. There was nothin else to say to that.

Tommy couldn’t take the tension anymore, so he strongly embraced her, almost on the brink of tears himself it was so hard to listen to her cry like this. Fuck he sucked so hard for making her cry. Snuggling his chin into her neck he whispered, “I really do miss you Ezzie. I-I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you. I’ll do better…with communicating, with everything. Promise.”

What should’ve consoled her only irked her, and she tried to nudge him off. “Whatever T…”

But he held onto her, brushed a soothing thumb across her damp cheek. He meant it, he’d try to do better by her. He never wanted to make her cry ever again. Not over anything this fuckin stupid. Not over any of these girls, she was right about that. If Tommy couldn’t have her the way she wanted, the way he should, he at least should put more care into their friendship. Of course she wasn’t just some neighbor girl. She was his Ezzie, his music soul mate, his sunshine. She was worth more than most people in his life. And he should show her as such. Ezra felt a little safe in his arms again, felt ok looking into those pretty eyes of his. For the moment, she felt alright, satisfied with how those shitty words settled in her weary heart. He gave her his answer. An ill-crafted one, but something to pacify her crazy. She wanted to believe that he’d be better, but he was going to have to show her what she meant to him. As he wiped the rest of her tears away, she prayed he would, that none of those girls would ever come between them again. Prayed that one day Tommy would look at her like she was the only one and really mean it.

“Um…wanna go get ice cream?” Tommy asked as he slowly released her, dared to kiss her forehead but he would never dare cross that line.

She didn’t want to but she tutted a lighthearted laugh, shook her head as she settled back in the seat. “I don’t know…maybe…”

Shifting the Camino back into drive, he smirked, “come on…you know that’ll cheer you up…”

“You’re just trying to kiss my ass…” her eyes rolled as she looked back out the window. It really would though, she just didn’t want to admit it. And she liked that he was trying to kiss her ass.

As Tommy pulled away from the stop sign, he shrugged, “maybe so…”

So they sat in the bed of his truck and ate ice cream while they jammed some music, laughing and talking about dumb shit like they used to do before this girlfriend came along. And all was right in the world again. Tommy and Ezra. Ezra and Tom. They missed being like this. You could see it in their smiles, in their lingering gazes. This was what they needed; although they would never deal with their true feelings, their deep rooted issues, they were good. An ill-fitted bandaid. Enough to stop the bleeding…for the time being…

The next morning, Ezra woke up still feeling ok, not with the usual angst that filled her head as soon as she opened her eyes. The night with Tommy ended on a good note, but she couldn’t forget what he promised. Deep down, she knew he would potentially fail her, being a dumb boy and all, but she also felt like he would actually try to deliver. Something in his eyes...all she could think about as she got dressed for school. She still wasn’t entirely…satisfied with the outcome of their conversation but as of now, she’ll take what she can get. They were back on track to who they were. With some clarity, they were seeing one another a little differently.

“Mornin Ez.” Tommy happily greeted, startling Ezra as she locked the front door.

“Oh god dude!” Surprised to find him on her porch, she yanked her headphones off her head. “What are you fuckin doing here?” Wasn’t he usually gone by now to give her a ride? Not today…

“Giving you a ride to school duh.” He took her bag off her shoulder and transported it to his, headed to his car at the end of the driveway. “Let’s stop and get donuts on the way.”

Ezra stood on there confused. Give her a ride to school? Since when? It’s been like weeks. She was prepared for the bus. “Dude what? Why aren’t you giving your girlfriend a ride today?”

She didn’t ask for this, and she didn’t want any goofy ass trouble with ol’ girl. But Tommy didn’t seem to care, tossing Ezra’s bag into the front seat before he impatiently leaned on the door. “She’s riding with one of her friends, so come on. You know the bear claws sell out incredibly fast…”

She was skeptical, as she should be because Tommy was known for pulling an okie-doke, and she really didn’t want the drama after last night. There was finally some peace. Did she know Tommy was blowing her off to give her a ride? Or was this one of those off chance moments he wasn’t lying just to appease Ezra? She wasn’t too sure. Slowly she stepped off the porch and down the driveway, pinched brow and arms crossed, eyeing him down as he shook his head at her.

“Alright T…”

Pulling up to the school windows down and blasting hair metal as Tommy’s passenger covered with glazed donut crumbs and hot latte in hand felt like old times. It made Ezra feel even better, lighter; the only thing that could make this moment any better was if they were holding hands. His hair tousled around by the wind, black sunglasses adorned his happy face. He couldn’t be any cuter. Ezra sighed a smitten grin to herself, resisted reaching out for his cheek so she brushed the rest of the glaze dust off her pants. It was good to be back, even if it was temporary. She felt so good being back by his side.

Tommy pulled into his usual spot, hopped out with a big smile to open the door for her. With a modest grin, she shook her head at how happy looked as she stepped out, tossing her bag over her shoulder as she affectionately shoved his shoulder, pushing him out her way. Why was he lookin at her like that? Tommy was too busy admiring the tender glow radiating off her to notice his girlfriend coming from the other side of the parking lot. It was indeed a beautiful morning, and he loved to see her in such a good mood. Try to hide her smile and roll her big pretty eyes at him staring her down. What girlfriend…when his best friend was looking like this. God she was so pretty, his smirk curled at her shooting him a funny look back over her shoulder. If it wasn’t for Jas intercepting Ezra, and his girlfriend shouting his name, he would’ve done something stupid like wrap his arms around her waist and held her just for a minute or two. That’s how smitten he was with her in this moment. by the tone in his girlfriend’s shout, he was in some trouble.

“Do my eyes deceive me?” Jas smirked as she locked her arm with Ezra’s. “Did someone actually follow their best friend’s advice?”

Ezra’s eyes rolled, “kinda sorta. But this morning was all Tommy.”

“Oooh…interesting…” Jas slowly nodded, a little stunned to hear that. Homeboy finally stepped up a little bit. “So y’all are…?”

“Fine. For now.” She shrugged, thinking back on the past couple of joyous hours with him. She didn’t want it to end, almost pitched skipping the first couple periods to bullshit but she didn’t want to push her luck. His girlfriend would’ve probably thrown a big bitch fit.

“Well…that’s better than nothin…”

“See you later Ezzie.” Tommy quickly side-hugged her and scurried off to his unhappy girlfriend shooting daggers in their general direction. She wouldn’t even return his hug, still barreling her evil stare at Ezra’s twitching grin around his slim frame. For once, she felt like she had the upper hand in this Tommy standoff. She watched him tried to diffuse her attitude but by the looks of it, she wasn’t trying to hear none of his shit. Snarling and cutting her eyes at him trying to be sweet on her. All Ezra could do was snort, fold her arms across her chest. She loved to be right. Jas tsked and laughed as well.

“Looks like someone’s in the doghouse…”