#finding balance

I got my bone scan results back, yesterday. It was a pretty hard read. Lots of progression. Even though I knew that was to be expected due to the gong show of treatment delays over the past 3 months. - I’ve had only 1 and a half cycles (3 doses) of this new chemo when ideally, I should have had already 4 cycles (8 doses). - Unfortunately, my body hasn’t been adjusting. I’m hoping with the new dose reduction, I’ll be able to get back on track.

I had my CT scan yesterday as well. I’ll get those results later next week. I’m expecting them to be bad, too. I’ll also have my tumour markers measured on Monday. Those will also be through the roof. It is what it is.

At least I have an official baseline now and will know quicker if this treatment is working - probably in the next two months.

I’ve already had a few cries …but what was I expecting? To be miraculously cured with 3 doses in nearly 3 months? Intellectually, I know this is ridiculous but it still doesn’t make it any easier to digest emotionally.

The other crappy thing the bone scan showed was progression in (what it looks like to be) the head of my left femur/hip. This is what my orthopaedic surgeon was concerned about. So, I may end up with surgery, after all. I’ll need to get another CT to confirm but it’s probably inevitable. The one pro about this (aside from preventing my left hip/femur breaking), is that they’ll be able to get a new tumour sample to see if my cancer has mutated. This could potentially open up new doors for treatments or clinical trials. Getting a bone biopsy on its own is not usually done because it’s very painful and risky for complications. Plus, it’s often unsuccessful due to not being able to get enough tumour tissue. Anyway, I am hoping to avoid this surgery but I’ll see what he says.

I feel super stressed between all my health crap and getting the kid ready for their move next month. So. Many. Feelings. It’s been a lot.

I’ve decided to step back from volunteering. I have only one health coaching participant left but I was supposed to be taking on more next month along with facilitating workshops, again. I won’t be doing that. I’ll be taking a break until at least the summer. As for the aquarium, I’ve been on leave since November as I couldn’t stand for 2 1/2 hours and was also concerned about how my immune system would hold up on the new treatment (so far, it’s been fine). I miss the aquarium. It’s calming (when it’s not too busy) and makes me happy. I hope to start back later next month for just 1 or 2 shifts a month. I asked if I could bring my walker too so I could sit and they said that was fine so I’ll do that.

I plan to return to comedy class next month but I don’t have any desire to do any shows. It doesn’t excite me like it used to. Maybe I’ll change my mind once my health reaches “stable”, again.

I’m feeling really out of control with so much right now. The way I cope is to try to find things I can control. Mostly with diet, exercise and the way I spend my time. So I’m going to be making some changes this week.

I’m always working on my nutrition but I plan to go back to being vegan. I’m figuring out a meal plan and a grocery order. I was vegan for years in my twenties/thirties but stopped when I became really anemic (which apparently is common for female middle-aged runners who are still menstruating). When that was finally resolved, I just became lazy. The kid has no desire to be vegan and I didn’t want to cook 2 separate meals. Now, that she’s moving out on her own, it’ll be easier. I will be grocery shopping and cooking for just me. I’ll still cook for her if she wants a meal (I’m not a monster), but it’ll just be vegan.

I felt a lot better on a vegan diet. I definitely ate way less sugar and consumed more veggies.

I won’t be running anymore so I have to find a new exercise to get obsessed about. lol. I’ll still have walking but I’m going to take up yoga. It makes the most sense given my limitations. There’s a yoga studio near me. I’ll go a few times a month but mostly will practice at home along with the elliptical and free weights. I’m also meeting with a kinesiologist/exercise therapist that specializes in cancer care.

Meditation and keeping a gratitude journal is something I used to do daily and have abandoned. I’ll be returning to this practice as I know it works and helps my mental health significantly.

These last few months I’ve been really sliding back into the bad habit of being on my phone way too much. I really want to spend my time on other things. Especially being creative.

I bought some new watercolour paints and have been playing around with those.

I got some mini canvases to do some acrylics with.

I have a list of writing ideas. Maybe I’ll finally create that Substack.

Lastly, I plan to temporarily delete my social and messaging apps for a while (including Tumblr). I need some time to build a routine and create some healthy habits away from the distraction of my phone. I’ll also be deleting and staying away from anything where I can watch the news. I really need to preserve my mental health and well-being. I know I just need to unplug and give my brain a rest. I also want to spend some time exploring my creative side without the internet trying to grab my attention.

So, I’m going into a “bubble” for a few weeks. …Maybe longer.

I can’t keep doing what I’m doing. It’s not working. So I’m indulging in some real self care with the goal of finding more balance and zen. I’ll report back on whether I’m successful. lol.

Namaste.