#figureingitout

I had sex a week ago. It wasn't very good sex. It was the kind of sex that you feel okay about in the moment. The kind of sex that you have to fill a void...pun. Anyway it was lonely people sex. It was not good sex and to make matters worse, I have massive burns on my back. Huge. And they hurt. This was the night before I headed to provo to see my best friend. She is Mormon. Now I am a catholic and I like my religion a lot. It is a foundational belief and I really enjoy it. I am not a very good catholic (clearly, having sex in the back of a car isn't very catholic of me.) She has never tried to convert me. Ever. We have been friends for ten years and not once has she tried. She didn't this time by the way, however I did go to church with her. She had gone to church with me in the past and I thought I would give hers a try, Ya know respect and all. Anyway I bought a dress at a really great vintage store downtown and it was from the sixties so I had to wear tan underwear with it and long story short I didn't have any. I never go commando. Never. I hate the feeling of essentially making a rapisits job easier . To girls that enjoy going command, power to you it is just not for everyone. So I sat in this service and I didn't have on any underwear. None. and I felt exposed. Gross, which was weird for me because I generally own things like that, but it was different here, I don't mind being different at all but it was like the standard was higher. Everyone was so nice and accepting and not  at all judgey like they teach you in modern society. People were just happy to be there and loved god and what is wrong with that?

Filled with the spirit or whatever they call it. I was feeling adventurous and believe me I don't normally feel that way. I am kind of quiet about dating. It is not my forte. I kind of clam up and I don't know what to say and I just kind of have a panic attack. Yeah, I don't date and I don't get attached, I just sleep with people and then get sad because I am alone. I am so put together its ridiculous.  Anyway, I went to dinner for my birthday and wrote my number on my receipt for the cute waiter who helped us. He was adorable. I left the restaurant feeling really good about myself, like hey I gave a cute guy my number and he didn't even ask for it. Go me! Later that Night I was sprawled on the couch with the four other couples that lived in the apartment I was staying in and he texted me. He actually got a hold of me and I almost screamed and then I stopped. I really tend to pride myself on the fact that I am not like girls in romcoms. I never want to be one of the girls that are freaking out because he didn't call or he was to unattached or whatever (another reason I don't get attached). For some reason though I freaked out. We talked until midnight when we both passed out. Then we talked all day the next day about movie and life and what we wanted to do with ourselves, and it was beautiful. I had not had a free flowing conversation like that where it wasn't about sex or nonsense or whatever in such a long time. He made me feel safe. I actually wanted to get to know him not just his body, in fact I didn't even care if he touched me I just wanted to know more and to talk more and I wanted him to know me. I never thought I would want those things again. So when he asked me to see salt lake city with him I said, and naturally I was nervous because he was Mormon and I wasn't but I told myself I have to try, for some strange reason I wanted to try. With a person I live a thousand miles from. So I went and he brought another couple. Which apparently like signifies it was a date if there is another person there in Moron world. We were together for like five hours. We went to the temple then to the capital, which made my inner nerd swoon. We had so much in common I was shocked. I liked him so much more than I ever thought I could and at the end of the night he walked me to my step and gave me a hug and i haven't heard from him since. I have this sixth sense about things and I can feel he isn't going to speak to me again. I know when one person is enjoying a date and the other doesn't think its that great. I hated that. I felt like there was a flow and I guess I was wrong. 

I came home and my mormon friends all tried to tell me that he liked me and I had nothing to worry about but there was a wall here. I could feel it. I didn't hear from him that night and now it is almost eleven and I haven't heard anything. He doesn't want to see me. Guys have and urge to text girls they like and I just wasn't good enough. The standard here is higher. They expect people to be good people. They expect you to be good to others here and not a terrible person and honestly what is wrong with that? What is so wrong with wanting others and expecting others to be kind and modest and giving? Nothing. I didn't wear underwear to church. I didn’t have any underwear on while they spoke of purity. I could feel my zipper digging into my burns while the spoke of chastity and sin. I could feel it all and I am tired of being sad and not feeling good enough. 

Week Three

So I am going to go back to a sketch a week. With a work picking back up for me it will be a little harder for me to get full pieces together. So for now we are once a week, anything else we'll call extra. 

In other news, inspired...well we will just leave that to the imagination...